I am not going to art school this fall and I am giving myself permission to mourn that loss. I know I have a lot of great things going, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to change directions. As my friend Jennifer would say, I have a hitch in my giddyup.

My man and I are pregnant and I am excited, sure, but I didn’t pick this. And sometimes when things pick you, it takes a while to absorb. And I fully absorbed it yesterday when I saw the ultrasound and a tiny flashing light that I am told was the heartbeat. It wasn’t an epic moment for me or it was…but not how it I am told is was going to be. It was really neat but not life changing. I felt simultaneous excitement, anxiety, love and loss.

So I am committed to not feeling how I am supposed to feel and just letting myself feel how I feel. And I feel a little sad that I can’t move to Chicago. That I won’t ever move there like I was planning: alone, wide-eyed, afraid and pulsing. Now I will move to Chicago after my husband is done with school and with a kid, a dog, two cats and a house full of stuff. It will be beautiful and perfect. Everything is different now.

And so here I am in this role of future mama and dealing with all that the universe is dealing me including tons of judgement surrounding my seeming choice to use my uterus instead of my brain.

To all you gardeners, runners, artists, moms, professionals: I declare that I choose both.

3 Responses to changes

  1. Jean says:

    I gotta love ya, Nicole.

  2. Kate says:

    This speaks so much to my experience. A year ago I felt like I was actually almost building a career in graphic design at a small gallery, then one day I was sort-of pregnant, the next month even more, and all I knew is that I couldn’t quit. The pregnancy. But I could quit the job. For the moment. Now I’m juggling more activities and emotions than I ever thought possible, trying to do right by my girl, but learning what “I have to make time for this” (gardening, writing, reading, yoga) really means.

    So glad I could read a little about your experience. A huge, green shout-out to you and yours!

  3. j.j. says:

    Congrats, Nici and Andy! Much love from me, JJ