Monthly Archives: December 2009

day after hump day nuggets: holiday

hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week We had an absolutely fabulous holiday. At the risk of sounding like a crazy, over-thinking mom, I have been on the fence about perpetuating the lie of santa. Not because I think it is silly or because I don’t like the mucking up of the christian day but because I was devastated when I learned the truth. I couldn’t believe my parents had been so dishonest with me. I was teary and speechless. And when going to bed that night after the day when I Learned, I quietly whispered through more tears, mom, what about the tooth fairy? I was devastated. It was just last year…har. Read more on day after hump day nuggets: holiday…
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like riding a bike only jigglier

I ran on Saturday. The first time since March. And it felt fantastic. It’s weird how scary it is to do something you’ve never done before. Even when you know you can do it because others have done it and just deep down you know you can do it. Like childbirth. Like spending 12 days in the hospital with a new baby wondering how it’s going to end. Like running four weeks after birthing a kid, after 10 months of not running. Women decide we are going to do it and we do it. We get shit done. And while going for a jog isn’t that big of a deal, it sure took a lot of internal dialog, with several days of talking myself out if it, to amp myself up for it. I have never not run for this long of a time. It was 17 degrees outside and I drank a cup of coffee, nursed Ruby, harnessed my floppy boobs in two very supportive bras. I dug out my running shoes from under my cowboy boots that I only wear about two times per year…yes, my running shoes were under them. I grabbed a leash, a very very excited dog and I put one foot in front of the other for 30 minutes. The feet weren’t moving quickly but they were moving and I remembered and regained confidence. I am so glad to have that first run under my belt. Today I have that satisfactory soreness in my quads and beer tastes especially great. The museum staff and board bought me my Dream Stroller and I just can’t wait to run with my two girls in tow. Well, three girls in tow because Alice will surely be there too. I have always been a runner but it’s different now. It’s all different. Running is a lot like life. To get a great, endorphin-charged experience you don’t need much more than some interest, intention and breath. And then it’s just moving forward. Sometimes it feels perfect, like you could go forever without a hitch and sometimes it feels just awful and all wrong, like your body might break. Most of the time you feel better just for having tried. So much of the journey is psychological, I think I can. There are tree root-swollen sidewalks, unfairly placed icy patches, assholes who don’t stop to let you cross Russell Street and a dog that wants to smell everything. And there are moments of clarity not found in any other circumstance, a constant view of Mount Sentinel as the morning sun hugs the frosty trees and reminds you how incredibly lucky you are to live here, the camaraderie shared between all other people on the trail and a dog who wants to stop and smell everything. Read more on like riding a bike only jigglier…
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hump day nuggets: moving on

hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week We have been enjoying uneventful, nothing-much around here. It feels great to wake up in my bed next to my man with two hilarious girls sandwiching us in like the perfect mayo and cheese to our pickle and tomato. Even if my arm is asleep because I don’t want to move and risk disturbing Ruby’s perfect slumber and Andy has an arm and a leg dangling off his side of the bed to accommodate Margot’s starfish sleep…it just feels good to be home. Honestly, it’s hard for me to reflect on anything other than our experience with our newborn daughter nearly dying. Because it is trauma and trauma takes its sweet time working itself out. We’ve still got some processing to do and with Ruby’s open, absorbent eyes and gaining 10 ounces in three days, she makes it easy to let that processing come as it comes; she justifies our hyper-awareness in the now and she allows us to, thankfully, forget some of the horror. Because, on December 4, my entire purpose was mercilessly ripped to the bone and left with all nerves exposed and scrambling for cover for 12 days. And, well, it takes time to grow that muscle and skin back. My protective cover. It’ll return. And I think the growing-back may be as painful as the tearing-down. Or, if not as painful, as undesirable. Bug gave three books to Alice while she ate her noodles today. And, still, no map of how to recover so we are just honest. Even when it’s ugly and unfair, honesty with our feelings will get us there. The amazing thing is that we can’t help but focus on how it all ended perfectly: we left the hospital with a healthy baby and profound, life-changing understanding of how supportive, loving and genuine our community is. I want to have a wedding-size party celebrating each other. Maybe next summer. It’ll probably be a potluck as I think we will be paying medical bills for the next century…But, really, I am forever grateful for and changed by the outpouring of love from family, friends, dig readers and people who know someone who kinda knows us. We haven’t made dinner since November 22. Really, people are so good and life is so great. So, this holiday season, we are simply living. :: Noticing. ‘MAMA! Big pickle and painting!’ :: Letting go. Life is a bit messier these days. :: Creating. There are always little opportunities to create together. I have never bought gift wrap in my life. I use newspaper, grocery bags etc. This year bug helped me piece together her old drawings to make gift wrap and then she intently filled in the blanks. :: Catching up. :: Enjoying. My parents. Their help and love are immeasurable. Cheers to the best mom and dad a girl could ask for. :: Taking time. :: Celebrating. She’s TWO. :: Smiling. Bug started her day with her favorite muffins and a special cupcake from her papa. And then made a red velvet cake with her grammy followed by a party with more cake. We changed up Margot’s birthday party at the last minute, moving it away from our house to our dear friend’s taekwondo gym. Really, all toddlers need is an open room, balloons, pizza and a crown-making table. It was completely unorganized and evolved as our friends arrived. The party was super mellow and the perfect introduction back into our social scene. Margot had the most fun with her bffs, crashing hard for a late nap with the taste of icing on her lips. :: Staring. :: Laughing. :: Realizing our whole joy. We had grand plans to make all of our gifts this year and, well, it didn’t happen. So, we did a bit of shopping from local artists and friends and made some funny stuff as a family, late night in the studio. :: Acknowledging our fear and sadness. :: Just spinning on this planet. Loving each other. Read more on hump day nuggets: moving on…
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home

When Margot saw these photos she said, oh sister born cutie pie! oh, sister happy happy happy sister born. The ruby is one of the hardest stones in nature, second only to the diamond. The ruby is a stone of power and passion. It bestows energy and willpower, counteracting lethargy. It is associated with the sun. Read more on home…
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here comes the sun

My mom always sings Here Comes the Sun when she has a good day skiing. It never gets old and is always the perfect harmony for her when great turns under a blue sky make her giddy. You know that giddiness that pumps adrenaline into every cell of your person making you feel light as air and aware of every beautiful thing in this world. I feel that right now. And you know, I know it could all change because, well, life is a constant state of evolution. But right NOW I am light as air and aware of every beautiful thing in this world. We had an excellent day. Yes, we are still in the intensive care unit. BUT my Ruby is rallying. Down on oxygen and all full of spunk and vigor. She gained ounces and is finally above her birth weight. Andy and I gave her a little sponge bath and she loved it. And, the best part just happened two hours ago. I nursed her. She’s still on a feeding tube and it was all closely monitored but as soon as I cradled my wired and tubed girl to my chest, she went for the nipple with uninhibited moxie. Life. And in those 15 minutes, my brain and my heart let go of some of the terror it had been holding onto. My mom was by my side and I felt secure. Light as air and aware of every beautiful thing in this world. Here comes the sun, do do do doHere comes the sun, and I sayIt’s all right Little darlingIt’s been a long cold lonely winterLittle darlingIt feels like years since it’s been here Here comes the sun, do do do doHere comes the sun, and I sayIt’s all right Little darlingThe smiles returning to the facesLittle darlingIt seems like years since it’s been here Here comes the sun, do do do doHere comes the sun, and I sayIt’s all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comesSun, sun, sun, here it comesSun, sun, sun, here it comesSun, sun, sun, here it comesSun, sun, sun, here it comes Little darlingI feel that ice is slowly meltingLittle darlingIt seems like years since it’s been clear Here comes the sun, do do do doHere comes the sun, and I sayIt’s all rightHere comes the sun, do do do doHere comes the sunIt’s all rightIt’s all right Read more on here comes the sun…
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