hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week
Ready? A lot has happened in the last week and I have a lot to say.
:: We have been overwhelmed by the support and love coming our way. Three weeks of dinners, for example. Friends with two kids keep asking, how are you doing? They know the introduction of The Second Child is even more world-rocking than the introduction of the first. And it’s true. More complicated, more intense, more tiring, more. And, more love, more purpose, more stop-and-smell-the-effing-roses-because-here-I-am-on-this-beautiful-meandering-path-I-chose-and-it-ain’t-always-pretty-but-hot-damn-it’s-rich. MORE.
But it’s a hard question to answer because great or fine or any standard answer for above average just doesn’t seem appropriate for such a HUGE question. An equally difficult question to answer honestly without a monologue: how was the birth? I want to say fucking hard, perfect, amazing, impossible, painful, spiritual, life changing but I think most people just want the great part.
:: Margot was upset when Ruby was born. We had talked about it daily for months, looked at photos of her birth. Upset might be mild. Margot was kinda pissed and hurt. Bug was around for about an hour of some fairly intense labor before she went to hang with two of her big people bffs next door. And she was swell as I breathed through contractions. Very supportive and funny. Ruby arrived at 10am and after the shaking and kissing and stitching, I wanted, needed Margot there. She came and she cried and said mama, no. No sister born. She wouldn’t come to me but for one hot second. She wouldn’t look at me. Mama no sister born. Oh it completely broke my heart into pieces.
But then. Then, about two hours later, she was interested. And a few hours after that, she was in love. It was really that fast. She peeked over her bassinet late in the day and said, hi cutie pie. Hi sister born. (swear that is what she said). And because our babe was nameless for a bit more than a day, we called her sister and Margot called her sister born. And she still calls her sister born no matter how many times we say Ruby. When she is particularly thrilled she says sister born cutie pie. And she tickles her head and asks to hold her all the time. Um my bug is really cool.
:: I do need to mention the tantrum moments. In between the beautiful, in-love experiences are these occasional, horrible I-didn’t-get-what-I-wanted fits that render Andy and me speechless. Bug has always been so chill and in the last month, this possessed flopping badger sneaks into my sweet girl unexpectedly. At first it starts with her running in place (think high knees) while saying no no no nononononoNONOOOO. Then, dramatic swan dive to the floor, head in hands. Man, it’s tough. Especially tough when it is just me at the pediatrician’s office with a newborn in a sling as I am awkwardly scooping my writhing, yelping toddler up because she didn’t want to say goodbye to the fish in the waiting room. We listen and tell her we’re there for her when she’s done. We quietly ask her what she needs while looking her in the eyes. Try to talk to her and validate her feelings and redirect her energy. We are just making this up as we go and thankfully it doesn’t happen too often. Advice? Bring it.
:: Monday morning I really wanted to take a shower. It was my first day at it alone because Andy went back to work. Margot reads books in the bathroom every morning while I shower to get ready for work but what to do with Ruby? I shoehorned her bassinet in the itty bathroom which made Margot mad because she was relegated to a stool under the sink. So I gave her ice cream. It was 9am. And I took a long, hot, luxurious shower.
:: So it was wild and unexpected straight out of the gate. Margot’s reaction really threw me. And it continued…Margot got sick with a fever funk on day one and so the first several days Andy was in and out of bed with her and she was in and out of bed with us while I tried to wake our new girl to eat. So far Ruby is a lot like Margot. Meaning, we make babies who sleep like crazy. We had like four difficult sleeping nights with Margot when she was four months old. Other than that, she slept through the night. I KNOW. So we play this nightly game of torturing our wee chicken with cold washcloths and tickling bare feet to get her to wake and eat. Otherwise, monkey sleeps.
Anyway, this hot potato sleep arrangement was funny. We had to laugh because otherwise we’d scream. And, it really was funny. Alice and Sam are also needy right now so some of the time we had a six and half pound Ruby, 25-pound Margot, 17-pound Sam, 75-pound Alice and Andy and me in our bed. One night when Alice was whining to climb up while Ruby was crying and Margot was coughing, Andy said, ok, Alice, you can come up here but only if you bark. 3:30am humor. It works.
:: Yesterday I packed up my girls and we headed to get a tree. I used to struggle with the tree thing every year. I have tried buckets of boughs and wooden contraptions to hold ornaments and younameit to avoid the senseless cutting of a tree for one month of silly enjoyment. And nothing satiated my craving for a tree and so, now, I get a tree and I enjoy the heck out of that dude. I like to cut one but this year I bought it from a local nursery that is a few blocks from my house. It was cut right in the hills I can see from my back yard. And it is little. So I used very little fuel to get it and it used very little fuel to get to me and it was perhaps harvested from an area that needed to be thinned anyway….I love my tree. Margot had the most fun picking one out.
:: Being still, back-burnering my to-do list as a parent is an art. When Ruby is sleeping and Margot isn’t, my instinct is to scurry about and do laundry, sew the zillion shirts and skirts I need for the craft fair I am a part of in less than two weeks, pick up blocks, clean the coop…but then, my bug grounds me by just staring into me and saying mama, sit down or my mama or mama hug or mama read chicken book. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what life is for. And so it all waits and we rally as if we were still just two with nothing to do.
:: And the same is true with Ruby. When I have time alone with my new girl, I try to take the time to be with her.
:: I’ve felt really great. Got out of the house the day after Ruby was born and went to the museum to introduce the peanut. I was the same way with Margot: energized by birth. And, back then, I think I felt the need to downplay my zing because people were all what are you doing out of the house? like I was compromising my health or something. But this time, I don’t care. I want to get up and go and I do.
That being said, we’ve left our home pretty infrequently. We drank coffee and tea, strolled around our hood and received batches of visitors around most meal times. Andy and I listened to the radio, played scrabble, stayed up late watching movies, took hot showers, wore comfy clothes and inhaled our new world. It’s so new. Nothing could be more new. What a Wonderful World. Andy and I danced to that song at our wedding. Still true.
34 Comments
JUST a quick HI! I have my car started….was on my way out for an appointment…just HAD to check HDN….here they are…had to peek at my babies….will come back to bask in it all as soon as I get home!! xo
All I can say is YEE HA!
Hey!!! Ruby is beautiful!!! I read something about you doing a craft fair! Is it the MADE fair? I would love some of those adorable MT onesies! Let me know when and where u will be!
so amazing nici! i really want to come out there soon. maybe over my holiday break if it’s possible. i know you are doing a great job. can’t wait to hear more and see more pictures. plan that trip to maine!
This is great!! I can’t believe you have your tree up. I have no kids, no chickens, no dog, no husband and,ya, no tree. What I do have is my ass on the couch evidently. I will decorate something tonight. See you in 2 days. I hopw you are not all talked out after this post. Margot on the table, I’ve have seen this face of hers live. For some reason I love that look. Be careful Margot your face will freeze that way, a famous Dolly quote. Love you all, j
Love it all.
Especially Margot’s orange onesie snow outfit, that is in your title.
I need one of those for Arann.
These are the days and you are the woman for the job. Glad to live vicariously.
xo
I think you are doing just what you need to do and doing it really well… seriously. Oh yes, we have had our fair share of tantrums. Now that Annica is 3 1/2, it is easier… she is more reasonable and better able to communicate emotions. I think you have it totally dialed how to handle them. It took me awhile to understand, they have no control during the tantrum, and the best thing to do is not give it any attention, but try and be there and love & accept them when they are open to it. And be consistent each and every time. That is hard, hard, hard!!! Especially the not getting wrapped up in it with them part. So, just know you are doing so awesome in that department.
You amaze me with your energy and ability so soon after birth, truly inspiring! And little Ruby, what a love. Thank you so much for your honesty with Margot’s acceptance, however painful to recount. It is so nice you shared that side of things. xo
oh nici. i am totally teary at my desk, ignoring my work because of this beautiful post.
so glad you took the time to write it all down; it’s a gift for yourself as well as for your girls.
what beautiful girls! the photo of them in bed together was the one that got the tears going for me.
you are making such a graceful transition and it’s so humbling and amazing. gillie said your house felt “so peaceful.” it looks that way.
except for the tantrums. girl, i feel you because i feel like avi really jumped the gun on them but i just want to validate what you are already doing. because they have to have tantrums to work out these big feelings. it’s so normal. sometimes we talk about it afterward. avi will say, “avi upset yesterday,” and we are like, “yeah, those were some big feelings, huh?” and we just keep telling him our job is to keep him safe and it’s okay if he doesn’t like it (like when we were on the plane and it was landing and he wanted to run around but instead i pinned him to me while he screamed and snotted and yelled, “avi get down” and the passengers glared).
it bears repeating to say you and andy are doing a beautiful job.
so there; a long comment for you. and lots of love, hot showers and sleep. xo
All, I can say is thanks for being honest. If more people were willing to own up and say “wow, that was hard” I think we could all stop beating ourselves up a bit.
My girl is 1 month younger than Margot and all of a sudden my mellow, happy kid is having the same tantrums. WHOA.
Such a beautiful post! You sound like such an amazingly wonderful mom.
First, I LOOOVE your blog. Second, your girls are GORGEOUS!! Third, you are truly amazing with all you do and your incredible outlook on life. Can I be you when I grow up?
Ok, now my real comment. My boy is probably around the same age as your bug and we must live in the same house. Deal with way more tantrums and NonononnonoNOOOOO fits than we used to. He responds to “Are you crabby? Because crabby boys take naps.” It also works to distract and redirect. And, too, if we’re out, what he hates the most is being left out of something. So for a brief while we left the store if he went crazy. Now we mostly only need to ask him if we should leave or if he needs to sit in the car. Giving him the choice to redirect his own emotions seems to work well. 🙂 Hope this helps!
Nici, Okay I want to hear that Ruby’s birth was, “fucking hard, perfect, amazing, impossible, painful, spiritual, life changing” because it was and gift of a child is what life is all about.
I love your love your Christmas tree! I so look forward to ours every year….shoot me if I EVER buy an artificial one. Christmas will always be extra special because of Margot’s birthday being so close…I know it was/is for me.
And on that note…..
Bug, keeping with tradition, remind your mama that the tree HAS to be put up and decorated ALWAYS by your birthday…AND NO Christmas wrap on birthday gifts! I am so looking forward to spending ours together!! (two in a row).
Margot, I don’t believe your mama that you have tantrums!! ;0) The only one I remember that your mama had was when I was about 91/2 pregnant with your Uncle Trav, grocery cart flowing over the top and you wanted a toy hanging in the cereal isle. I said no and you LOST it! I asked the manager to put my cart in the walk-in, put your inflexible, screaming body in your car seat and drove home crying. You were asleep before we drove two blocks….I think I gave birth the next day!
Seriously Burb, it sounds like you are handling it just right. She is just testing the water and exercising her freedom of speech! Look out world here comes another rock star!
Ruby Pie ~ you are beautiful. Those perfect ears, nose, mouth, hands, fingernails, eyes, head and hair….yes indeed a miracle. I skyped with your mama and big sis today and sang you your first “”Ruby song…soon, like Margot, you will ask mama, “to talk to Gram on the computer”…..I will see you very soon sweetpea!
The sight of Alice, Sam, Ruby, Margot, you and Andy in your bed makes me ask only one question…where’s Olive?! Hold on darling Burb, the best is yet to come!
xoxo, Mom/Gram
Ps…Love my girl who loves her world.
Sounds like you’re doing quite well Nici! I do have to ask about your sling though… did you get it somewhere or did you make it? I’m taking the sling class down at Selvedge but the single picture on their class page doesn’t show it off very well…
All the best and good luck with the tantrums! Not that I have any experience with them, but it does sound like you’re a very caring Mama.
Hi Nici,
I have been following your blog since about a month (found you on Farmama’s blogroll)and I love your writing and sense of humor! I just wanted to share a bit about what you are going through. My twins were 17 months when Mathilde came along and it was wicked hard! Margot’s No mama, no sister born totally broke my heart and brought me back to that painful moment in my life when I saw in my twins’ eyes that deception of not being the only ones anymore… Anyways, I just wanted to say that the best thing I believe you can do is to not talk too much or ask her how she feels, what she needs. She is so very little, she doesn’t need to talk about how she feels (even if a lot of books on parenting make us think so, naming feelings is great… for the 7-9 yo crowd, not for 2 yo!). So less words,but warm smiles and lots of hugging and cuddling and alone time with mama. If you can find one little thing that you do with her every morning and every night (maybe a bath alone with you, telling her the same story – instead of reading one). She can count on that alone time with you. Build a strong rhythm to your days, so she knows what’s coming next. She needs to feel secure more than ever and predictability helps a lot with that. And of course, humor. I know, it’s hard when you have a toddler throwing a full-blown tantrum at you, but when you can find that peace place inside of you and just turn the situation around, it’s magical! Andy seems to be pretty good at it! I don’t believe in ignoring children’s need or tantrums, just hold her through her tantrums even if she kicks. Hold her tight, hum quietly. Use your body to help absorb all that strong energy that she is unable to release. Just be that strong loving rock she needs you to be. And remember that this too shall pass…
i drank this post in like a drink in the desert. sat and hunched in closer after the first sentence as if proximity to the screen would allow me to eat it up better.
this part?…
More complicated, more intense, more tiring, more. And, more love, more purpose, more stop-and-smell-the-effing-roses-because-here-I-am-on-this-beautiful-meandering-path-I-chose-and-it-ain’t-always-pretty-but-hot-damn-it’s-rich. MORE.
Love.
And completely prepared for fits and ‘how-do-i-do-this?’ moments but still good to read about it first. which brings me to the pouty picture of margot standing on the table which just made me smile. totally one of my favorites now. just the beautiful spit-fire part of her spirit that has resided in there but hasn’t come out much…the same spit-fire in her mama that got the ceo of a hospital to sit down with her and get her pic in the paper, i think.
and then there’s just this beautiful spirit of you that comes out in this…and oh, nici your pics are getting better and better. so real life and raw and soul-clenching.
there’s so many parts of this i could regurgitate back to you and tell you what i love…but i’ll leave it with your two girls are so, so, so somethin’ special…but then they’d have to be because their mama is special.
i am so thankful to have found this little digthischick those couple years ago.
love. xoxo
Even with the miles between us I don’t feel like it with your wonderful thoughts and pictures. Thank you for sharing, I can’t wait to meet Ms Ruby and see the “Big Sis”!
Nici and Andy, you are so amazing!Those girls are so lucky to have you!
love to you all!
xopenne
Nici! You rock and your girls will rock right along with you. Much love! –Kelley (former art school-mate, current D.C. girl)
Wow, Nici! Great post. So jealous of your good sleepers…I haven’t slept through the night yet!
What a beautiful family! You continue to amaze me as you ease into each new phase…
love, barbara
Love! Your happiness is infectious.
very lovely pics!wat a cutie pie.
Ruby is so pretty! And Bug so cute up there on the table. Congratulations! You have a beautiful family. Those two little girls are going to be great friends.
Quite incredible. Your new joys and moment to moment graces make me stop in my tracks and look at my two “wee” ones (one of those “wee” ones turns 13 next week!) and remember what it was like to just BE.
Thank you Nici.
i think the most eye opening part of being a mama of two was the letting go. because … occasionally the bigger of the two just needs to figure it out. on their own. they need to yell and scream and generally make you look like a crazy mama (when in actuality everyone else is just looking at you with admiration and sympathy). it’s funny you spend the whole life of your first … helping them figure it out. you are such a presence. but … it’s kind of our goal to help our children become independent thinkers and problem solvers, isn’t it?
for you … you just learn to do it. you figure out how to put all the kids in the grocery cart. you figure out how to comfort one while feeding another. you figure out how to take a shower.
what is right for you … isn’t necessarily going to be what’s right for someone else. and in the end … you can only make yourself and your family happy. that is all that matters.
you are doing a fantastically amazing beautiful wonderful job mothering your girls. be proud.
I have been there with high knees and swan dive, oh goodness this post Nici is my favorite. I love how you explain life, how you love life -ALL OF IT. You are a wonderful BEAUTIFUL mother- look at you outside with your babe in your sling. Inspiring.. you really are. You are great and this little place you share it all with us is just awesome. thank you thank you friend.
Hugs x 100 from me in the Flathead,
Sarah
P.S.
This post makes me crazy in waiting though!!
At 22 weeks pregnant with my first, I can honestly say you blog is the one I look forward to most. I’ve read every post, even way back, and you are an inspiration.
Thanks for sharing everything with people you haven’t yet met. And congratulations on your amazing new MORE life.
-Kelley Khamphouxay
Advice on tantrums:
IGNORE.
Hardest fucking thing you’ll ever do but if you do it, I promise it stops. A couple days after I had my daughter, my 3 year old son would wake from a teeny nap and just scream and cry for 45 minutes-1 hour. It was TORTURE. He would follow me around just screaming. After awhile I would tell him he had to go into another room. THat it was all right if he wanted to scream and cry but that it WASN’T all right to do it AT us.
All that being said, there’s a big difference between Margot’s age and 3. My advice until she’s 3 is this: do what feels right for YOU and her. And know that only YOU will remember it.
Welcome, Ruby! And thank you, thank you for allowing us inside for the sweet moments and the difficult. This is life at its very best.
i haven’t read your blog in a while, and am just now staying up half the night catching up. stunned, amazed, scared, trembling…
and…i just had to leave a note about a few things in this post:
i have the same exact inner conflict about christmas trees, and also, HAD to have one this year– a proper tree, not some dead branch stuck in a pot. i justified it by thinking of it as a local crop, and i am supporting local farmers, and consuming their produce. and, i enjoyed it so thoroughly, and fully. i would just sit and stare at it, and love it, every night. so, i chuckled when i read that.
also, margot has the same beloved froggy boots that my cosmo wore the crap out of–3 identical pairs! he rarely has clothing preferences, but those boots, he adored.
and, i know what it is like to be shocked by the tantrums of a previously easy-going kid. mine waited until four to start these freaky outbursts, and we too, are at a loss. mostly, i try to just be there for him, because i know it must be scary and hard for him too, to be out of control like that. but, sometimes, it gets to me, and i am not as patient as i wish i could always be.
and, finally, ruby and my cosmo share a birthday. november 23 is a good day to be born.
congratulations. and i am so sorry you and your family had to suffer through all of that intensity in the hospital. thank you for doing the work of articulating your what you were going through, and for daring to share it with the world. we need it. or, at least, i think i do.
i have not been through anything like that before, but i did have a challenging beginning as a mom, and was blown away by the community that surrounded me, and cradled me and was there for me in every way that i needed. it is an amazing thing to discover. and you feel more gratitude than you will ever be able to express, and that is okay. you don’t have to. everyone already knows.
Cake, What a sweet and thoughtful comment. It is always good to feel ‘got’. November 23 is a great day to be born! Thanks for your words. I really appreciate them.
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“you might also like” drew me here. to ruby’s tiny tiny little face. I remember this post. It was before she went to the hospital…before you knew anything was going to happen. Look at her tiny, perfect little self…seems like it was yesterday I read this. And I hadn’t held that baby yet!
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