For a while now, telling the story of Ruby’s illness felt like I was telling someone else’s story. It all seemed so distant, like a bad dream, details becoming fuzzier and fuzzier. Last week, in the middle of the night, the details, the feeling, the emotion, the hell flooded my body with new, raw intensity.
:: :: ::
Last Wednesday night Ruby woke with a familiar cry. I didn’t know I remembered it until I heard it. She was distressed and uncomfortable. She was squirming and gasping. I stumbled from a deep sleep, begging the universe, shit NO.
Before I could find the light, I had begun counting her breaths. I could tell right away her respiratory rate was at least 75 breaths per minute. I was right. Andy and I stirred, dug for the thermometer, saline and bulb suction. 100 and then 101.7 a half hour later. Just like last time, she wouldn’t nurse. She was tired, didn’t open her eyes, laid like a beetle on her back in the hot sun.



22 Comments
Ole, am so sorry that Rubes gave you such a scare! I am afraid, however, that I was unable to read the story with the appropriate amount of gravitas because of the picture of little RJ working that wee red eye brow. I’ve never seen anyone mime DeNiro’s “You talkin’ to me?” before…
Intense. Whew.
I can only imagine how scary it must be to revisit that ‘place’ with Ruby; that place that wishfully would just fade away into strawberry fields forever.
Amazingly, you now have the tools to take the best possible care of your sweet little red head~~that’s one bittersweet gift we get as mamas when one of our loves needs a little bit more.
Sending lots of love….
xoxo
Tears. I know that latch. It’s the latch that put the first bandaid on my bleeding heart that painful night three months ago.
And tears looking at that little face–those big eyes and that red hair and how far she’s come knowing how painful that was for you in December. I still have the pictures on my phone that you sent…was going through my pics the other day and saw the string from those days–the one of her in my blanket at the hospital and the one that said under it “going home.”
You’ll never forget that…and that’s good. We all need those moments to remind us of just how freaking wonderful this wild and precious life is!
xoxo Oh, how I can’t wait to meet that girl!
Sorry you had to deal with all of those old feelings and worry it was happening all over again. Glad to hear Ruby is okay!!!
my little guy did that not wanting to nurse, shallow breathing … last night. ugh. i went into panic mode as well … his sisters have so prepared me for respiratory stuff.
and i’m exactly the same in the “please nurse … it’s got life in it” sorta way. nursing makes everything better.
so glad she’s doing better … thinking of you guys.
Love little Ruby and her strong soul and stunning eyebrow lift!
Moments like this make us realize it’s scary to move forward, knowing where we’ve come from lurks close behind. Ahh, glad she’s ok.
Love to y’all.
Thank you for posting hopeful smiley pictures with that heartwrenching story. I don’t think I’d have been able to read it otherwise. So glad you’re all well, eating and happy. Big loves.
i so appreciate your raw honesty and sharing. it’s so important and such a gift to be able to tell this story. and hopefully as healing as it is hard. whew. so glad she is okay. and the rest of you, too!
extra love from CA this week.
Oh my sweet daughter….what a horrible de ja vue…I am telling you this child is going to do great things in this world….just you wait and see.
Love you tons….
You are a strong and wonderful mom.
I am glad it was just a scare and that the
red Ruby is such a tough little fighter for life.
This strikes fear into my heart! My little guy is almost 5 months old. He currently has his first cold. Hearing his labored breathing the first night of his sickness kept me awake most of the night. It’s so hard not to imagine the worst in times like this. Thank you for being a strong momma, you are an inspiration!
oh my, i can’t stop crying this morning. i am so relieved to read that ruby is okay. good. great.
i am sorry you had to go through that…again. my first thought was, NO. then, this shit isn’t fair. finally, ‘dear god, thank you for ruby’s health.’ praying and loving your girl from her.
thinking of you. you are amazing.
xo
oh Nici, I am so sorry that you’ve had another (hopefully small and quick) scare with Ruby. My heart goes out to you. She looks like she’s absolutely thriving in all of her pictures and I expect nothing but brilliant victories in any battles she might have to fight with illness.
On a lighter note… I was wondering if you could add to my Virgin Harvest. I have decided to start a strawbale garden, and it will definitely be my first time. I’m really excited about it! I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.
Oh Nici, I’m so sorry, and glad to hear that Ruby pulled through!
You are amazing and Ruby is a little fighter. That hair matches her name for sure and her personality. I think the toughest and greatest thing in life is being a mommy.
Best wishes for speedy recovery….both physical and emotional!
Hang in there, mom and baby!!!
Beautifully written, btw!
“…we slept intertwined like she was still protected in my uterus…”
these words: I have felt them without an illness or close-call. Such a primal feeling to want to pull that baby into your body again for the protection it offered. I find myself curling around my sweet heart at the slightest offense. She’s only a baby.
I just wonder if this urge goes away when they are older? When someone is mean to her? When her heart is broken? The first time she really realizes that life isn’t always just? Will I still yearn to pull her physically inside me…to shield her?
Glad it was just a scare and not a recrudescence.
Thanks all for your kind words and good thoughts…mamahood is a wacky and surprising journey…I know I am just at the beginning but, whew, sometimes it’s so hard to feel so helpless regarding these people who are part of me.
I know exactly how you felt. I remember when Owen was croupy long after his stint in ICU…the sound of his barky cough made my heart beat out of my chest and start to panic. It was just awful. We aren’t as innocent now, are we? We can’t just believe that our children will never get really ill. So glad to hear that she is just fine!
The vulnerability their birth sets into our hearts is just off the charts.
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