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What a fantastic post!

Thank you for sharing that last visit with your Grammy with us. I’ve been very fortunate that nobody too close to me has passed away yet, and I fear it every day. Dying is my biggest fear… not only myself dying, but anybody dying. It scares the pants off me.

My Grandfather’s 75 birthday party was two weekends ago. I was lucky enough to be sitting beside him at dinner and when my Uncle did the toast and wished him many more years of full, exciting life my Grandfather said, “Look at how lucky I am. Look at all my family, how beautiful you all are. When I die, I’ll die a proud man”. And we all cried, and looked at each other crying and laughed. It was a really magical, meaningful moment for me. It made me realize that although I am terrified that I will eventually die one day, I hope that one day I will feel fulfilled and comfortable with the fact that death is inevitable and embrace it as part of living.

So beautifully written. I have so many emotions right now, I can barely get my thoughts together. Thank you for sharing your story, I needed this.

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My mom (whom I adore) is a super SUPER affectionate person because her mom was not, so she always feels she has to double it up on us. Unfortunately, that kind of makes me a little distant. I’m affectionate too (especially with my little girl), but I tend to get awkward with my mom because I can’t rise to her level so I tend to do the opposite and keep her at arms length when I really want to give her a hug and tell her I love her and I need her. I hope I learn to get over this though, because I don’t want to regret anything when she’s gone. =0\

Thanks for sharing with all of us.

Thanks for sharing about the childless reader who had a hard time reading this mornings post because it brought me to tears too. In a strange spot of deciding if I need to have children to feel fulfilled in life and trying to not put pressure on myself if it does not happen. I agree that we can choose and create our own families, but still have occassional fears of being a crazy old lady surrounded by her dogs 😉 nice posts.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.

That is the quote I chose of MLK’s today.

And like your blog tonight, you felt unfinished, but it was still from the heart. Sometimes that leap to write something can meld into something greater that you didn’t see before.

I was having withdrawals! Glad you wrote tonight!

:o)

Well wow, that took my breath away. I believe with all my heart that it’s this connection through the generations that brings us the rhythms of our lives….such a beautiful gift.

Ok, I’m in tears from reading your Mama Digs article {generations}. In fact I’m lost for words….coz you’ve said them all for me 🙂
BEAUTIFUL Nici. Just beautiful.
xo

I love the reflective shot in the sidewalk. Everything feels so skeletal in the dead of winter.

Your mamalamode article hit me square in face today. Our generations are so spread apart that I lost all of my grandparents before I was 18. And my grandma Lyle was the one who lived the shortest, but made the deep impression of who I could be as a girl and as a woman.

I too almost passed the opportunity to have children for a myriad of reason, but after having my mom tell me days before she died, “live without regrets”; I was fueled. Your article more than anything reminded me about my Mom and her strength and wisdom. And I still miss her. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a reality. And one that fuels me everyday.

-Jennifer from Annapolis

Loved your Mamalode article this week. You really struck a powerful, underlying cord of all humanity with me and I think a lot of others this week. xo Lovely Nici.

Your Mamalode article .. wow! This will resonate with me for some time. This is the first time I have commented, but just wanted to say “thanks” for writing so exquisitely about something that I struggle with.

hi,
i love your pictures !!!
please try to post more of them.
thanks,
tami
israel

Nici~what a beautiful column!! So heartfelt, so thoughtful, so spot on. Amazing. We are all in this together for a greater good & your contribution to it all ranks up at the top. I love your writing & your pictures are just beautiful.

That was so kind and beautiful what you wrote to the reader and the fact that you wrote her. I read your column yesterday and thought about it all day, and it was meaningful to me. I even thought about it last night as I lay on my daughter’s floor to sleep since she is sick and cricked my neck to push my arm through the crib to hold her hand and said to myself, “this is a happy life.”

Loved the raw writing. It speaks.

My last grandmother died a month before my baby was born. I found myself reflecting on both of them during long nursing sessions alone at home. How it felt okay, one life ending and another beginning. Having my daughter made the loss seem less of a loss. I am happy we chose to have a child.

For the reader who wrote to you – one thing we know is that just because you have children, does not mean you will get to die happy and surrounded. They could hate you. They could get sick and die before you. They could… and on and on. You shouldn’t have children just so you don’t die the last in a line. You shouldn’t have children just because of “what if”.

If the decision is right for you, it’s right for you. Most of our friends have chosen not to have kids and I am confident they will end up happy as they want to be, just like you.

So beautiful. I just spent a day with my Grandma celebrating her 93rd birthday, so this really resonates for me right now. I feel so luck to have had her in my life this long and to be able to share her with my own kids.

(Side note: when I click on the Mama Digs link it said it was broken. When I clicked on the generations link, it took me to your stats page. You might want to double-check it?)

About the letter from your reader:

This is something that weighs heavily on my mind quite often (especailly as someone who once thought I maybe didn’t want to have children…or *maybe* just one!) I will write something on my blog about how much love my little ones bring to me, how much I’ve grown since having them, the enlightenment, Oh My. I hit publish and then spend time thinking about how I would find all of these things without children, too. I’ve also thought so many times about putting a disclaimer on each of my posts that~You Do Not Have To Be A Mama To Feel So Much Love In Your Heart.

I believe with my whole being that you do not have to have a child to feel any of these things. There is opportunity to thrive in each and every one of us. Finding simple beauty and meaning in life is everywhere you turn. Family comes in many forms.

I love your heart, Nici. I love how you put yourself out there. I love what’s coming back to you because of it. Now I’m off to read your Mama Digs essay. Beautiful day to you, friend. xo

beautiful X

That made me tear up, beautiful post mama ♥

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I remember that day you went to the Bratton’s to see your gramma. Before you went we sat in bedroom on the bed and you cried. You said you didn’t want to go, you were scared and sad. But you went anyway. You put one foot in front of the other. You were so glad you did. AND you have that great picture of your gramma braiding your hair. No regrets.

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Your writing is beautiful Niki. I’m happy that you have learned at such a young age what it means to really appreciate and value the moments you have with your family.

I learned a little later in life, 3 years ago, when I found out I had cancer and my family responded to help me through it. I faced mortality then and have since done the things I wouldn’t have before.

Taking a trip with my mother to visit her brother who has alzheimers last year. Planning a 50th wedding anniversary party and family reunion for my parents. Sitting with my teenage son whenever possible, trying hard to enjoy what he enjoys, while my mind races with other things I should be doing.

Spending time with my father, away from my own family.
You see, I lost my mother 3 months ago to aggressive brain cancer. My parents found out about her grim diagnosis and prognosis just one month prior, on their 50th wedding anniversary.

I spent as much time as possible with her during those 4 weeks that we had with her. Those days were horrific and happy, sad and wonderful and our family is even closer now.

Thanks for helping me stop, and feel more vividly today. I appreciate you.

we were also listening to npr and i was all teary listening to that amazing speech . . .

xoxo!

Wow. Your Mamalode article was very powerful. I thought about it all day yesterday, but wasn’t sure what I would say in the comments. After seeing what others wrote, I finally know. Nici, you have an amazing and understanding group of readers. As a woman with no intentions of having kids, it makes my heart ache in the best possible way to know how supportive your readers are of us childfree folk. Each person has the humble task of choosing their own path, and it’s refreshing to know your readers come from all walks of life. Your family is beautiful, and you inspire me with each post to be a better person.

Made me cry and smile at the same time.

Um, thanks for making me start my day out by crying…I loved your Gram and am so thankful she and my Gramma had each other. What a gift they are/were/will be to our generation. 🙂

Great blog today Nici! I felt it all.

Wow, very powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing those intimate details with us. Reminds us to cherish each and every minute. Beautifully written!
xo
Kris

I am loving the comments today! You all are so cool and have such interesting and moving things to say. Love it.

When I didn’t think I’d have kids I never thought I’d be less successful or less satisfied. Having kids has def changed everything in a really wonderful way for me. And I think it is so cool that there are so many ways to ride out this life. We are all so complex with so much to give and receive. Kids, no kids…both are important and I am so thankful we don’t all choose the same thing or we’d be really boring.

For me, no matter if I had kids or not, people and relationships trump everything. I think I always thought that and Ruby solidified the belief.

That was just beautiful. My grandmother (mom’s mom) died on Saturday night and the timing of this piece was amazing. Thank you. I needed that this morning.

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What an amazing post and an amazing comment by Laurie, too.

I can’t remember if it was your Grandma Bratton but I remember when one of your grandmas told you the most amazing invention that happened in her lifetime was “wheels on luggage.” I’ve retold that story, to large audiences, and I love that your grandmas’ legacies live on through your stories, and even, the stories of your friends. I think the way they loved you and the way you loved them is evident in that…
xo
Lindsay

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The tears are flowing….but that isn’t unusual. Your grandma and her sister (my mom) were amazing. Though they were raised without a mother and through some very rough times they became such strong, wonderful moms and they would be sooooooo happy to hold all the babies and keep braiding hair if they were with us. Still missing them both. Thanks Nici for another wonderful remembrance.

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Nici, I too remember that day and seeing you sitting there getting your hair braided. I couldn’t believe how much your Grandma, my Stevie, rallied that Christmas with all of us. It was a really special time and we have quite a few pics of it. None of us knew that in about 2 weeks (on my birthday no less) she left this world for the next. It will be 6 years (I think) tomorrow. I slept in her room that last night and I will never forget it. I loved her so. Your words about family- mother daughter bond- say it in ways that the rest of us can’t. Thanks so much for writing this. My nurse friend told me that as moms, we carry the eggs of our daughter’s daughters. Amazing I think!! LOVE, AUNT DEB

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My biggest regret in life was not being able to tell my step-dad, on his deathbed, how much I loved him; how much he meant to me, how he may not have been the father of my blood but was the father of my soul. At first, I didn’t call because I didn’t want him to think I was giving up on him, that I was saying good-bye. But later, after 12 hours of highway driving, when we knew it was the end, I wanted nothing more than to tell him–it pulled at me, clouded my vision. But everyone (kids, spouses, grandkids) was standing around his bed, I held his hand but I never had a moment alone with him, my step-brother was holding his other hand telling stories about when we were kids. His eyes were open but he couldn’t talk; every breath was an effort, rattling his body. We didn’t know how much longer it would be–could have been days, could have been hours. My mom and I went out to pick up food for everyone. We got the call. In the hospital elevator, my mom and I were trying to remember what they say, on how long–exactly–a soul stays in the room after leaving a body. I told him then…but why not hours, days, years earlier? Say it when you feel it, I dig that.

Oh. My step-dad’s biggest regret in life? That he was never able to give birth to a human being.

Oh my goodness….I am in tears reading your blog from mamalode.com. Everything you wrote is so true! Thank you for putting this truth in words.

-Alyson
http://www.peacefulmamma.blogspot.com

This is one of your personal historyis that I treasure so. You’ve described it so vividly. I can see her elderly, loving hands on your braids.

Like you, it saddens me my two strong grandmothers couldn’t meet my little ladies, but it comforts me to see them in the little things my girls do. It’s empowering to grow limbs on this tree and I know it will be awesome to look down at the limbs when I’m ninety.

Um, wow. My lineman husband you know so would LOVE the puddle/power line shot. Love it.

I just had the privilage of spending christmas with my memere and my mom and my daughters and all my wonderful aunts and cousins and their children. Including five new baby girls born in the last few months. It was an amazing site and I feel so blessed that my girls are creating some of the same memories with my memere as I did. It plants such strong roots. Thanks for sharing.

My dear, you dug deep. You dug through the dirt and hard soil and hit my roots. Hit the roots that helped nourish my soul. That helped blossom me to the young woman that I am today. My Grandma is no longer with me, and I just wish I was old enough before she passed on, to be with her. to feel her essence. to absorb her being. to tell and show her how much i love her. to appreciate her little wrinkles. celebrate all her stories. relish her traditions. Now that I am older I think back to all our memories, and just wish that I had the chance to tell her, yet some part of me is telling me, she knows. She’s watching above. She’s living in me. Her spirit lives on. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. Enjoy being the daughter, and the mother and cherishing the many precious moments you will experience.

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What a beautiful piece, Nici. Your writing touches me. Thank you so much.

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Beautiful….tears in my eyes.

My parents are elderly..my dad turned 84 this year. Thank you for the reminder to enjoy every precious moment…..
Love,
Jen

always warm and fuzzy reading your blog 🙂

and for your awesomeness:
http://ecogrrlnetwork.blogspot.com/2011/01/stylish-ecogrrlwhaaaaa.html

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,,,beautiful,,,thank you.

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Just beautiful, Nici. Raw and real. Makes me think that if we do choose to become Mamas {which we have}, this is exactly how we’re supposed to do it {which we do}.

Beautiful. The universe always seems to give you what you need for your own life. I am fortunate (this sounds strange in light of your post) to not feel those strong intergenerational ties. I’m not close to my mother, and aspire to be nothing like her. I miss my nan terribly, and talk about her every day – but I’m nothing like her. And when we chose to have children, we spent years first trying to adopt, then when that wasn’t going anywhere, trying to get pregnant (also went nowhere), then starting the adoption process all over again. Five years of hoping and wishing and dreaming and aching for our child, she came home to us. And because I have no strong intergenerational history with my parents and grandparents, we can start from here. We can actually create the history and the rituals for our child, starting with our little family.

,,,these nuggets gently reminded me of the wonderful times spent with my paternal grandmother,,,our loving conversations, the countless times she brushed my hair,,,while i have no children of my own, the “buck” doesn’t stop with me,,,all that i have been blessed with i happily share with others,,,”to whom much is given, much is expected”,,,

,,,continue to enjoy the presence of your family,,,your mother’s comment tugged at my heart,,,her wonderful ways remind me of my mother,,,

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. There are so many feelings I’m finding arising from your words. Like the woman who commented above me, the generational ties in my life are a little hazy. But when I read your description of your mom, fulfilling her role as grammy, I lost it. My love for my mother has grown exponentially since she became my son’s grandma. She is amazing, and I only wish she lived closer… I just wanted to say thank you for the early morning tears, for the meaning in your words, and for heaven’s sake… being real about things!

Such truth and beauty! My father passed away from a sudden, unexpected heart attack while my parents were vacationing in Virginia. I saw him and celebrated with him on Father’s Day and two weeks later I got a call from my mom that he was dead. They were hiking along the Shenandoah Parkway when he collapsed. Help was hours away. I will be forever grateful that my last memories of him are beautiful ones and that he knew how much I loved him. My brother struggles because they argued before he left for his trip. It is a daily reminder to me to never leave the house angry, never go to bed angry, say I love you whenever the spirit moves you – our house is overflowing with I love you’s and kisses and no matter how often we say it, it doesn’t lose its power. Even if we argue and can’t resolve it right away my husband and I always hug it out and say I love you even though I’m angry right now. We might still be huffy but we know it’s not for lack of love or caring for each other. Life is unpredictable and sometimes unexpectedly short so love big and live without regret!

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I am slain. This is just so beautiful, N. This is Heritage, right? It’s important business, the legacy we pass along. I want to be intentional about it, because my kids can carry the dancing in the kitchen, or the grumpy in the morning. Or maybe they’ll carry both, just like I did.

Your grammy and your Mama sound like all of the good things Moms should be. I can see their love in you, all the way from here.

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Thanks for posting this, Nici. I’m sending it to my friend who recently lost her lovely 92-year-old grandma and is dealing with a lot of the feelings you describe. It’s so good to know one isn’t alone. That others, understand what you feel because they know it themselves from their own, independent experience.

To Kate, I admire your strength. My mother had a relationship with her mother very much like what you describe. She has often told me she feels it’s a gift to have an example of “how not to be,” a very generous attitude, considering what she went through.

I can only imagine the effort required for people like you and my mom to break the cycle of, in my mom’s case, alcoholism and abuse. Starting from scratch, making new traditions, working hard not to let bitter memories and poor parenting habits inadvertently learned from her parents, spill over into the way she raised her own children. She was really flying blind, but she has been a great mom. I’m sorry that she wasn’t close to her mother, but she adored her wonderful Nanny (grandma). We’ve cobbled together a pretty cool family of choice that we wouldn’t have known had we forced ourselves to adhere to abusive relationships simply because of blood kinship. There is some grief, sure, but there’s also lots of misery averted, lots of joy found.

Nici, thank you again for posting this touching column. I’m so glad you have sweet memories of your grammy. Susan

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This was so beautiful to read.
I never knew my mom’s mom, who died a month before I was born… and my mom left when I was 11…I sometimes feel like I’m making up this “mom” thing as I go along (aren’t we all.) And then sometimes…when I’m buttoning Alden’s sweater or playing silly rhyme games or pretending to chase while standing still…I’ll catch a memory of me (small) and her (present)…

I love Margot’s color against the white/gray of winter….

Nici you are such a beautiful writer. Loved this! Wish my Grandmas were still alive so I could call them up right now. But then I have to smile because I know the best parts of them are right here with me always.

This was so heartfelt and beautifully written. I could feel your emotions weaved through every word that was written. Reading this made me reflect on my own family relationships, thankful for the women who came before me and grateful for my beautiful daughters who will grow up feeling the love in every smile, gesture, and tradition passed down from those who came before. Thanks for making me pause and remember where and who I came from.

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Just a beautiful post….this week is a year since my mom passed away – I am so glad I got to read this post, this week…thank you.

xoxo Elizabeth

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Beautiful, Nici.

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Thank you for this. Yesterday would have been my Nana’s 80th birthday. She died 19 months ago-just 2 days after I had my little boy. She never got to meet him, but she got to see pictures of him the day he was born. My Nana was like a second mother to me, and I would give anything for just one more day. She always hummed while washing the dishes and cooking, too.