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I think I always feel pretty free to express myself here but this morning? I am raw and on fire.

I had a bit of a spiritual awakening this weekend. My family left town and I was in my home by myself for two days. I haven’t been home alone for more than a few hours in over three years. It came on the heels of our too-full plate getting one last spoonful of mashed potatoes and then the whole damn thing dropped to the floor.

I believe in the law of attraction so I have looking for guidance as to why we are suddenly in place of frantic, stressful energy. Having the weekend to sit, undistracted, with that and experience the host of uncomfortable emotions I felt when those effing potatoes landed on the plate was revealing, opening and healing.

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Let me move away from the potato metaphor and say that a few days after Margot broke her thumb (all is well there! It is healing beautifully, no cast, splint off in a week! Thank you for your kind thoughts.) she fell off a chair and split her forehead right open. An amazingly kind and lovely Dr. Fritz sewed three stitches in her head and that’s that. Looks like we just might meet our insurance deductible after all!

But, boy, I’ll tell you it has been a trying month in many areas of our life. We have had good, big talks about what we want. To me that is the heart of the law of attraction: talking about what we want instead of what we don’t want. And, thankfully, there are many positive, productive, creative things coming out of our tornado month. It will take me a while before I can look back and feel appreciative for the tornado but I’ll get there. Right now I think the tornado is kind of an asshole.

I wrote about my meditative weekend in this week’s mama digs: sow, mend.

I also want to tell you this: the over 400 comments that came in on last Saturday’s post fed my soul. I asked a simple question about what path-changing experience you have had in the last four years and I read every single comment. There is just so much connection, support, camaraderie, trust and love out there. People are beautiful. You continually remind me that goodness and honesty eclipse negativity. Which brought me to another realization whose details are mine. But know that you have changed me in a really great way. I will say: I am human. I am vulnerable. We are all writers and readers. We all own our perspective. We all choose how we engage. We are all so powerful!

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You know what I am so excited about right this minute?

My mom is coming to town today!
I feel alive and in love!
It is spring!
I get to tell you who won the camera!

Random.org picked comment #35, Cait said…
Congrats on a great four years! For us my man and I have both finished our undergraduate degrees, played house for a while in the city and then (more recently in the last few months) thrown caution to the wind and moved home to our farm. We started our own blog to keep our city friends updated about our farm adventures but at the same time we’ve enjoyed looking back through the blog at the little details of the last 6 months that we might have forgotten. The things we couldn’t really notice at the time as we ran around getting ready for our animals to arrive!

xo,
dig

:: :: ::

all photos taken with a Canon Digital SLR from Vanns.com

41 Responses to open

  1. Jenn says:

    via mamalode.com:

    Sometimes, I swear you are peeking in on my life. My youngest has fallen twice in the past two days and I couldn’t help but sit on the kitchen floor and cry. Indeed my pressure cooker had met it’s limit as well. And how ironic it is, that while we are feeling so horrible we weren’t there to stop the incident from happening, we are the ones they seek for comfort. An extra jab to the heart.

    I’m glad that you had that time to yourself. It is a good reminder for me to appreciate and make use of the quiet time I can sneak in now and again. Perhaps, I will take your cue and see if I can find my running shoes.

    I’m really looking forward to seeing your art. It sounds very intriguing!

    -Jenn

  2. Jen says:

    via mamalode.com:

    OMG Nici. This spoke right to me! Just a few weekends ago I had a weekend to myself too….what an amazing time to regroup.

    I also have had major kid injuries (ironically two kids with hand injuries right after what happened with Margot) and it has been HARD! I’m glad you were able to feel it, let it out, and bravo to Margot for her amazing energy!

    I can’t wait to see your art. Amazing how your life weaves in all your beautiful hats so artistically….mama, artist, gardener, wife, writer. You are such an inspiration.!!

    Here’s to rejuvenation and truly LIVING the moments of life!!!

  3. Jean says:

    via mamalode.com:

    I knew solitude would rejuvenate you. I love you, woman.

  4. Zoe says:

    via mamalode.com:

    Oh Nici… sometimes it just comes in bunches.
    I’ve been finding myself randomly bursting into tears, or fighting them back the last few weeks. I’m not sure what’s happened, but all the stuff of the last few years is settling into my bones, and I’m having epiphanies all over the place.

    I’m so happy for you that you got time alone to play your music loud and dance your ass off! That is one of the most healing things I can imagine.

    I wish I was going to be there for your show. We won’t be there yet.
    Just keep swimming…

  5. via mamalode.com:

    The earth has many beautiful secrets and She does indeed, let us in, along her grooves and cracks, mostly when we are vulnerable, like Her, we see these deep grooves in ourselves, in the earth, in each other.

    Enjoyed this piece, Nici Holt Cline, you are just so damn easy to adore. Good luck with your art show on April Fool’s Day. I wish I could go – that sounds really interesting.

  6. I didn’t leave a comment on Saturday because I don’t need a camera…but I will now. Four years ago I sat down and listed five important things in my life to focus on and prioritize. I have and it’s been awesome! (The law of attraction….)I had much the same experience this summer with three whole uninterupted days to myself. A little scary and unsettling at first, but it helped me to again clarify priorites, make a plan to work toward them and….I was incredibly rejuvinated when the family walked through the door. Thanks for the great reminder of this in your post. Margaret

  7. Zoe says:

    Poor, sweet Margot. Boy, she’s had a rough few weeks. I hope she has now entered a bump and bruise free season.

    I too enjoyed reading all of the comments on your last post. Sometimes, four years doesn’t seem that long, but when I read how much your readers (and myself) achieved in those 1460 days, I was amazed. Your blog brings amazing and inspiring people together and for that, I thank you.

  8. Kelle says:

    didn’t leave a comment on last post because i don’t need a camera, but i promise i won’t do that anymotre…i’ll just leave my love and you can pick someone else if you pull my name. with that said, loving your honesty, our chat this morning, your ability to rise above and learn from everything served on your plate.
    xo

  9. Cait says:

    Wow, a camera! Thank you Nici! I have sent along an email with my address. :)

  10. Thank you for being so open and honest. It really feeds my soul as I sit here with one toddler and one teething baby. It’s so nice to know someone else is out there surviving with me.

  11. Yuliya says:

    Can I just say (and I know I don’t actually “know” you and I’ve been only reading your blog for a few months) that I just love you. Every time I read your words I feel something stirring inside of me, inspiring me to be the best possible version of myself. Thank you for doing what you do.

  12. FinnyKnits says:

    Firstly – happy 4th year! I have no idea how long I’ve been reading, but you know I’m a Dig fan. I almost feel like our blogs have grown up a little bit together, though I’m not giving away a camera ;)

    And good for you – be as open and honest and WHAT THE HELL, WORLD! as you like – that’s what this place is for.

    Plus, we all like you so much.

  13. Jaime says:

    I have the utmost empathy for you right now! I have been there often and it does seem like when it rain it pours!!! But hang in there……the rainbow is about to appear. I am very proud of you for knowing when you need some sacred space and time! Things seem to flow better when we are recharged! It reminds us to be simple and present! My husband hired help with our two kids for the weekend and went to a hotel ! It was so awesome! we vowed to sacrifice and save more just to be able to have a stay-cation nearby without the kids together to reconnect….every four months we deserve it!xoxooxoxo

  14. Susan S. says:

    1. Cait! Congrats! Live long and prosper on the farm, there, and document beautifully along the way, won’t you?

    2. You know, Nici, there isn’t one single person in my acquaintance who hasn’t had at least one major trauma/scare this winter. It has just been a really hard winter for everybody this year. We all need time to regroup, rest, cry, dance our booties off, whatever restores and rejuvenates. Grab every chance you get to store up them health points!

    3. I’m afraid I might have missed Andy’s big day. When did/will he finish his apprenticeship? I’d like to heap huge high kudos upon him for his accomplishment. I hope you’ll pass that along.

    You know I’m behind ya 10,000%!

    Susan

  15. I’ve been thinking about you with the pending 4/1 date. Just like that run you had with Alice, go wild. Push yourself. Enjoy it. And when the gallery show starts, stop, take a deep breath, look around, and absorb it.

    xo,

    Jennifer from Annapolis

  16. Poor Margot! But, poor mama, too. I know the feeling of the tornado months … or more like the tornado year of 2010. We were blessed with our daughter but a craptastic series of events followed her birth that left me speechless in fear of what was next. I know how you feel … your two days at home sound like bliss!

  17. Jennifer says:

    We are having a trying time right now. My husband is not happy with this job he took last summer after leaving NASA and a 14 year career there. He had to get out before it all comes crashing down on us. So, we are just trying to hold steady and pray he can find a job that will suit him better.

    I do love the diversity here. So many people from different walks, yet we are all not that different. We all want the same things. Good health, happiness, full belly and a roof over our heads.

    Poor Margot! She has had a rough month too! I can so sympathisize with you as my daughter banged herself up good a year ago passing out while I had blood drawn. She slammed into a wall bruising her cheek and shoulder, then flat on her face busting her chin open and cracking a permanant molar. 3 days later she had pnuemonia. $1500.00 later 8 stiches in her chin, surgery on her mouth to remove molar, orthodontic brace put in till she is 18 and can get an implant put in. It was a crazy month then!

  18. Kristy says:

    It’s good to read that even during the midst of your wonderful, superhuman organic lifestyle, you still stop to take a breath. As a new mother making strides to support my husband’s medical career, raising my baby Roman with the utmost amount of love, selflessness, morale, I can still take a moment to enjoy the silence.
    Time for yourself is clarifying. It can be, as you said, meditative. And, well, sometimes we need breaks from the tyraid of screaming, crying and washing diapers that motherhood entails. It’s a wonderful job description, but I’m glad you got a bit of time for yourself. For Nici.

    Be well, sweets.

  19. Heather says:

    Yo girl, I have been out of the loop and just caught up with you and yours. Feeling your upswing – nothing like muscling through the hard to get to the light. Ok that sounded religious but I mean the light that comes with self care and spring and appreciation for it all. Hugging you from NC.

    Heater

  20. rebecca says:

    ,,,xoxo’s for margot,,,

    ,,,She looked me square and strong in the eyes and smiled. I couldn’t believe she was smiling. I was only a few inches from her face, sobbing, holding a cloth to her forehead. “It’s ok mom. I feel happy.”,,,it won’t be the last time someone stands on the shoulders of margot,,,many will learn from her along the way,,,oh happy day!

  21. megan says:

    beautifully written article. so appropriate your artwork for this time in your life. you are one fantastic mama. keep it up, buttercup.

  22. Ann says:

    you are very lucky to have such a good man!

  23. Malissa says:

    As much as we all adore our families I am a firm believer in occasional alone time. It is good for the soul. Have fun with your mama!

  24. I think the world was specifically designed to have the bad things pour down on us. It sucks when it is happening but it allows for longer bouts of sunshine before the next storm. I think life would be much harder if it was always sprinkling (although sometimes that happens too). I personally prefer the downpours.

    Sounds like your skies are finally clearing. Get ready for the sun!

  25. Honey says:

    Having found your blog, I will never be the same. You inspire me in so many ways- as a soul on the earth, as a pair of hands in the garden, and as a woman who has realized- she wants to be a mother.

    thank you for the honesty, the sharing, the good, the bad and the enlightened!

  26. I really love what spills from your heart when it cracks open.

  27. Emily says:

    I think sometimes a tornado is just an asshole tornado but your response to it is awesome. As is Andy’s, sounds like some alone, creating, thinking, crying, dancing time was just what was needed! No accident that you got 400+ soul feeding comments just when you needed them, you created this inspiring, warm community of people by what you put out there into the world. Like others have said, reading them fed my soul too, after my own tornado and sunshine mixed year or four. So many people working for the same kind of stuff, it’s pretty amazing!

    “It’s life. It’s about growth and fixing stuff…” well said Nici! Hope Margot is healing and you’re having a great time with your mom.

  28. Amie says:

    What I’m loving about you today? You’re always rockin’ some hard core lipstick. What a WOMAN! Enjoy your mama time…always good for the soul. XO

  29. Sage says:

    Nici, I keep leaving these great comments, but then can’t get logged into my google account, and then the baby starts crying and the preschooler really really needs me… all at once! You know the drill. So, all I want to say is life gives us shit sometimes and it sucks, but best not to wallow in it or think too much of it, but just to move on and up. Sounds like that is just what you are doing. Glad your oldest little sweetie is doing better. xo

  30. Melissa says:

    you know, after talking to g, my sister in law, and going through my own catharsis last week, i wonder also if it’s partly that we are all so interconnected, and the tragedies that impact people in distant lands (Japan, the political uprising in the Middle East–at least the deaths and violence involved because there’s some good stuff there, too) have an emotional fallout that reverberates worldwide. you know?

  31. Melissa says:

    ps. Leeor reminds me that Libya is not the Middle East. My bad. I guess he would know because his dad had to flee Tripoli when he was 3 years old and that’s how he landed in Israel . . . some crazy shit!

  32. Melissa says:

    via mamalode.com:

    I had a teary bout in front of the kids the other day and Avi said, “It’s going to be okay, Mommy.”

    So glad Margot is okay but oh my, how scary that must have been!

    Also glad you got to finish your work and have some time to replenish–no one can give from a place of emptiness!

    Wish I could see your work–maybe it will eventually travel?
    xo

  33. Terri Holt says:

    via mamalode.com:

    I am so happy you feel rejuvenated….we all need a reset button now and again. You have a very special husband…..see you soon!

    xoxo

  34. Tina says:

    via mamalode.com:

    How lovely that you had some spring cleaning for your soul. Glad you got some alone time to rejuvenate and reconnect with your inner self.

    Sorry to hear about Margot’s noggin. Such seems like such a sweet, remarkable girl. She’s going to do wonderful things in her lifetime!

  35. via mamalode.com:

    I can’t wait to see your art!

  36. Katie says:

    via mamalode.com:

    Beautiful, Nici. I am so happy for you~that you finally found clarity when you needed it most. Your art exhibit sounds amazing. So wish I could be there to see it in person.

  37. via mamalode.com:

    God, you right beautifully, Nici! I love to read you! I totally relate to how it feels to sit in an empty house, anxious, weird and to find yourself again, to reconnect and create. Sow, mend. Amen.

  38. Meghan says:

    via mamalode.com:

    I’ve been thinking a lot about your post today. I know that you are so proud of what an amazing communicator Margot has become. I believe that she learns how to express herself from moments like your pressure cooker collapse on the floor. She learns that her mama can have big, strong feelings. Her mama can express them. Her mama can still take care of her in the midst of those big feelings. What an amazing lesson she is learning from your example. Big challenges will come her way and she can make it through! As always, I appreciate you sharing your journey. I learn a lot from you!

  39. rebecca says:

    via mamalode.com:

    ,,,oh how i wish i could go to the opening of your art exhibit,,,please, please, please promise that you will share photos of same,,,i’m happy for you that you’re happy and rejuvenated!,,,

  40. Jill B says:

    via mamalode.com:

    Wow, you are one crazy wicked talented writer! And, artist too! Sure hope you will share some pictures from your art exhibition.

    Most of all, I love your mommy/parenting skills. So sorry to hear about Margot’s stitches in addition to the thumb. Eek! However, sure is wonderful how you turn every situation into a lesson…for yourself, your children… and readers!

    Jill B (Overland Park, KS)

  41. Judybusy says:

    via mamalode.com:

    Oh, I do hope all the accidents are done for now! Kudos to you for taking your husband up on his offer. Can’t wait to see pictures of your pieces–they sound so intriguing!