I’ve never been moved away from. I’ve always been the one to move away. Growing up, my dad’s job hopped us around the country every few years. I left college in Georgia to follow love back to Montana.
It is hard to say goodbye when you are the one leaving but I learned yesterday that it is harder to be the one left. That and, also, I am older and smarter, more in touch with my vulnerabilities, more understanding of mortality. As a mama, I feel my daughters’ emotions and feel what they can’t yet feel because the concept of 1700 miles is about as understandable as next month to my three and five year olds.
We referenced our globe. Ruby found Montana and then Margot found China, where her classmate is from. And then she found Mexico, where our friends live. I pointed to Arkansas, where Pam is moving, and Margot saw what I saw. She said, “Well that’s hardly far at all!” True, compared to China and Mexico.
Our dear friend who is family, Pam, moved away. We’ve seen each other a lot in the last few months, in anticipation of this day. On Sunday I felt panicky like I hadn’t seen enough of her, I hadn’t finished her going away present. Andy gently reminded me of the four going-away parties, the weekend away, the dinners. It won’t ever feel like enough because it doesn’t feel comfortable to imagine her more than 1/2 mile away.
My kids are super sick and the last few days have been emotionally exhausting. Lots of feverish coughing, movie watching, smoothie consuming. Ruby speaks a different language when she’s sick. It’s like whining but more; she speaks whine even when not complaining. Every sentence is almost unbearable. As I was dressing this morning she spoke slowly in a squeaky, barely audible whimper, in Whinese, “maaamaaaaa? I really wish you had a pink bra to match those pretty undies.”
I cried hard yesterday when I hugged Pam goodbye in her driveway. We’d spent the day together, my feverish kids laying across Pam’s lap while she swept their hair from their eyes. It will be a miracle if she escapes illness but she doesn’t care. This is perfectly perfect, she said.
Pam’s departure got me thinking about lots of things but mostly I keep returning to the importance of other awesome, inspiring adults in my kids’ lives. I think back on my honorary aunts and uncles and my real ones. Those relationships shaped me as a young kid, especially the people who talked to me, really talked to me. Asked me questions, called me on my birthday, interacted with me like a real person to be heard from. There are the adults who ask you to sit at the kid table and there are the adults who can’t wait for you to sit on their lap.
Margot and Ruby are the luckiest, in my opinion. Our closest friends have been in our lives for many years and they love our kids in a way that might have initiated because of us but now has nothing to do with us. I am endlessly comforted by and thankful for that. For all the parenting questions I have, I am wholly confident in this: my children are surrounded by the wit and wisdom of passionate, proactive, thoughtful, generous, wise, kind, unique and authentic adults. And that is the most profound, most beautiful education I can give my daughters.
31 Comments
I love this. As a 24 year old grad student living in a small (mostly 20-something-less) town, I feel so blessed to have a unique role in the lives of the many children surrounding me in town, church, and neighborhood. Sometimes I do wonder if spontaneous baking parties at my house and an extra person to call about their loose tooth does matter, and this was really encouraging to me :-). Last month two of “my” girls invited me to come to Grandparents-and-Special-Friends Day at school as a “grandFriend” and that made my heart so happy.
Let it be known: It is such a blessing to US, these honorary aunties and uncles, that you share your children with us!!!!!
Love,
Emily (in the hobbit house outside Portland ;-))
This made my heart swell.
Hugs to all you guys.
xo
Angie
I am (since yesterday) new to your blog, and I haven’t been able to stop pressing “previous entry” and keep reading. Today’s post literally made me tear up. The way you photograph, and the moments you are able to capture, make me want to live….. MORE FULLY…
Thank you for sharing.
This was awesome.
What beautiful pictures. Just filled with love. Your girls are fortunate, indeed. Photographs capture the memories of our heart. You will all have much to look back on.
How wonderful it is to have such an important friend in your life and your kids lives. You are truly blessed.
Oh what a wonderful friend. You can just see how much she loves your kids.
It’s a blessing, hidden though it may be, to have friends you hate to say goodbye to. Saying goodbye still stinks but it does get easier. Funny, I just thought that leaving and being left were a normal part of life. I mean, it’s apparently normal for *my* life but I just assumed everyone lived this way. Hmmm…
I live in Arkansas too. Pam may be disappointed because while this state does have some beautiful places, I just don’t think it compares to the pictures I have seen here of Montana. Maybe she will find her way back to you someday soon. She sounds like a wonderful friend and I’m sorry you had to say goodbye to her. <3
Such lovely words about a friend who obviously means so much to your family. I sometimes take the responsibility of raising and shaping my children independently (with my husband) and neglect to see or nurture the oh-so-important relationships with other amazing adults in their lives. Just last night at church, a friend who has girls several years older than mine, took my 2 by the hands and filled their bowls with ice cream for them. And then holding my oldest close, told her, “You are awesome, just awesome. Don’t forget that.” Later at home, my girls remembered the ice cream and sprinkles and I remembered the words. I am so grateful for friends who step in even when I don’t think to ask them to.
I am sorry your friend moved away, but I am grateful you all have each other. Such friendships are blessings, indeed.
I have a super close friend/co-worker also named Pam who looks to be around your Pam’s age. I was reluctant to take my dream job with our company working from home because the thought of not seeing her every single day was terrifying. Kindred spirits don’t come along every day…they are such treasures.
I can feel the love this this post. *tears*
You have become wiser in your “old” age!…I had these thoughts every time, of my great friends when we moved every few years…”I am the one starting a new, fun adventure…it is they who are not, WE, meaning you, Travis, Dad & our pets are the lucky ones”….that is how I looked at every move we did.
Pam is simply THE BEST…period. I know I a m a better person for knowing her and I am thankful she was/is such an important part of your family/my family.
As education goes….. Pam 101 would be the class that students would be clamoring to get in to!
Love you Burb….xo
Nici,
I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you right now. The photos are just lovely. Chin up…it’ll be okay.
Shannon
Road trip to Arkansas!?
But seriously, I feel your pain. Your words punched me in the gut a little (in a good way) since my own best friend (EVER) moved from Oregon to Washington DC last summer. We videochat. The kids and I send her phone pictures and postcards in the mail, but it’s really never the same once they are gone. I miss her every day.
I suppose we are just lucky to have friends who are so worthy of being missed.
This made me cry. I don’t have much personal experience to draw from, but I can imagine how it would feel and my heart breaks. Thank you for sharing so much of your personal life and thoughts and feelings with us.
So sweet. So much a reminder of the great folks who shaped my life. My parents’ best friends who we still call aunt and uncle, their neighbors from 35 years ago who still haul 2 1/2 hours to my folks’ for holiday get togethers, who came to my high school and college graduations and our first housewarming.
These are great people and they do teach us the most.
**LOVE**
Hey Nici.
This is one of the world’s sweetest hurts. But it’s still a hurt.
I have my best friends spread across the country. Vermont, Boston, Seattle, Asheville. The worst when they leaving happens. And it hurts. It KILLS. There’s NEVER been enough time together, there are always unfinished wished lists and cocktails not tried. Oh Nici….it BURNS.
But it gets better, of course, and then suddenly you look at the map of the US and you see a constellation of love, of people who would put down everything and drive to the airport to pick you up at the last second if your connecting flight is canceled. They are there, and the visits will be so special, they are proud to show you their new home and their new life, and they are so PROUD to show you – their favorite spark from a life they used to live, the place they used to be.
I used to miss Will so much when he lived in Boone and I lived in Seattle….but then I travelled there and everyone knew my name. He’d talked about me so much, i felt like maybe a little piece of myself had moved with him. It was the best feeling. It made the world feel small….cozy. Safe.
So look at that constellation, find Pam in Arkansas, and imagine the ribbon of light connecting you guys. It’s physically there, we just can’t see it with our eyes. Then imagine the light connecting you to everyone you love across the map and VOILA! A safety net!
By the way, Map is Pam backwards. That’s neat.
This is not to try and take away your pain of missing your friend- that’s all yours, baby! But just a reminder of what you already know- the pain transforms. Into something pretty grand.
By the way, Steph and Ammen (my best friends in seattle) are moving back to Fayetteville, Arkansas in 2005, if you want a road trip buddy.
Love you.
Lina
somehow, I forgot to put Montana on that list. Dude.
Boston, Vermont, Seattle, Asheville…Missoula. Naples.
also, steph and ammen are moving in 2015.
Not eight years ago.
I think I need to just call you. And maybe take a nap.
I love all of your comments. The 2005 move made me burst out laughing. I especially adore the constellation. It’d be fun to literally draw out our maps that form our nets. Let’s do that together with cocktails next time we lock eyeballs. xo
I have always believed exactly what you wrote, that kids benefit immensely from adults who REALLY talk to them. It’s why I love spending time with my friends’ younger kids, just talking to them and getting to know them.
Melina described it so beautifully as a “constellation of love” with friends and family spread out all over.
Sending healing loving thoughts to you from Arkansas!
You captured that Pam love so well that I now love Pam, too.
So much fun to look back at these pictures and remember every one of them (almost!). The one of Margot jumping off the couch–my fave. Thinking of the “Pams” in our life and how sad it would be to say goodbye. xo
Those pics evoke so much LOVE. And they made me teary-eyed.
Beautiful pictures. When did Margot lose a tooth?! I think I missed that post? 😉 She looks so precious. “There are the adults who ask you to sit at the kid table and there are the adults who can’t wait for you to sit on their lap.” …Thank you for reminding me of this. So very true.
aw *hugs* xxx
I love this: ” For all the parenting questions I have, I am wholly confident in this: my children are surrounded by the wit and wisdom of passionate, proactive, thoughtful, generous, wise, kind, unique and authentic adults. And that is the most profound, most beautiful education I can give my daughters.”
Perfect thoughts for our babe’s first birthday. We’re also blessed with many great friends, in that facilitating stage and beginning to see the love grow between folks and our baby. I love how excited she gets to see certain individuals, and I want to surround her with the ones who want her on their lap.
Thank you for sharing so openly, you will never know how much inspiration you’re shining into the universe.
It’s certainly no way to do that and you ought to prevent wherever possible. cheap chanel http://www.topchanelbag2013.co.uk/
So sweet. I want to be Pam’s friend. The photos were wonderful. I got chills.
Can’t get over how beautiful Margot is getting. Like a real grown up girl.
Enjoy your weekend!
Nic, I read you always and tweet/blog about you loads … but I rarely comment. This one really got to me. We are always the ones moving as well and one of the first things that our family needs is to surround ourselves with people that we are proud to add to our address book. Never before though have I realized that what we are in fact doing is surrounding ourselves and our children with kind, unique and authentic adults. Thanks for sharing this piece of your life, even in the goodbyes.
I had a Pam in my life as a child. My family moved from Newfoundland to Ontario, Canada. To this day (0ver 25 years later) she is still in my life, even though we are farther apart. Your children will not forget her and I would bet that at times in there life they will call her to ask for advice, share the happy moments and seek comfort in the tough ones. People like Pam cannot be erased from our lives. The pictures seem to capture her love, kindness and nurturing heart.