My daughters have been beading and sewing, their hands barely showing baby pudge around the knuckles. Or maybe it’s just that I will forever see finger pudge. Agile and determined, they string and thread, stitch and stack. Every little motion brings them closer to their goal. Slow, steady. It’s taking forever. And then it’s done. It hardly took any time at all!
Just like their own growth. Babies yawn minutes into hours. I daydream, stare at the grass leaning with the breeze, seeds about to leave pods. I wake up and they are kids galloping up hill, giggles and speed. It’s taking forever. It hardly took any time at all.
A few weeks back, we made necklaces. We visited the bead shop and they each chose sparkly glass hearts for their pendants. Pink for Ruby, turquoise for Margot. An entire day was spent stringing tiny effervescent beads against tiny opaque beads. We did real clasps and real string, sturdy ones that will endure rivers, swings and cartwheels.
When deciding on the length, Margot pointed to her breastbone and said here, over my heart. Ruby chose the same. Together, they decided that they’d wear them always and forever.
The next morning, sun cut sharp and hot across our living room. Margot sat curled into my body, her nose pressed into the hollow space between my clavicle bones, her fuzzy head under my chin. She held her turquoise heart between her thumb and forefinger and told me she had a dream about kindergarten the night before. About what? I asked. She shrugged.
I asked he what she imagined when she thought about kindergarten. Well, I have lots of new friends. And my teacher is like SO nice. I told her I’d miss her and that I was excited for her. She was squeezing the heart and bright with joy. I said that the blue heart is my heart resting against hers. And that if she ever felt sad or happy or afraid or proud or anything at all, she could touch that heart and know I was feeling those things right with her.
She looked up at me, into me.
Mom? I feel funny. When you said that it made me feel so happy but I also feel like I might cry. It’s weird. Can you say it again?
:: :: ::
I am back on mamalode today with an essay about kindergarten, growth, change and beginning. Click to read mama digs: begin.
49 Comments
If your essay didn’t bring tears to my eyes, that last sentence did.
My daughter is also venturing into kindergarten this fall. We have such a joyful confidence with her new school, but part of me is left fighting a frenetic, nesting-like energy to bring her photo albums up to date. The mommy in me needs to amass the stories and memories written in my phone, on my computer, on scraps of paper into one space. Words captured against favorite images, reminding me of who she was not very long ago.
Incredibly touching…..tears….
I’ll never forget the feeling I had that morning my son stepped onto the bus for K. Margot explains it well.
Oh wow, this brought tears to my eyes. Your girls are precious.
I think I shared once before that kindergarten was so much harder for me than I was anticipating. He had always been in daycare/preschool etc so he was so excited about “big kid school” that he was about to burst. I struggle with the concept of public education…A LOT. Too much to go into here. But I cried (and I am not a cryer) hardcore mostly because you blink and five years are gone, never to return except in memories and pictures.
Margot will THRIVE in whatever environment she finds herself in because she has been raised by an incredibly STRONG, capabale mother and has other strong women all around her. I think any new experience is 95% about confidence…that is the gift you have given her, now it’s her turn to go out an share that gift with her classmates.
Ahh, tears here too. My twin girls are starting pre-school this year. It will be the first time they will ever have been in the care of anyone outside of our family. I am probably more nervous than them, but I love the necklace idea… I may have to do something similar…
What an amazing display of awesome parenting when Margot can beautifully describe her juxtaposing feelings without judgement or fear. Such expression, it’s so fun to read about your family and to watch them grow with you. It’s a lovely journey and we are so grateful you share it with us!
And thank you for reading! I love sharing for the dialog and solidarity it generates. 🙂
Wow… the purity of the world through a childs eyes. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story.
Hi Nici! I’m new around here, and I love your writing. This actually made me teary! I was just thinking about how fast my babies (now 7 (about to start 2nd & 5 (about to start Kinder) are growing. I feel a little sad because I was always so excited to start the next phase, i.e walking talking, etc, that I didn’t take time to enjoy the “what was going on right then”. Now they are way too big and it scares me a little. My “first day of Kindergarten” was bitter sweet. My little guy walked right in like he owned the place (and did in about 2.0 seconds flat :)) If I had known how fast they’d grow I would have tried harder to remember every little thing (like you). 🙂 You are truly inspirational.
Good luck with your “first day”! 🙂 Can’t wait to see it unfold!
Not tears an outright flood here!…..this made me think of you…when you were little you would tell me you never wanted to move away from me, that you wanted to be with me forever….I should have replied, “When you said that it made me feel so happy but I also feel like I might cry. It’s weird. Can you say it again?”
I love you Burb!
So powerful and touching Nici, thank you for sharing this. You and your girls are truely an inspiration!
Beautiful.
“my heart | dig this chick” in reality got me addicted on your web-site!
I reallywill be returning way more often. With thanks ,Bonnie
Ah tears! What gorgeous words. I love that kids teach us to be parents. I am learning and stretching and growing each day, as are you. You have become such a role model in the way you are raising your girls… something I aspire too. Thank you for that.
Beautiful girls, beautiful words… Your posts always make me feel so peaceful. Thanks for sharing!
Whaaaaaaaah!! This post sure tugged at my heartstrings, you are a gifted writer, Dig! My oldest heads to kindergarten this fall too, 5 days after she turns 5. We too contemplated the options over and over and OVER. Thanks for the reminder that it is just this step. Only the first one. Maybe I won’t have to cry myself to sleep tonight 🙂
Cheers to the first step! People take them every day and, then, they have a new view and new options. The unknown is pretty awesome, really. xo
When I read your mom’s comment I started to,sob. I guess because I am in her age group
My daughter turns 30 this year but I am lucky she is near by with my two grandsons who are
The lights of my life. This is a lovely post.
Oh man, just the tears I needed tonight. So beautifully expressed, both essays. Really, your girls will love reading their mama’s words one day and understanding your heart for them even more. I’m in a similar place, planning for kindergarten in the fall for my oldest, and thinking back over the past 5 years and feeling desperate to slow. this. train. down. I think that’s one of the reasons I am so inspired by the stories you share – you seem to have a good grasp on settling into the here and now, milking it for all it’s worth, and allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions in the moments. (Like happy and wanting to cry at the same time.) I wish you and Margot (and Andy and Ruby, too) the best during this upcoming transition. I am sure I will be looking here for more inspiration, or even just commiseration, as I go through it too. New journeys await!
I have never read something that I’ve loved more than this. Margot’s words with yours. Ugh, tears. I have a 4 yr old and I feel the time passing and it quickly turns to mama guilt for somehow not making every moment spectacular like its the 4th of July. I love this post and your daughters words. Thank you for sharing them.
I’m a long time reader but rarely comment. This is so beautiful and beautifully written, and captures perfectly how I feel just about every day as I watch my son grow. Thank you, I love this so much!
Wow. Tears & more tears.
This post was beautiful. Your daughters are so blessed to have you as a mother!
I think this is one of the best posts you’ve ever written. I loved your piece on Mamalode today, but this? This takes the cake.
I started reading your blog exactly five years ago next month, just as I sold my business and my little one was entering kindergarten. I needed a mama compass and you and a few other bloggers were it. Thank you for helping me through those first few years of being home with my kid, watching him try new things and helping me see all I could do and try alongside my little man.
It’s always hard to see your little one transition from preschool to kindergarten and I like to tell people that it’s not just the kid that goes to kindergarten, it’s the parents, too. We learn to navigate a new world (just like them), how to make new friends and figure out where our place is in the new community we are now a part of. Baby steps.
Good luck to you and yours and enjoy this next journey. It’s pretty amazing.
Happy to have you coming back here Tammi! One of these days we’ll meet *fer real.*
Nici – I’ve never left! I just get shy to comment. I’ve read every single post for the last five years. I love following along with you here and on IG. Looking forward to a future rendezvous, too.
So sweet! Made me tear up as I imagine all the growth and development my baby has ahead of her, but realizing how far she has come already. It truly goes way too fast. I wish I could just freeze time and keep her my tiny 3 month old forever. With each new milestone – a smile, rolling over, etc – I get excited but also want to weep because I love this moment and don’t want it to disappear so quickly.
oh my heart… x
Wow. Powerful stuff little Margot.
What amazing little girls! What a marvelous mother!
Such a beautiful essay.
My Eden goes to Kindergarten in the fall and while I want to be cheering on this new milestone, I’m just not there yet. I don’t know what it is exactly that I’m mourning, but it’s something. Thanks for providing cathartic tears and hope to me this morning.
I admire your talent, your gift of being able to write such evocative, sensitive stories. I also always wanted a little girl like yours, or one that would act similarly, bringing me the type of joy yours bring you. I have no kids, but I totally LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog! You are awesome!! Warm hugs to you and yours!
Margot is a poet, just like her mother.
Beautiful Post, Beautiful Girls. What a sweet remembrance they will have of making those necklaces together, and embracing them and thinking of you. Thanks for sharing your sweet, positive outlook on so many things here. I enjoy your posts very much. You help to fill up my creative well and I am so appreciative.
Um, when did Ruby stop being a baby? She’s so big and beautiful. And these days and moments? So big and beautiful!
I can remember having a moment like this with my mom, crying and through my tears saying “I don’t know why I am crying.” what a beautiful moment. I think that in reading this just now, I connected with my mama’s heart. thanks for that. xo
I love that you remember you own moment as a kid. That’s awesome.
I have 2 girls that same age as yours and these words that you wrote mirror what is in my heart currently as I watch my girls on their journey. Your words so beautifully spelled out what I think and feel every minute of every day. Thank you for sharing and reminding me to take a moment to pause and reflect on how time does not stand still and how my girls are continually growing and changing.
This brought tears to my eyes, I told my 14 year old son at his grade 8 graduation how proud I was of him and how excited I was that he was heading to high school in the fall. He got tears in his eyes, which he quickly wiped away before I could see. It’s awesome watching kids on their fantastic journeys, enjoy your girls they will be 14 before you know it.
Oh that is the best. Awesome indeed.
thanks.
again.
that first photo…and that last quote.
wow.
That was so adorable it made ME feel so happy but also like I could cry! Love it!
Oh my sweetness!!
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This post took me back and reminded me of sweet moments with my oldest daughter when she was young and venturing into school herself. My mother is kind and generous and always bestows us with gifts of clothing. When my daughter was in kindergarten she received a beautiful sweater from my mom and when she pulled it over head and wriggled into it, I said “it’s a hug from Nana”. Now, every time she gets a gift of clothing it is a “wearable hug” and if we are missing a family member we select a piece a clothing from that person and wear them close all day. Thank you for the post and the memories it brought back.
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