Dear Ruby,
You started preschool this week.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed in recognizing your firsts as much as I did your sister’s. It’s not that your stuff isn’t big, important and real between you and me. It is. It’s more like I heaved more emotional heft with Margot’s firsts and I sure took more photographs. Margot’s firsts were THE firsts. I’ve been thinking about this and I have two thoughts I’d like to give you credit for.
1: You, dear girl, taught me to slow the hell down. Like, really. Not just in theory. To put the camera/phone/calendar/blog/agenda/facebook/career aside and STARE into your amazingness. You nearly died. I thought many times you’d die when you were just a wrinkled red tiny person full of life saving tubes. I wanted to feel attached to you but felt like I should let go of you. And you lived. You are so alive. I think about that every single day. You are such a gift.
2: Also, you entered into a package deal. Every experience you have is shared with your sister. Even when she isn’t in the frame, she’s there. She is with you on your firsts. In fact, her pride and love equals mine and your dad’s. I remember when I was about to birth you and I confessed to your dad that I was worried about dividing my time between two children. Would you feel the love and attention your sister did? Your dad reminded me that you’d feel more. Because Margot was there. You had an extra person to love you. He was so right on. He often is.
Ok, so I am starting this series to document things I want to remember and things I want you to know. About right now. THIS moment.
* I love gardening with you. You love to garden.
* On your first day of preschool, you chose to wear your raggedy anne dress and it was dirty so I spot cleaned it in the bathroom sink, straightening out the little heart pockets. You love those heart pockets. You also wanted two little braids and to wear one of my grandmother’s blingy necklaces.
* You giggle so hard you can’t breathe and give yourself the hiccups.
* You will wear your sparkly red shoes until your toes push through the ends.
* You ran into your first day of school confidently. Margot gives you great support and she was right by your side. You were nervous. Also, your Aunt Lindsay was there with us. I was so thankful to have Lindsay there. When I decided to go, you clung to me like your little velcro-footed monkey doll and I wondered what the hell I was doing. Sometimes things I do feel so wrong. This was one of those times. So I sat with it and cried with you and waited to see. I don’t think you knew I was crying. The air started moving again and you relaxed. I left when it felt right. You had a fabulous day.
* At school you stood there with your backpack and lunchbox and grin, feathery blond hair in all directions. There was something about that moment that punched my heart. I felt proud, nostalgic and so lucky.
Ruby’s backpack c/o Personal Creations
* You like everything Margot likes. Or – as Aunt Lindsay helped me realize – you want to like everything Margot likes. So you do and wear and say and move as she does until you form your own opinion. It’s complicated — sometimes it annoys Margot and sometimes you get angry. Sometimes you fight and yell and wish the other would disappear. The calm after those storms is beautiful. You two communicate well.
* You still climb into our bed every night. There is less and less room for your growing limbs. You will always find space. Lately, you climb up at the foot of the bed and sleep sideways along our feet with our cat.
* You like to sing, ride bikes, hold chickens, run, collect things and cook. You want to start tap dancing.
I love you so much, my girl. You shine light wherever you go and I am so grateful to have this life with you.
With love,
mama
37 Comments
This is one of the best things you’ve ever written. <3
I agree with Gabrielle… I had tears before I started… so lovely… :0)
So love this…..back to re-read xoxox
One of my favorite writings by you Burb..
I can so relate to wondering how you could have enough love for your second child. I had these very thoughts…How could I possibly love this child with the same overwhelming love that I have for my first? I do not think I can….I did, I do and I now also know that this same kind of love is there for grandchildren too…..
You are my Margot….love you so….xoxo
All the best artists have a spotted giraffe/zebra/horse thingie on the table when they’re working!
(Beautiful post – beautiful mummy – beautiful girls.)
shut UP. this is too sweet. that first picture? and the one of the two in the tent? i die. xo
Beautiful. I often feel the same with my second daughter and she’s only 8 months. Like I’ve missed so many if her firsts because I didn’t photograph them like her sisters. But, I didn’t forget and I never will because I was there. My older daughter starts preschool in two weeks. It will be hard I’m sure. I’ll remember this.
and i’m sure you get this loads of times, but ruby? totally your doppelganger.
Nici… absolutely beautiful! I feel like I live in a parallel life only with boys. I teared up reading this! Your sweet Ruby, I just love it. xox Krista
So sweet. Having children is more everything than I ever imagined it would be. Especially these sweet little details of personhood; the qualities about each child that you get to watch develop and fall in love with. And I just loved what you wrote about Margot being an extra person to love Ruby. I think you’re right and I am so glad for my own little second daughter.
sweet girl! so glad she had a great first day. also: hi margot!
I really don’t know what to write but I feel compelled to say something from one mama to another. This was simply beautiful.
That was beautiful. I was reading through tears by the end xx
,,,beautiful! ruby and i share something in common, we both are second in line. she will thrive, grow up to have plenty of moxy, peppered with a pinch of sass and eventually step aside from the shadow of her big sister to go off and do great things on her own. margot is ruby’s biggest advocate and of course andy’s right again… ruby is drenched in love from her big sister!,,,
I have been reading your blog for a few months now and as much as I enjoy it, this post was amazing. I loved every single word of it. Thank you for posting it. It was beautiful and something that you and Ruby will cherish for an eternity.
~ Carrie
This is beautiful and something your daughter will cherish when she is older!
I love this post Nici. I’m sending my little guy off to preschool and expecting our second baby, both next week. It’s gonna be intense. Loved reading this tonight.
As a firstborn myself, I sometimes think that I can’t understand my younger daughter’s lot in life as second in line. But that whole focus on NOW that you referenced? I think my girl does that for me too. I work harder to put myself in her shoes, see things from her perspective, and nurture her where she is. It’s not easy, and I certainly make plenty of mistakes, but I try. Ruby is so blessed to have a mama who notices all these things, records them for her, and loves her so much. Hoping she continues to thrive and grow in this preschool experience… and you too. 🙂
Lovely post with photos to match, your two girls in their dig this chick hoodies all ready for school . Starting school/ preschool so bittersweet for mamas.
I’m bawling. *Bawling*. I’ve been reading/following your blog since a month or two before Ruby was born and it seems like it was just a flash…. This makes me want to go down and snuggle both my girls right now. And I will, thank you.
That first picture is phenomenal. I love how you express your mama love for your kiddos through your writing. Thank you for sharing a glimpse. It warms my heart.
Oh I am crying. I often feel guilty about my youngest not getting the same attention as my oldest did. What your dad said about an extra person to love them is such a comforting thought.
Lucas my youngest started preschool last year and its so bittersweet isn’t it? I came home. I cried at my empty house and rang my mum. She said do something nice right now don’t clean. So I did some thing just for me. When I picked him up I felt refreshed as a mama and he was so excited about all he had done. Suddenly it all didn’t feel so wrong anymore xxxx
Who knew that having kids would be THIS awesome, but it is and so much more.
This was beautiful! Ruby reminds me so much of my youngest, Sophia. I love how you mother.
Straight to the nucleus: heart-felt, honest, beautiful. One of my favorites.
Tears while reading this…… your writing is so BEAUTIFUL !
feeling the love…and also, a big little chunk of space opening up in The Mama’s schedule. How is *that,* friend?
Gorgeous Nici! What a treat watching sweet Ruby grow & blossom… starting school is such a big step. Thank you for sharing your heart.
xo
Kate
This touched my heart so. Your Ruby reminds me of my Eli…a boy, yes, but also my second born. You summed up my heart for him so perfectly :).
Thank you!
And Ruby is a beautiful child!
I love this!
This is eye watering, throat-contrictingly wonderful. Thank you, Nici 🙂
I’m a new(er) follower and have never commented on here, but goodness, this was so lovely. Those girls are SO lucky to have each other, and you. I have wished that for my girl, but different plans were laid for us, and we are so thankful she was chosen to be ours. Anyways, love the Raggedy Anne dress. Absolutely adorable. Keep doin’ what your doin’. I’ll be here readin’ along.
Blessings,
AngelaB
Nici,
This was so beautifully written that I think that any one of us with more than one child could understand simply because most have felt that fear of having enough love to go around when child #2 comes along. Will our second feel slighted? Will our first feel lost? So many feelings that seemed so scary and big were for nothing because our hearts are more than ample for multiple children. You hit the nail on the head in so many ways. You rock!
Simply beautiful! Lovely post. Gosh I’m glad I found you and your blog!! You inspire me to be better, more relaxed, more myself and to just be. I love this focus on documenting the little things that you want to remember and for your girl(s) to know!! What a wonderful tribute!
You have such a gift of articulation. You are the best.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your beautiful family and adventures with your readers. I’m a mama of 4 and half year old twin girls and have been inspired by the way you are approaching your time to create a more thoughtful existense. my family is fortunate enough to have my husband home with our girls full time while I get to pursue my career and provide financially for our family, but time with my girls at this age is so precious and you’ve inspired me to plan our first girls only camping trip. i can’t wait to see our “free range babies” as we affectionatly call them run barefoot through the woods exploring all the good that life has to offer.
wow so cute..awww really such a wonderful piece you wrote here.inspiring!!