The weather is affecting my mood. I believe this is natural, but something about me, in my nearly-36-year-old body, right now. I feel like my palms are on the moon, my heart beating with fahrenheit, my hips in cadence with the sky’s hue. Things feel electric and heavy, as if the plight of humanity depends on the sun’s proximity to the horizon.
Am I making sense? I didn’t plan to write about that and then opened a window and wrote it in an exercise to begin writing when I didn’t feel like it but knew I needed it. When does that start happening – when we do things because of our soul’s greater good rather than doing exactly what we feel like? You know, like my kids. They wouldn’t have cleaned their room when they would rather scale their bunk beds, even when there was a little spark of remembering how great it feels to have a flotsam-free floor, shirts in the shirt drawer and beds without hair barrette shrapnel.
When do we learn to acknowledge and reject the sirens who lull us into the tempting waters of irresponsible indulgence, instead choosing bigger-picture satiating shore?
When do we grow into pushing ourselves to be better humans, make better choices, love better, live better? What does that mean? My kids think about better differently than I do. To them better means skipping a monkey bar seven times in a row, writing pages and pages of phoenetically spelled essays without fear of doing it ‘wrong’, the glee in skiing fast and in control.
And while I envy my daughters’ faithful commitment to this very moment, I also appreciate the beauty in my experience, learned behavior, distraction and forethought. I am thankful I know my dog is aging and I know what that means. I get on my knees and circle her torso with my arms, memorizing her happy grunts and waggy butt. I am thankful I understand the strength that follows a effortful run, especially when dreaded. I am thankful to know that honesty and authenticity are the most important elements of everything, always. I am thankful to choose my daily mantra and then rechoose it. I am thankful for wrinkles and humility and fucking up and growing from it. I am thankful to witness and learn from the spontaneous, microcosmic whimsy of childhood, as a grown up.
I am thankful for these things because I have experienced the other side of some things; I have stories and I benefit from their outcomes. There is redemptive, explosive beauty in our corrupt, saturated, brokenness. I remember the other side of my experience and that informs the next time. I know that I don’t know! and in the not knowing, a giant exhale lives. That exhales roars.
So this lunar, precipitation preoccupation I am in. It’s moving. I know wind is fickle. I know a season’s blood pressure is affected by my own and vice versa. Maybe the question isn’t when do we do things because of our soul’s greater good rather than doing exactly what we feel like? Maybe the question is how do we do exactly what we feel like because it is also our soul’s greater good?
Maybe we possess perfect wisdom as children, grow into injured, skeptical adults and further grow into perfect, sage, healed-injured skeptics looking to the stars for answerless fodder.
33 Comments
This makes perfect sense. Love it.
I love this, so beautiful.
These are my favorite types of post to read from your writing. Thank you.
Beautiful x
I couldn’t convince Rose that it wasn’t her in these photos.
More mysteries.
You lay it out so well.
I too like watching the children’s in-the-momentness, while holding a larger perspective.
xo
Love hearing from you today. You were on my mind last night! When Rose and Margot meet, I do believe they will be kindred. xo
I love this so much. I want to read it again and again so I can take in every word. Your writing blows me away.
Loved it. Loved it so much I know I will be going back to this post to read and think over again. you hit a nail on a large head called life/wife/momma/me <3
This was awesome, wow! Everything in me feels up in the air lately, and I don’t know where to go or what to do. For some reason, this made me feel better….thank you.
I love when words hit the right spot. Thanks and you’re welcome!
This is your best post ever, Nici. Hands-down.
Favorite post. EVER.
you. i can’t wait to sit and catch up. i feel this pull – this connection – cheers to friendship. i hear you. xoxoxo
Wow. I’m glad you wrote this. It speaks to my conflicted heart lately. Thank you.
I feel like your writing is becoming more and more exhausting. A good writer will allow the words to flow in such a way that it eases the readers mind. I find you are almost trying too hard lately and it is all too much. My suggestion is to keep it secretly simple. You do not need to write such detailed descriptions for everything. It is truly exhausting.
This is definitely a wordy one, eh? A different playing with words for me. I am feeling really comfortable writing lately, in just letting it fly…it sound like my style’s current space isn’t your favorite. I thank you for your criticism and would even love to hear more specific feedback. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
^^^ This bit is beautiful. I need to practice this right here more. ^^^
I love, love this.
I don’t comment. Ever. Not sure why, it’s just not my thing. Maybe an insecure worry that my words don’t mean much. But this post was magical. So thank you. I’m in a bit of a teary mess over it because your thoughts make so much sense. Where is the intersection between? Your paragraph under the soapy bubble toes was perfect. Please keep writing. And thank you 🙂
I get it. I am not much a commenter either! Thanks for leaving one today. I do really appreciate hearing from readers. d
Love this! Perfectly imperfect.
You wrote before about putting yoga on a shelf for awhile. Perhaps it is time to pull it back out. I only speak from experience of someone who also needs to pull yoga back off the shelf. Sometimes I find myself suddenly doing a series of stretches, then leading into Sun Salutes, and ending with Moon Salutes, and the world feels content and in balance, at least for a hot minute.
Man, girl, I really dig this. I had to reread it to really hear it – like when I reread Shakespeare…yep, you ‘re the woman Shakespeare from Montana….and I do know how you feel. It’s that trust that we all have such a hard time giving ourselves. That gut instinct. That knowing when you’re off course but it’s ok because you’ve been way off way more. It’s growing older. Knowing a bit more pain, more responsibility. Since I left the safety of a ‘real’.job and went off in my own, I keep hearing myself talk… And I’m surprised. Is that me? Shit, I sound like I know what I’m talking about. Because…I do know what I’m talking about. Finally. I’m finally letting myself fucking talk.
Wow, you went over the edge and into your depth and it was beautiful! You are amazing! Keep going Lady! Love you ! Aunt Penne
WOW Burb, I see such strength and growth in your writing…just keeps getting better and BETTER….Love you so ~ Mom
ps…this made me cry…” I get on my knees and circle her torso with my arms, memorizing her happy grunts and waggy butt. I am thankful I understand the strength that follows a effortful run, especially when dreaded”…I do/have done the same with all my 4 legged children…ALICE love you so too.
This is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you!
I really enjoyed reading this! I’ve been thinking too lately about how much better I get about doing what needs doing instead of what wants doing. But it does come at a cost sometimes.
The coolest part of being a mom to me is getting to sort of live both ways- seeing the world through my kids’ eyes & getting engrossed in that perspective while also having my own! You wrote about it so beautifully & eloquently.
I thought you might enjoy this post that I clicked to right after reading yours- Girl Gone Child wrote about the same thing…sort of. Anyway, thank you for sharing your writing & getting started even when you don’t feel like it!
~Kelli
http://www.girlsgonechild.net/2014/01/the-sun-and-see-say-yes.html
I’ve never commented before but love your blog. I am not sure what you just said there but I think I GET it! My almost 43 year old body in the midst of mothering two young kids and two old dogs can relate.
Great piece! So well written and honest. The poetic nature is a joy to read and it flows beautifully.
I think we start listening to our souls instead of our impulses when someone else’s soul is also in our hands. And you have two beautiful ones there, watching and mimicking your every move. Lucky you!
Love this. xo
I don’t totally get it, but I really liked this post. I think I’d need to sit back with a mug of tea in a big chair and read it slowly to soak it in. I think that is a good sign about writing, that slow, careful reading is necessary, and it is something a reader wants to do. Very nice.
I think you got it, girl – it’s all about presence. “What the world doesn’t tell you – because it doesn’t know – is that you cannot become successful. You can only be successful. Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment. And what is that? There is a sense of quality in what you do, even the most simple action. Quality implies care and attention, which come with awareness. Quality requires your Presence.”
Thank you for sharing that quote! I love it. Who said it?