Montanans don’t usually talk much about cold weather. It is cold here sometimes, every year. Most people I know love winter. My family loves winter. We bundle up and get out there. This last week was different. I mean, it was SO SO cold. We talked about it. Our frozen nostrils, our frozen doors, our frozen cars and other frozen stuff. We were cooped up, on lockdown, unable to play outside. We were stir crazy, our pets were stir crazy. We needed fresh air and exercise.
Thursday morning was the coldest and a young guy robbed a few Missoula businesses at gunpoint. There was a flurry of reporting. He might have been running with a gun toward the University. He didn’t have a coat on. The coat thing really saddened me. I couldn’t stop thinking about this desperate man running in
-35 degree weather without a coat.
The University went into lockdown. And then a handful of schools, including Margot’s elementary school and Ruby’s preschool. I felt a gut punch of fear when I first heard of the lockdown, which I later learned was a lockin. I felt trust and thanks. I so appreciated our schools making the easy, smart choice to lock the doors. Mostly, I felt sad. Sad that my kids will grow up knowing about lockdowns and lockins. Sad that this shit happens. Sad for the stories – you know the ones – etched into my heart. Sad for that cold, running man. Sad for his mom.
Margot, Ruby and their classmates never knew the day was any different than usual because the cold weather had relegated them to the indoors anyway. I picked them up, all bundled up smiles.
This is a huge year of emotional growth for me, with my oldest daughter in kindergarten and lots of conversation about how we want our children to grow, what we hope for them. Among many realizations and affirmations, there is this: we are part of something bigger than just us, our nuclear family. I teach in Margot’s classroom two days a week and it is important work. I have important relationships with these kids, fostered in just 2-3 hours a week. I love them and they love me.
I have cracked open into a whole different kind of mothering — a more whole mothering. I am her mom, his mom, your mom. I am a mom. Without prejudice, without holding back, without rules. I believe that kind of indiscriminate love changes the world. I am learning from it right now in a kindergarten classroom.
Margot is about to lose one of her top teeth. It wobbles around when she talks like a rogue corn kernel. Thursday, when I arrived at her school, she was sitting on a bench with her friend looking at a book about mermaids. Hip-to-hip, puffy coats, ear-flap hats and backpacks. I sent a loving exhale out to anyone out there, cold without a coat. They were born. They were kindergartners with loose teeth, into mermaid books and full of hope.
I turned 36 yesterday. Spent the day with friends and family skiing, returned to our home where it filled with our tribe over soup, an army of small children parading around with tambourines and harmonicas. We made food for more people than we thought could fit into our home. They fit. I cracked a window in the kitchen. A thick, cold wisp of air cut into the smiling warmth.
We had a week of shutting everything in, piling sheepskins around door frames, draping windows with wool, layering up, locking down. It felt claustrophobic and oppressive at times, but we knew it would lift. We knew the days were passing and we’d again feel warm to the core, that we’d experience a brilliant inhale when opening a window.
36 Comments
Beautiful!
You’re leaving a great mark on that classroom of kids, I have no doubt. Even just a little bit of love and understanding may stop someone from one day running with no coat. Love and trusting friendships reverberate and go round and round and round.
Happy Birthday to you.
xo
-Angie
Happy birthday dear Nici. Your words reach a place in my soul that gives me great hope. Keep on sharing your truth. The world needs indiscrimate love for sure.
I always love reading your words. I have felt that same sadness for the fact that my kids are growing up in the age of knowing that it’s a possibility that someone could come into their school and… Yeah, anyway. You are pretty cool & I appreciate your work. Thank you.
I really enjoy reading your posts. This one was just what I needed. I too had a small child in a locked in school Thursday and found it at times difficult to breathe that day. I am so very thankful for the proactive choice the schools made. I also am so saddened any children these days will grow up knowing what lockins mean. The thought also crossed my mind the desperation one must have felt to have chosen the coldest day of our year to commit those acts and be running coatless. It was a whirlwind of emotions that day… And I found your last paragraph refreshing. As Thursday neared an end and lockins were lifted, resilience set in and I could finally begin to breathe and know I’d get the warm and fuzzy feeling of sending my little back to the place I adore so much.
Happy Birthday Nici! It sounds like you had a great day, filled with love and warmth. The best kind of day.
I went from helping in my youngest’s preschool class last year to becoming a paid aide this year. I always say I get paid in stickers but really I get paid in hugs. It’s a hugely important job and as a parent I know it can be a scary thing sending your child off to spend two, three or seven hours with people you hope love your kids as much as you do. I try to do that and it sounds like you do that too. Here’s to being somebody’s mother…at least for a couple hours.
I. Love. Your. Blog.
Our little town in Oregon got the most snow its had in five years. Everything’s totally shut down. So much fun for us (not being sarcastic!)
So fun for you! My in-laws were sending snaps of them all over Portland covered in snow. Love it.
These things they sadden me too, and frighten me. Buy then I read something like this so full of love and compassion. And I know that we are, despite everything, innately good. I feel hope.
Thank you Nici and Happy Birthday! xxx
I really believe that! We are innately good. I’ve seen so many hard people crack into vulnerable, alive, caring people. It’s there and sometimes it takes a great deal of practice and persistence (on behalf of the person and the people around them) to bring the good into the driver’s seat.
A wonderful, thoughtful post…When something “hard” happens these days I always think of Margot & Ruby…I too worry about them growing up in this world…but then I think all loving parents have thought this, I know I did and I also think look who their parents are…YOU and Andy then I smile and know all will be alright!
This was an awesome comment , “I sent a loving exhale out to anyone out there, cold without a coat. They were born. They were kindergartners with loose teeth, into mermaid books and full of hope”…and this, “Sad for his mom.” I love you Burb…stay warm xo
Hi Nicky, lovely writing, I feel the same way you do about the world our kids are growing up. And sad for that man and his family. Our job is to bring our kids up so they spread the goodness and kindness in the world to compensate and reduce all the negative stuff. I am certainly trying to do that with my 3 kids and I can see that you are doing a wonderful job too.
I don’t normal comment but I have been following your blog for a long time and today I just wanted to with you Happy birthday for yesterday . Thanks for your words. Karolina xx
Happy Birthday and the Year to Come!
I’ve been reading and occasionally commenting for several years. A few posts back someone made a comment about how your writing had changed and she didn’t like that. You handled that with grace. I, too, thought your writing has changed the last few months. But it has me so excited. Because you’ve done that before – and the next burst is better than the last, each time. You are growing and moving in this space and time and while that thoughtful piece wasn’t my style, I love love love what this means. A future filled with wonder, compassion and joy. I can’t wait to “hear” how it flows through you.
Keep up the heart-filled work. And thank you for your gift to us.
I was so tempted to go back and see what has changed! Many have told me this in the last few months and it has had me scratching my head a bit. I mean, I make intentional choices about content and I know that has changed as my kids age and as I evolve…But then I got great advice from a friend and she said don’t! Just move forward from here. That I am in a good place with good momentum, that I might trip it all up if I try to analyze my journey.
Thanks for your encouragement and support! I sincerely appreciate it. 🙂
I really admire the way you parent your girls. There have been a few times when I’m unsure how to proceed with my 17 month old & I stop & think about how you might handle it. Because you seem thoughtful & respectful of them above all else, which is what I’m striving for too. So thanks for being that clarion at times! It helps to have parenting role models.
I’m not surprised but glad that you felt instant compassion for the young desperate man who was out self-destructing. It is sad. And a couple of weeks ago I shared a link to Rebecca Woolf’s blog because you guys were talking about the same things. I think you are on the same wavelength b/c her latest post goes into great depth about compassion for the “bad guys.” Just thought it was interesting. You might enjoy reading it. I don’t know her, btw, anymore than I know you! Just enjoy reading thoughtful words written by thoughtful women.
Take care & enjoy the break in the cold, cold weather that is surely coming soon!
Oh, & happy birthday.
So happy my words resonate with you. I so enjoy hearing back from readers. Makes the conversation a little less one-sided. So thanks for commenting and sharing!
Yes…to it all.
“I am a mom. Without prejudice, without holding back, without rules. I believe that kind of indiscriminate love changes the world…”
I think about this often as I am now the mom of two. I am a MOM. I have a responsibility to help grow these kids…all kids, not just me own…into kind, giving people who leave their mark on the world. A positive mark. I try to make sure my boys lead by example.
Lovely! I thought about your words as I drove this morning. I live in a place where the entire city shut down (literally, the mayor closed all government offices) because it was expected to hit -15. Don’t get me wrong, it is cold, but the world keeps on turning. That is part of the locked in feeling. The world is going on around us and yet we are locked inside, not experiencing the outside world. Yet, when we then head out again, the colors of the world are so beautiful because they went missing for a bit and are back, like an eclipse.
I work in a school, and lock downs are the worst! We’ve had some in which the kids didn’t know what was happening, and we’ve had some where the kids were crouched in a corner, my own daughter at the other end of the school, locked in a different room, me terrified at the distance. The difference is huge. Once the kids know, it is like the world around them becomes a little less safe for awhile, and school is always supposed to be a safe place. I fought my own daughter’s fears for weeks afterwards.
I feel like there is something poetic in those two statements somewhere, but I just can’t quite find it.
Happy Birthday, and Thank You for sharing with us the gift of your words.
I’ve often considered that indiscriminate love you described. As a big sister of several younger siblings growing up, (I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters) when I ventured out into the world and had so many episodes and short stories with all kinds of folks- I always remembered when I became suspicious or off-put that maybe this person was a brother or a sister, too. That really really wasted guy at the bar that is fumbling all over himself and everyone is irritated and chastising- he’s someone’s someone, too. Now that I’m a mother… well, it goes even deeper. We really are, each of us, MIRACLES.
And I’m glad to celebrate the miracle of you. Again, Happy Birthday.
XO
(ps- my shopdig cloth is even lovelier in person!)
He’s someone’s someone. Yes!
I love that Nicolette, we are all miracles. If you study evolution and the human journey across the globe you realise that every single one of us is the result of a long complex chain of little, important triumphs. It is amazing that we exist and we are what we are. Also as you say, from the mother’s point of view. I know people say that everyone is someone’s child, but I also think ‘everyone has or had a grandma’ and being aware of all that love felt for them makes me want to treat them well and give them a chance.
Nici~I will buy all of your books. You are such a gifted writer. Powerful post.
Oh wow! Thanks. Just have to find time to write just one book! It’ll happen.
I have been helping in my son’s class since he was in Kindergarten, he is in third grade now. Your words perfectly describe the feeling of being his Mom and their Mom beautifully. The work and relationships are so important. I have seen them all grow so much. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to know his classmates and be a part of the school community.
Simply beautiful.
Do you remember anything of your childhood that your parents may have seen as a threat-becoming-reality? My mother and I talked years about the threats of a nuclear war through the 80’s. I remember thinking about it as a child, but now…it’s a moment in my life that thank God never came to fruition. But the lock in makes me thankful that no children were harmed. Makes me think that even the man running around without a coat has a mother. And he is as human as the rest of us.
Such a great question. I remember my parents talking about Muammar Gaddafi and the Libyan war and my mom saying something about how thankful she was to live in the US. It really stuck with me, understanding the different living situations of people all of the world.
“I am a mom. Without prejudice, without holding back, without rules. I believe that kind of indiscriminate love changes the world. I am learning from it right now in a kindergarten classroom.”
YES.
Why is it that we live so many miles apart? I always come back to that dang bean martini. Or, hot chocolate…margaritas…sangria…fountain Pepsi. Whatever. I just need you in my face.
I keep channeling you when I’m walking through our snow-covered streets and my breath breaks apart in front of me. You’re my Mountain Mama, you know.
I thought of you when I wrote that! The way you live inspires, lady.
Well, shoot. After I wrote this super long comment I decided to try to email instead, but couldn’t find a contact, so I’ll post it as a comment.
I save your blog posts for my last to read in my reader because I want to spend time with them.
I get what you have to say. You speak my mind when I cannot find the words.
We spent the last 4-1/2 days in “lock down” in our neighborhood. Cold, snowy Portland. A few inches of snow falls and the whole city shuts down…over 6 inches fall and it shuts down for a few days…1/2 and inch of ice on top…well, nobody is going anywhere.
But we did…we walked down the street to sled. Reece learned to snowboard…over the weekend! We hosted hot chocolate to red faces kids in our front yard, threw snowballs, etc. We had sooo much fun with our neighbors!
Anyway, the other point I am getting to is school. I volunteer to teach art in Reece’s kindergarten class, but I help out any time I can…and his teacher knows that. Today, was one of those days. I brought some work home to do and then picked Lorelai up from school and went back to work in his classroom. I was just helping the teacher out, not working directly with students, but I LOVE that I know all the kids names. I love that they know that I am Reece’s mom. I love that the school and his teacher allow Lorelai to be there with me so I can spend more time there. I love that I can be a part of not only my son (and daughters) lives, but the lives of all of the children.
Thanks again for writing with your heart. I am right there with you.
Knowing the kids is one of the greatest gifts! I find that, on days when Margot isn’t talkative about her day, I can ask questions about other children, classroom dynamics, events etc and she’ll open up with gobs of stories. There are a few kids in her class who didn’t know how to receive or show love at the beginning of the year and they now hug and communicate. It is some of the most rewarding time I’ve ever spent. So happy you are having a wonderful experience too! Important work, I tell ya.
“… we are part of something bigger…” There is something about an oldest child going off to kindergarten that reminds us of that, isn’t there? And gosh, do I struggle with how I… we… fit into that bigger picture. All of your work is important, Nici, every single part. But when I go into my daughter’s classroom and share hugs all around, look deep into a child’s eyes, and try to love with just my presence, there is something about *that* that does feel so important; I hear you. Happy birthday to you! Hugs —
I hear you about the weather Nici – but in a whole different way. Here in Adelaide, Australia its been over 40 degrees (C not F!) for over a week. I love the summer – but this summer it has been hotter, drier and scorching for longer. The heat keeps us cooped up indoors with the AC cranking. No motivation for housework, playing anything that requires energy or much else really. Its a welcome respite to see you in the snow with your family. As it is probably for you to imagine all of us on the other side of the world sweltering away!
That photo. The close two shot. OMG Special. Wonderful.
You are a talented writer. I have enjoyed reading your post. I have a question for you. I currently live right outside of Baton Rouge, LA and have always wanted to move to Montana (I am originally from Mississippi). My husband is looking into the possibility of a transfer to Billings, MT. We have been discussing it for a few years now. We finally sold our house, which would make this move easy. I home school my three children and we are a Christian family. I love and long for a slow paced life. We live in a nice & relatively safe community. However the crime rate in Baton Rouge is booming. They installed a new detection system around the city to notify the police when a gun shot is heard in case someone is shot and no one reported it, so they know where to go. I feel it is TIME to GO! We have had almost a murder a day this year (2014) & numerous home invasions. I know Montana is VERY different from what I am use to…the weather for example todays high was 66. I follow your weather and yesterday they said it felt like -5. So here are my questions. Do you really get out and do stuff in the snow? (I love the thought of living in a place that has seasonal change but I have never lived in snow – our city shuts down if 1 flake falls). Are the people there nice -I am nervous we would not be welcomed b/c we are not Montanans? (The people here are very nice for the most part). If you had to describe the lifestyle for a family in Montana how would you describe it? (I have 2 boys 8 & 9 and a daughter 10). What are your favorite things about living in Montana? Please feel free to share anything (pros or cons) or just advice. I think my biggest fear would be missing my family however – I love to travel so that would just be an excuse to take a road trip. Thank you and God Bless.
Hi Rebekah, What a move for you! A few answers to your questions:
Yes, we get out every day with our kids. I’ve written a bit about it (it’s one of my most frequently asked questions in both summer and winter!). You can find the links on my DIY page (getting out with kids, car cap kit, things to do in the winter…). I think it is about habit and systems. When we first started skiing together, it took 45 minutes to pack up, sometimes more! Now, it takes 5. We all have our roles and we have bins of gear and we go!
People here are very nice. Billings has a different culture than Missoula so look into that so you can learn if it feels like a good fit. (politics, culture etc)
We love living here. We choose it, over anywhere else. People generally don’t live here because they make loads of money. They live here because they picked it as the place they want to spend their precious days, the place they want to raise their family.