I wrote this piece two weeks ago. I have written and rewritten it several times, each time unhappy with the lack of direction and the rambling nature. I have felt doubtful and afraid of being misunderstood. Then I heard this read on the radio this morning:
The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls. – Elizabeth Cady Stanton
And I realized that often the truest way from point A to point B is a big ol’ meandering zig zag.
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Sometimes I feel like I am letting feminism down. I am aware of the juxtaposition of my pre-kid ambitions and my current ambitions. I hear the roar of the Lean In Movement. I choose to lean differently and that can feel so isolating. I feel the criticism – whether legitimate or of my own imagination (I suspect it is a bit of both) – from colleagues; I wonder if I am a person they think of throwing away potential when they ask me what’s new or if I am making art these days.
While I feel inspired by and sure of my choices and my lifestyle in the giant, oceanic sense, I indeed have waves of doubt and insecurity. It’s remarkable that I can feel lost, when moving in right direction with a functioning compass.
I remain driven, although it feels so different from my ambitions, before child. For me, everything regarding my goals and perspective changed when my first daughter was born. Everything. I didn’t want to admit it for over a year. I was still invested in my work but it was no longer what defined my success.
At a dinner party last summer, I talked with a group of friends about how remarkable it is that in this town – where nobody moves for a career opportunity – we have all found meaningful work. A filmmaker, communications director in local government, reporter, nonprofit executive director, artist, nurse and me. My friend asked if I’d go back into my old work (development director at an art museum), someday. Really, you peaked before your time, she said. She said it lightly, as a nod toward how young I was in that job. But I cringed. You can peak more than once. I am peaking now, I defended. I do believe that. And I do feel defensive about it.
I inhale and remember I make my choices with great care and I exhale knowing that, right now, more than any goal or ambition, I want to mother my children. I do. I want to craft a meaningful, altruistic, creative, progressive, loving, living life around this high charge. I want to pay attention to this. This.
I haven’t lost myself in my children. My position doesn’t request your approval or disapproval. My position requests an understanding that the fire in your belly is the same as the fire in my belly. And the moment we stop thinking we should do things, we free ourselves to listen to our true life’s missions (we are complicated; we have more than one; we can change our minds). I don’t believe any authentic calling is common or unimportant.
Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ― Howard Thurman
Of course, I want to achieve a great many things. I think of my creative muse like a rabid texter. I can silence my phone. I can leave the room. I can turn it off. But, at some point, I will see the contents of those green thought bubbles and I will happily engage. I must engage. I owe it to myself, and especially to my children, to muscle my way through my inspired fits.
I want to write this book that stares at me every time I open my computer. And I want to grow GEO to the place where my husband can paint full time. I want to bring back Virgin Harvest and print those canning labels I designed. I want to finish that essay about how adults inappropriately comment on little girls body types (lucky girl! legs for days!) and I want to publish it in some giant magazine. I want to create a garden planting app. I want to realize my children’s book about weighing risk and big living. I want to get my blog posts finished – the ones about beet recipes, my sure-but-insecure desire to homeschool, house projects, building furniture, my favorite kid movies and all the feelings and stories in each corner of each of those ideas. I want to volunteer more, change the lunchroom culture in public schools and make art.
I want to say things out loud. I want to do things. And then I stop and ask myself…
To what end?
For what am I doing things? For whom? Why? On the day I sip my last breath, what do I want to feel I have contributed to the world?
I ask myself, with everything I do: to what end? Yes, I need to earn income and clean and tend and comfort in the same ways we all do. But, the other stuff, the stuff we choose, the way we get there: to what end?
Am I rendering myself irrelevant? Am I shrinking away from the momentum that is in me? Do my fantasies about unplugging completely and moving with my family into the deep wilderness come from a fear of failure? Am I meant to do more? I reflect on those questions often.
I think those things in that paragraph up there will wait. And if they are no longer available to me when I turn my attention to them, I will find the next thing and that will be the right thing.
I tell myself I have plenty of time to ____. Truth is, I either do have plenty of time or I don’t. I might live to accomplish another something and I might die tomorrow. In both circumstances, today: I choose the mess, excitement, love, exhaustion and ceremony of the ordinary. I am
(and then Ruby interrupted me, hijacked my computer and finished it up perfectly)
eyyyyyyyyyyy
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70 Comments
Yes to this. All thoughts that I believe many women have either before, during, or after raising children. Thank you for posting. 🙂
So grateful for this piece you wrote. It resonates with things that I have been thinking about a lot lately as a mother as well. Thank you for finishing it and posting it, I believe more of this mentality is needed in the world. We as women are often thrown in many different directions and for some reason someone (who is it? ourselves?) keeps trying to put them in an order as if some directions are more important or better than the other. I loved the line about the fire in the belly being the same, as long as what we are doing resonates within us and we keep trying as best as we can to move forward I believe we are doing exactly what we need to do.
I’m glad you wrote this. Please know you are definitely not the only one who feels this way about”lean in”- I actually did an entire talk about ” leaning whatever way you want”impatiently two women in the tech community here in Portland, and AM doing another one in January to other women professionals. I was afraid when I first did the talk that nobody would like what I had to say. Instead? I was met with roaring applause. The fact is, Sheryl Sandberg is just another sorority girl who refuse to claim the word feminist back in college. Now she’s a rich lady who has nannies for her kids and never saw them as they were young and never took vacations. Her solution is for us to act more like traditional men, rather than embrace our own strength, and do what we think is best. Here’s a great article I think you might like: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2014/02/25/recline-dont-lean-in-why-i-hate-sheryl-sandberg/. The lady who wrote this received a lot of criticism- but I love her!
Thanks for writing (and publishing) this. I am living in these questions right now and it’s nice to hear they are floating around your head too, since I view you as such a grounded, intentional woman. It’s comforting to know we can be grounded and intentional while also carrying some unsettledness and seeds of other lives within us. I’m currently torn between trying to have a third child in the next year, or beginning a much longed for PhD program that is finally feasible as my first two kids approach full-day school. Or maybe neither, or maybe both. Or maybe continuing to homeschool. There are so many choices, which is perhaps both the blessing and curse of where the feminist movement has brought us. I feel those same questions about realized potential and fear of failure and meaning and to what end? And yet, today. The sacred ordinary of today holds all the meaning I need if I’ll let myself be present in it.
Yes! I think about how lucky women are to have so many choices today. I am just so appreciative of those generations before us. And it feels silly to complain but sometimes, it feels paralyzing. When we care, when we want to be the best we can be — it is easy to see something/learn something/know something else and wonder…I think the important challenge is deciding when to practice right where we are at – to dig into getting to know ourselves right now, on this path and when we ought to leap into something else.
‘The sacred ordinary of today’.
Perfect.
One of your best, most meaningful pieces ever. One of my favorite quotes is Walt Whitman: “Do I contradict myself? Well then I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes).” We all have so much within us- potential, opportunity, drive, passion, and we must choose what makes us come alive, as you said. We will only answer to ourselves, in the end. This lesson is one we have to reteach ourselves every day.
I like the idea of reteaching myself every day. I believe in that. Thanks for those words.
I am in tears, thank you.
I am so happy you chose to publish this. I have that same list of wants, from finishing quilts, to writing those blog posts I’ve had rambling in my head for years (on raising girls, on gardening in our harsh mountain climate, on how all those gender-neutral picture books are written with male pronouns), to changing the entire voting system in Wyoming. Katie over at “Owl and Twine” wrote a piece recently, asking herself, “Am I doing enough?” She comes to rest at a peaceful place much easier than I can. Its a lovely piece of writing. With passion and drive, we are ALL leaning-in, but in different directions. And thank god for that. If we all leaned in the same direction we’d be a bent, leafless stem. We are not. We are a wild bouquet of bursting flowers, taking off all over the place.
Nici, I feel so fortunate to have been at Write: Doe Bay with you this past spring. It feels like ages ago and yet 5 minutes ago. I often wish I could go back and do it all over again. Ask different questions. Have more conversations about exactly THIS. What you wrote in this post. It is honest and thought-provoking and damn true. I hope to meet you again, one day. Anne:)
Perfect. These are my feelings even before I have children and in a way it is comforting to know those fears never subside.
Also, please do make a garden app. That sounds amazing!
I gotta ditto Catherine here. Really, REALLY interested in a garden app! 🙂
A-MEN! And, preach. I feel this whole thing and a ball of “plus, I’m not even doing the PARENT thing well enough right now” to boot.
Loved reading this. Glad I know you.
Oh that! That is a whole other essay. 😉 Glad I know you too mama.
I was just trying to find the “like” button on this comment!
Yes to this. All of this. xo
Oh thank you. These words, these feelings, I am so grateful. So very grateful.
You just gave voice to a struggle so many of us face, thank you!There are no easy answers and career/life/family/navigation is 100% an individual journey. Nici, you are rockin it and your desire to keep on going will propel you to wherever you want to go, whenever you want to get there. You’re doing remarkable things and inspiring a lot of us while you are at it. This post reminds me of a great piece of ad copy I read a long time ago, ‘Isn’t it nice to know that some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.’ Dude, you’ve got like, a dozen more peaks in you, at least 😉
The thing to remember is that feminism includes the conscious DECISION to take care of our children. We do not have to ‘work’ or meet all the potentials within us to be pro-woman. We can choose to be a mother, guilt free. We owe no one out there an explanation. So what if you lose ‘yourself’ in your children? So what? I happen to think that our children bring us to the very basic level of who we are, so how is one to lose oneself? It’s all in how you perceive it. I am in my mid-50s and while I worked part time as a nurse because I had to, I never used the high degree that I earned through many years of schooling(POTENTIAL) and I have not one regret, nothing is as important to me as my children. I dabbled in my various other potentials, which was fun and felt good, but really, to what end? The children. They are where it begins and ends. They are what brings me home to myself-every single time. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thanks for your words here. I feel similarly to your thoughts on what feminism includes and gives. I actually had a paragraph or two that I deleted (in one of my zillion redos) about how I promptly talk myself out of feeling like I’ve let feminism down and what I believe feminism is. I took it out because I thought that point was made through the telling of the rest. I believe in my heart we owe nobody an explanation but it is hard for my brain. I admire your unapologetic commitment to your choices. I think I am hardwired to always be evaluating my actions.
It is an interesting point: “so what if you lose yourself in your children?” I appreciate this challenge. I suppose my pregnant, on-her-way-to-grad-school self promised her future-mother self she wouldn’t let her kids be her everything. I was afraid of losing my way (it seemed so clear back then!) and forgetting the positive change I hoped to affect in this life. You’re right in that my kids spun me into myself more than anything. And it is through them that I feel the desire to be better and do better, deep in my bones.
Yes! Ditto the pregnant and grad school and the whole flood of somewhat confused emotions, regrets, and expectations. My kids are much older than yours, and over time, I have come to really embrace and appreciate my choice. I can see now how wrong leaving them for a career or degree etc would have been, for me, and how I am reaping what was sown through love and patience all those years with these amazing, strong and intelligent young women I know as my babies.
Love these words. Choosing not to follow societies dictates is brave, hard work. I think you are right. At the end of our days, whether that is tomorrow or in 60 years, we won’t regret the time we spent with our children doing the important ordinary. That said, it is hard not to doubt the choices we make everyday that make up the years. I completely get that.
This resonates so loudly! After kids, my goals changed. I no longer gave a hoot about getting a PhD. I cared about spending as much time with my kids as possible. Well-meaning people often say, “There is still time for that. Why not go back?” Truth is, I have no desire to. I want every minute, every breath, every laugh with my kids. I LOVE this life. I second guess it sometimes, but I love it with my whole being.
It is ok to let goals shift and priorities change.
I’ve had a similar experience! Even when I was in my early 40s, women would ask me, “Are you married? Do you have children?” When I said no, they patted my hands and told me, “Don’t worry. There’s still time for that.” I’ve never had the desire to be a “career woman” nor have I had a real, serious desire to be a mother. Just going my best to go about my life being a good person and enjoying the time I have, but there are some people who are determined to make it a lonely experience by suggesting we aren’t meeting expectations. Argh!
Right on. Thank you.
I’m a childless, single, middle-aged woman. I don’t think you know how grateful I am to you and women like you who are raising happy, compassionate, loving children. Kids who understand they are part of something bigger and that coexisting peacefully in our environment is the only useful, enduring measure of success. Your children and their peers are the people I sincerely hope to rely on when I am old and need help myself. You’re making good, kind people and sending them out into the world. Everything else, every other measure of “success,” while exciting and entertaining, is really just smoke and mirrors.
Susan, I am always thankful for your words. I can tell, from years of reading your comments, that you mean what you say and your heart is solid gold. I too am grateful for women like you.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes! Its such a delicate balance! One that I’m constantly evaluating to see how the scales are tilting. And when the work/career scale is a little heavier, I am so thankful for my husband and village of friends (who ARE family) toss a whole lot of love onto my kids, tilting the scales back into balance! I am more appreciative than they can know, and happily help them balance their own scales when needed!
This was so good, truly GOOD! and yes You can peak more than once.
I love you Burb!
xoxo
Long time reader, first time commenting. I am a 50something mom of 2 who chose to be a full time mom when my children were born. It was not the popular choice at the time , but it was something I wanted for my family. I’ve loved every minute of it, but have often felt judged by others, especially by other women. I felt like I constantly had to defend my desicion, when faced with the inevitable “what do you do?” question. “I’m a full time mother right now” was the end to many conversations when meeting someone new. I used to find myself scrambling to talk about what I did before I had kids.
It took years for me to get comfortable with myself and not feel like I had to explain why I made the choice I did and what I contributed to our family. I admire the way you’ve incorporated being
there for your children, your lifestyle and maintaining your business. The point of feminism was to have a choice as to how you want to live your life. I wish people would stop judging each other and stop tying their self worth to a paycheck. Enjoy your beautiful family; time does go by very fast.
The point of feminism was to have a choice as to how you want to live your life. I wish people would stop judging each other and stop tying their self worth to a paycheck.
Heck yeah to THAT!
Thank you Nici for this timely post. My husband and I have been talking about this very topic since we became parents almost a year ago. As our son grows and is more interactive my whole being is pulled to want to stay at home with him (and his future siblings). I just finished reading Home Grown by Ben Hewitt (great read, in my opinion). Your post, his book and three important ladies in my life recently being diagnosed with breast cancer seem like a clear message. Thank you for helping me reflect on the most important things in life. Decision making is the next step – I want to be brave enough to go against the grain. Thank you again, I’m so glad you published this post.
As a mama who recently left my career to be at home with my girls, it’s honestly reassuring to read this. I am struggling with the flailing feeling of “where am I? what is my creative outlet?” right now. I’m slowly reaching out in a new town, trying to find musical opportunities, but my ego is a bit compromised by spending most of my days negotiating with a two-year-old and meeting the needs of my baby. To know that you, who I see as wildly successful and popular and fulfilled, still has insecurities and doubts makes me feel a bit more at-ease with this place that I’m in. Nici, your blog has given me a lot of insight into the kind of woman and mother that I want to be, and I am truly thankful for all you share with us here.
I read this with tears in my eyes. I feel exactly the same. There are so many things I wanted to do creatively but they came second the moment my children were born. I became a stay at home mum which my younger self with big plans swore I would never do. I loved motherhood in a way that I didnt expect. I remember someone saying to me women fought for the right to work and Im throwing it away. That hurt. I wonder if I’m a bad feminist too… But Im still full of dreams and things I want to achieve esp creatively. Finding your purpose is important especially as a mother. I want my children to see me doing that. Im hoping that my route towards my dreams just looks different to how I imagined. In fact your blog and your route to creativity is always what I look to as inspiration. I followed you from the very beginning. I remember your doubts about your creative choices, and watched as you fell hard in love with motherhood. All the things you have achieved while raising them shows me I can have both. Be a mother and create art. Its hard. Its a balancing act. There is always a long list of things we wish to do. That list never ends. And thats what pushes us forward I suppose. But when I read your blog I don’t see all the things you say you want to do but haven’t yet. I see everything you have done and continue to do everyday. Your beautiful girls, your home, your garden, your sewing, your shop, your words, your outlook. It is all art to me. It is your art. You create it everyday. It may not look as you expected but it is incredibly beautiful and is leading to places you can’t even imagine yet. You may have doubts sometimes about your choices but from here the view is stunning.
That’s enough gushing from me now
Sian x
Thank you. I am in a different place, and yet some of the same thoughts. I am 22, and my only real drive and ambition is to start my journey as a mother- which I try to supress- but there are other little things. Not PhD, but some further training (RIE particularly and a childrens counselling course). I am doing it now, sensibly, before I have children, but I feel that however I do it I will in some ways wish I had used this before children time differently and yet also be completely glad I spent it this way. I know peoples reflections on their 20s are usually – I wish I explored more, I wish I dropped everything and did crazy things. It’s just hard. My sister had no other goals, just motherhood, but as soon as her first was born she said her world exploded with things she wanted to do because she could suddenly see past the wanting-to-be-a-mother desire. I’m trying to learn from that, and take that to heart. My sister was married at pregnant by my age, and she did in some ways ‘lose herself’ in her 3 children for a little bit, but is now able to make more time for her to try other things, and spend some time by herself working on her private dreams, as previously her husband couldn’t look after the children at all so she embraced the full time mother role. I am wary of having children too young, of wasting this time, but it’s hard to think of much else, so it’s a conundrum. I feel I am going against my main goals and desires just to do what other people want from me, but I know they must be right. But I also know there is no rush. And yet, I know I could die tomorrow.
What a confusing mess, but such a beautiful lovely joyous mess! And as others have said, how lucky I am to have these choices in the first place!
What would you say to me if I said “I feel I am going against my main goals and desires just to do what other people want from me, but I know they must be right.” Nobody is righter than your gut, dear girl. Trust yourself with bravery and love. xoxo
Loved this, all of it.
There is no greater gift than the gift of raising our children well, no matter what it looks like! The way it feels after they have grown and their adult friends come to you and thank you for being who you are and for raising them to be who they are is an amazing reward. I often think of Kelle and her saying ” Suck the life out of every moment” ……the good the bad the ugly it’s all worth every moment! Hugs to you and your amazing journey!
You are awesome and a hero to this mama.
thank you for sharing this. rings true for me, and it is a good reminder to hear these thoughts haunt even those women who I think to myself “she’s doing it! she figured out how to craft a life, that really works for her and her family. her work feeds her creative spirit and makes a difference in the world.” what you do takes guts, and you are breaking new ground–inventing as you go. you are a writer, maker, photographer, grower, cook, partner, business owner, mama–damn! you are an institution! you are the person that i say to myself “she makes a living doing her life.” and I marvel. and i’m envious, but mostly in awe and happy that you do this work. you have touched my world over and over with your words, images and creations (still teaching those zucchini fritterish pancakes every summer at the food pantry). Thanks for doing your life the way that you do, and for letting us glimpse in, for insight and inspiration.
You have a remarkable gift with words…but I think sometimes what resonates most in your writing is your ability to articulate a piece of truth that resides deep within us, especially when that truth is a little counter-cultural or subversive. So, thank you for deciding to post this, because what felt like disjointed ideas to you reads like honey to a lot of your readers. Of course you can peak more than once. If we are fortunate enough to be gifted with a long journey on this earth how limiting would it be if we couldn’t? Some days it is hard to take both the long view and the absolute present moment view at the same time….and I love what you said about time….there either is more or there isn’t. I’m tucking that in my back pocket alongside the childrens’ books I may or may not finish, the next show I may or may not audition for, and all those education decisions I’ve yet to make for/with my boys (I once was a sure-but insecure-homeschooled and this year I’m a homeschooler finding my way). Again, thank you!
I’m popping back in to say thank you. Your words stuck with me for several days after reading this post, and inspired me to remove all of the things I’d put in my back pocket, spread them out on the table, and really examine them. I wanted to make sure I hadn’t tucked something away that I really want to be using right now, during this moment, and of course there was. There usually is. I started writing again, every day, and published the blog I’ve been mentally sitting on for the past year. I think your words were the last little nudge I needed, and I wanted to express my gratitude. I hope you and yours are making many memories this Thanksgiving weekend.
Wow. Amazing post. Proving that when you do (one does) write honestly, beauty comes forth. So many points I want to congratulate you on, so many. Total agreement when you write, “You can peak more than once”….I think that will, actually, become the norm in future: people will have multiple careers and multiple peaks in those careers as a norm. Love that you want to enable your husband to paint full time. Love that. Love that you recognise the *value* of just being and of living close to your children while they grow. F*** feminism I say (it’s always the women who are meanest to other women anyway). And hello ‘authentic living’ for women and for men. For all. The world won’t get better, as a whole until we recognise what mistakes we’ve made by living materialistically and living out of sync with our destinies, with that little voice inside that tells us what we really want to do. Air kisses and high fives for all those who, like you, who follow their hearts and those little inner voices. You will do what you’re destined to do because you feel it and have the strength to follow those feelings. To honour those feelings. Good on you.
I thought the point of feminism was equality and choices. Do what is right for you and your family, don’t compare yourself to others or let them compare to you, and don’t listen to their judgment. Definitely don’t judge your life on their behalf. I have to think some judgment comes from envy – others wish they had your life or made the choices you make; they feel they can’t for some reason. Instead of owning up to their desires and making peace with their choices, they judge you for yours. “Do you, boo,” and let them do them.
As one of your older readers — I’m 76 and was deeply involved in feminism in early days — let me say that I think you’re doing exactly the right thing. There will be plenty of time to go back to your career once your children are older. They’ll only be kids once and you need to be there to guide them and enjoy them. This is the most important job you have right now! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
god. I feel like this everyday. Thanks for putting it to words.
To what end? Simply that we may be whole. And in being whole, we inspire and help others to reach their potential.
Right there with you. And I love this. Thank you for not letting the others get you down.
Wonderful post Nici! It is great timing too, I have had a flexible part time work schedule since my oldest was born, but now that my youngest is 19 months, I am at the point where I feel I do not get enough time with her and I truly see how quickly the years fly by. So I am thinking of making some changes for next year and walking away from my flexible job with benefits to be with her more and teach little ones. I am preparing myself for the “are you crazy” comments I am going to get, but in my heart, I know if I don’t make the change, I will regret it. It is super scary, but super exciting to think about what the future holds. Hugs!
I needed these words today. Thank you!
I have to think that by asking these very questions, and finding that touchstone every day/hour/minute, we ensure we find our best selves and real purpose. Also: the struggle is real. Ha.
I loved all of this – truly I did – but it’s been a very long and tiring week, and the part I liked best of all was the:
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at the end. That cracked me right up. Thanks.
i haven’t commented in a long time – haven’t actually had time to stalk your blog as I used to ‘pre kids’. needed this one today. thanks girl. it feels warm inside to know i’m not the only one wondering what the fuck i am doing. xoox
Having been raised in Easter Europe, and forever using the excuse that “I am not from here,” I wonder if part of the problem with this wonderful America of ours isn’t the fact that the endless possibilities make us lose sight of the fact that, no matter how wonderful our choices, something always has to give. We can’t have it all, no matter what feminists or anti-feminists say. We’re all doing our best, and it would help to embrace the fact that “best” never means “all.” I think you’re doing it wonderfully well, Nici, and the self-doubt is just a part of the game of life. Your post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes ever, from Annie Dillard: ““Wherever we go, there seems to be only one business at hand – that of finding workable compromises between the sublimity of our ideas and the absurdity of the fact of us.”
Loved your words – as always! But this was especially tender and wonderful and so true to me. I’ve never really understood what “feminism” is supposed to be, but what I’d really love is more acceptance among ourselves as women. More compassion for each other, a greater boundary to the definition of what is powerful and what is brave. More room for second chances and rebirth and reinvention and letting everyone change their minds when they need to. Thanks so very much for this.
This has been resonating with me ever since I read it. Definitely one I will bookmark to come back to in order to refresh. Thank you for this.
I saw Joan Baez in concert many years ago. At one point in the concert someone yelled out “Joan for president!” I had an AHa moment where I thought, that’s it. That’s perfect. This country needs a mother. A mother should run this country. Why dont women stop trying to play the same game in menstown and start playing a different game, a maternal game. Anyway, all that to say, your words reminded me of that night where I realized everyone could benefit from a really invested mom. Your words and ideas are a microcosm of what could be in the big picture. And so……I think I’ll nominate you for president. Joan Baez really is getting a bit too old for that anyway! thank you, again, Nici.
Thank you for this Nici. As a long-term reader of your blog (but first time commenter!) this really resonated with me. I read ‘Lean In’ a couple of summers ago, and felt very much the same as you. The Lean In movement makes the assumption that we are all of the personality type that wants, and has the potential to reach, a senior corporate management position. I believe almost the opposite is true – all I see in my community is successful women who are trying to claw back a work life balance that allows them to spend more time with their children.
I think an important part of the debate is also almost never discussed – what about men who don’t want to lean in?? My husband says there is a lot of pressure on him to reach the highest possible position in his industry, whereas all he would like to do is have a job which enables him to spend more time with his family. But he says this is seen almost as a weakness.
Finally (sorry for the rant!) I think we need to strip back feminism to some simple goals – I work in international development and one of our catch phrases is ‘different but equal’. Feminism should enable us to achieve our true identities in a framework of rights that protects us whilst we do so. Feminism should be about ensuring all women have rights that free them from violence, allow them contraceptive choices, and enable them to earn money independently (should they chose to). If we are protected and respected, we can live our lives how we chose.
The point you make about men is so right on; such an important truth that I’d love to read more about. It seems our culture talks a lot about weakness vs bravery. It’s polarizing and problematic.
I kind of wish I’d picked a different word than ‘feminism’ in that first sentence. I am a feminist and didn’t mean to create a stir a pot about what is and isn’t feminist. I whole heartedly agree with your feminist goals. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
We keep spinning the same kind of yarn with different wool. I love your heart and your brain and your soul – every bit of you.
Oh Nici you always get to the heart of things… even in a ramble you nail it. 🙂
Have been circling around these same questions ever since becoming a mother 8+ years ago… what I always come back to is exactly what you said, “On the day I sip my last breath, what do I want to feel I have contributed to the world?” As I get older & begin to comprehend the fragility of it all on a whole new level, it is the human connections (marriage, raising kids, friendships) that are the base of everything for me. The dreams of what to “do” evolve & change, but following my heart (& gut) has never let me down… even with the “failures”… that is where the meaty stuff happens.
Thank you for writing this!
xo
Kate
AMEN.
I have had these thoughts since I quit working after the birth of our 3rd child. For the first two kids I had a great thing going. I worked 2-3 days a week as a nurse and spent the other days at home with our two daughters. I felt like I was still “living up to my potential.” When someone asked what I did for a living, I felt like I had a respectable answer. But I also got to feel like I saw my kids more than other working moms. I felt more active in their every day lives. After I stopped working I felt like a part of me up and disappeared. And I can’t even say that my job was my passion. It didn’t really define me. But not having it there any more for me to disappear in to for 10-12 hours at a time was unnerving.
You’re not the only one who wants to unplug and pack up and live a tiny existence in the wilderness. I quit Facebook almost a year ago for that exact reason. To what end did I care about what everyone else was doing? Were they my close friends and family? No? Then why did I care? That whole “last breath” line – yeah, exactly. Did I want to spend my last breath reading what a college acquaintance ate for lunch? I find I am more patient with myself on all issues -not only my confusion over my career identity – now that I don’t indulge in the constant comparisons that come with social media. Good luck on that book and all the blog posts and finding all the answers to all these big life questions.
Thank you for your beautiful writing.
Nici – I have re-read your post several times now and let it percolate a bit before leaving a comment here. So much of what you wrote sounds like it could have come from my own heart, it resonates so deeply. I learned something about myself a little over a year ago when I walked away from my career: I worry a lot about what other people might think. Honestly, I worry a lot about what MY CHILDREN will think. How will they describe their mama years from now? What will they learn from me about life choices, career and family, kindness/generosity/making a difference in the world? How will my decisions impact theirs, and what do I want to model for them? I want so desperately to set a good example. While I don’t have answers and continue to question the choices I make on a daily basis, I have learned that having this kind of conversation is so important – here with you, with my family and children, with myself. Thank you for sharing – knowing that someone else whom I highly respect and like is examining life similarly feels reassuring. xo
friend, i am catching up on your blog. read the most recent post and this one with rapt attention. this one was as if you’ve been reading my mind. i have been consumed and paralyzed by many of the same thoughts. you articulated the tension between doing and being along with living your life versus living a life so beautifully. to what end indeed. oh, and the Howard Thurman quote…one of my faves. being alive is what i want everyday and what i want my children to inherit, not just living. big love, sister. thanks for sharing your words and for being such a beautiful example of being intentionally A L I V E. xo
Nici, this is such an excellent piece that I’ve read it multiple times over the week, letting your words and metaphors seep in deep. I am a mother and currently the breadwinner while my husband transforms himself into a nurse. The motherhood is a deliberate choice, but sometimes the reality of life forces us for a time to do things differently; I would love to have the opportunity to be a SAHM, but my season of life right now is about providing in a varied sense. It’s frustrating at times, but it ISN’T because it’s a sliver of my life. And yes, I could lean further into my career and be a CFO or more (seems like a waste sometimes of a MBA), but I know where my balancing point is; and I acknowledge it, and chose my family and friends and my creative outlets. Feminism gives us the power to make our choices boldly. I own my life and I have the strength and knowledge to decide how to chart it.
What I know and love about life is that we (female AND male) are given the opportunity to always learn, become, change, question, and then enhance or transform ourselves into something else. I truly believe that life is evolution and flows like water; nothing is stagnant even if you might feel that it is. We are designed to learn. We are designed to try plan A and then opt for plan B if necessary. We have our entirety to BE. Be creative. Be loving. Be great. Be quiet. Be present. And what I love right now? Being over 40 and really liking myself – flaws and all. And pushing my own envelope. And you know what? I’m excited to think of who I will be at 50 or 60 and what I will learn on the curve of my existence.
Thanks again for sharing your beautiful gift of writing.
I think you’re leaning in to the life you choose for yourself, which is the message I took away from the book. I am in a male-dominated career and the women in my field I admire most are not those who are climbing ladders and breaking glass ceilings (though I give them a ton of credit!), but rather those who have found a niche for themselves, and have found a balance between their hard work and their love for their family/community. I admire them because that’s what I strive for- not to make the most money or be in the position of power, but to build a life that I can enjoy with the people I love and feel proud of the work I do. Your writing and the way you are living your life is important and necessary, and it is inspiring to women who are trying to find their place in the world.
This post was all kinds of awsome. I just kept reading nodding my head yep yep yep! You nailed it, the so many thoughts and feelings I wrestle with myself every day. And by looking at these comments I see I am not alone in the “struggle”
Enjoy your writing, always!
This. Is. Wonderful. I have been a follower since that birthday girl of yours was born, just a short 6 months after my first was born. I now have four kids. Three girls in under 2 1/2 years. To say I feel as I have lost myself is an understatement. But, your words were beautiful and I felt so encouraged. I too can do important and beautiful things, even if it is diaper changes and kissing boo boos. Thank you for your heart and for your passion.
Your blog is one of the reasons that I have been able to embrace my choice to stay at home with my kids, and to define what success means to me, in this moment. (“Success” will no doubt be different in two years, in ten years, but right now I have my priorities in perfect order and I am living my definition of success.) When I was first introduced to your blog, I read about your passion for your babies, your passion for growing, creating, and truly experiencing life. I read it at first thinking, “I want that. I want to feel that way.” And soon I grew to take pride in my choices, in the work I do for my kids, and in the nuances of day-to-day that I am so very blessed to experience. My change in career course has created a broader horizon for me, made me appreciate and see life and work differently, and I am a much better person because of it. I want to thank you for the inspiration and certainty you have brought to my life. Keep it coming!
For some reason, my comments are randomly devoured, so let’s try again.
What I know and love about life is that we (female AND male) are given the opportunity to always learn, become, change, question, and then enhance or transform ourselves into something else. I truly believe that life is evolution and flows like water; nothing is stagnant even if you might feel that it is. We are designed to learn. We are designed to try plan A and then opt for plan B if necessary. We have our entirety to BE – Be creative. Be loving. Be great. Be quiet. Be present. And what I love right now? Being over 40 and really liking myself – flaws and all. And pushing my own envelope. And you know what? I’m excited to think of who I will be at 50 or 60 and what I will learn on the curve of my existence.
Feminism gives us the power to make our choices boldly again and again. And I highly doubt that you peaked at such a young age. Your experience within the art industry in your 20’s is a critical layer of who you are and who you are becoming.
Thanks again for sharing your beautiful gift of writing.