Every night when we go to bed, we carry our kids to their beds from ours, where they always fall asleep just after reading books. We know they will fall back into our bed with us sometime between 10pm and 7am. But for those two to ten hours, we have that entire Queen all to ourselves. Well, and our dog and one or two cats curled among limbs.
I went to log into my blog over the weekend and couldn’t remember my password. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. But I certainly didn’t think it’d take me a good bit to remember how to login. I changed my password almost a year ago when wordpress told me I had to. I know it was almost a year ago because it was the day after Alice died. And on that gray, cold day I changed my password to include the date of her passing.
At night, after I carry Margot across the hall, I place her feet on the ladder to the top bunk. It has been six months since the last time I would ever carry her with one arm and climb the ladder to place her up there. It was literally one single, warm night when I just couldn’t muscle it any longer. Now, she, half-awake, ascends the ladder with me steadying her from below saying I got you baby. Night. Love you.
Ruby is easier, mostly because she’s on the bottom bunk but also because she has just a bit of baby left in her. No matter how awkward the carry position is, her frame sinks against mine like the stars find their place in a constellation.
We leave our door cracked all night because if we don’t, Sam leans his claws into the wood to voice his disapproval. Sam is our 17-year old cat whom we’ve had since he was a kitten. He chooses to sleep with us every night but likes to know he can get out if he wants to.
We went to a college football game last Saturday with my in-laws. At this game, I was one of 25,000 people who wanted a distraction, who wanted to have fun and focus on the things we love about this life. For me, this had absolutely nothing to do with football. For me, I was lifted by our collective ability to breathe and collective craving for contentment, purpose, fulfillment, love and health. I was thoughtful about our crowd of people. The trust and vulnerability, the blood pumping through our hearts. And, what if.
What if.
Several times I drew in a deep breath and pushed a prayer out to those hurting in Paris and Beirut and all over our planet. I drew in a breath and pushed love at my family and my present moment of frivolity. The contrasting feelings felt uncomfortable and human.
“The moment you replace a memory of love with a memory of terror is the moment you lose hope. Don’t become swallowed up by fear. Don’t let this act of terror redefine your past experiences or your hopes for the future.” I love these words by Rachel Brathen (@yoga_girl on instagram). Hope and love. I chose to contribute to this world’s population, the next generation. I sometimes feel concerned, holding my breath against certain realities.
I am hopeful. I am full of love.
Sometime around the football game’s halftime, as the wind howled out of Hellgate Canyon and we all leaned into each other for warmth, a ladybug landed on my chest. She told me to focus on living and loving and the that the beautiful little things are not petty. They are supremely important. She climbed up and down every finger on my hand, so out of place but perfectly placed. She told me to trust people. To believe in goodness, possibility and peace.
Ruby is always the first to rise and shuffle across the hall into our bedroom. She knows that three steps into our room, she can fall forward and our bed will catch her. Andy barely wakes. He lifts the thick down comforter and heavy wool blanket in one stretch and Ruby rolls in. Safe and snug, dedicated to loving and being loved.
She turns six next week. She’s missing two teeth and has two loose teeth. She can scream higher than Mariah, break any record for the wiggliest human, mince garlic as good as any chef and give hugs that melt the world’s hurt. She loves socks that don’t bunch up, books, her sister’s friendship, good bread, piggy backs, tiny containers and playing kittens.
She asked for a nature party. Specifically, she’s dreamed up a scavenger hunt at the river, dancing, spaghetti, salad bar, doggie cake and Santa in attendance.
PS
We left for and returned from our big road trip. It was everything I had hoped: a good mix of planned and spontaneous, with all the real feelings and experiences that naturally surface with travel for a month. I am not yet sure what the sharing of our adventure will look like. I will share some bits and photos here but I have so much in me that I want to write out into many essays. I’d like to write a book about it. I think writing a book is really hard and believe every single author of a book to be so brave and a little bit superhuman. I am currently working on drawing inspiration and courage from them. I did scribble down thoughts in my journal quite often while we traveled. And it felt good. And I’m ok with announcing my idea here even if it takes years or turns into something else entirely. Now I’m rambling and considering deleting this entire paragraph but will leave it. xo
30 Comments
PLEASE sit down if only for 30 minutes and start to write your book today. You are such a talented writer and it doesn’t matter if what you start with, just start. Before you know it you will have a book.
I agree with John, START your book today!!! I can’t wait to read it! Love your posts and your honesty and love in what you share.
And ps….thanks for including that last paragraph….NOT rambling, very important stuff!
As always, your words are balm for raw souls. Thank you.
And yes, sometimes books take EONS to write/birth. Mine is still percolating after announcing it and quitting my job in 2011 to write it.
I think you may find Liz Gilbert’s book and podcast, Big Magic, to be inspirational. I can’t wait to read your book.
I am grateful for your words. Your words in a book…would be golden. I love voicing dreams…thanks for voicing yours.
I 2nd the Big Magic comment from above. Writing a book would be so challenging! Christine Gilbert, a nomadic mum, talks about living a creative life and even more specifically writing a book. Check her out for inspiration!! Almostfearless.com They also have crazy low budget travel adventures like when they biked across Europe last summer with their 3yo and 1 yr old on $50 bikes and zero fitness!!!!!
I hold the same fears at times that steal my breath in the same way…and then I push them out, and choose life and love and choose to cherish the safe feeling and ignore the anxious one.
Please, write…as slow or as quick as you feel, weave it with tales from Margot and Ruby’s points of views, and know that we will be excitedly waiting to read when you’re ready!!
Write on! Your book is the one I would most love to read – I simply adore your writing. I wish you much bravery and superhuman strength – or just hours with your butt in a chair, with pen to paper, you already have what it takes.
Here is a perfectly timed PS about my ‘butt in chair’ comment … A lovely idea about another way to write!
http://www.sarahselecky.com/2015/be-a-writer-who-moves-a-mover-who-writes/
Your writing is so beautiful. Heartfelt, truthful, warm. I must confess that I have been waiting with bated breath for the road trip posts – and photos! I’m so looking forward to reading them, whichever format they arrive in.
I usually never comment on blogs, but I have been a longtime reader of yours and definitely agree with the other comments that you must write a book!! You’re a wonderful writer (just reread your post about Alice and it had me in tears…again.) – so open, honest and inspiring. Just sit down and start pouring it all out on the page!
Your writing is simply amazing.. You NEED to write a book!
You should definitely read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. I think you’d love it x
Please write a book!!! Every time you posted a pic to IG, I thought, “She needs to write a book about this!” Great minds think alike! (Apparently I am excited? So many exclamation points!)
Loved the PS. Yes, write a book. Seriously. I will pre-order my copy. Your blog has been such an inspiration for me. I couldn’t wait to check Instagram everyday during your big adventure. Such a special trip!
XO
The paragraph where you put Margot to bed made me tear up very unexpectedly. I have similar memories of all three of my daughters. I can recall how I tried to take a second to remember all that I was feeling in that moment. Bringing those memories to the surface was both wonderful and painful because my girls are almost grown now (hence those unexpected tears) but man I am blessed to have them. Thanks for reminding me. 🙂
Seriously, put me down for 15 copies of your book.. at about $30 per book that’s about a $500 commitment and you can hold me to it. You have an amazing talent and your writing about your family always brightens my day!
Yes, a book! Great idea. You are my favorite writer these days. Good luck!
Thank you for the ladybug story. The world is a crazy place these days.
I have two upcoming flights and have to admit I’m frightened. My corner of the world is simple and calming but I don’t want to become afraid to leave it.
I’ve missed you, glad you’re back
Oh Nici: your book is already in you- please find the time and space to let it reform on paper.
thank you for sharing that you lay with your kids until they are asleep and that they usually make their way back to your bed after you’ve taken them to theirs.
my husband and i feel very different about our kids and bedtime. i love the snuggle time with them, and am usually spent by their bedtime anyway. he would rather get them to bed as soon as possible and then move on to other things.
i guess we just have to agree to disagree.
maybe i continue to lay with them until we are sleeping and he can move on to late night tv or work.
soon, they will not want me to snuggle them, nor will they need to come to our room in the middle of the night. i want to hold onto this time while i can.
i’m rambling, but i really appreciated this post. especially this week when things seem hard during our bedtime battle.
Yours is a book that I will have re-read countless times with a tattered cover, worn spine and pages that have softened and faded with use. I would buy copies for people I love, knowing they would each get a little something different from it. Whether it’s 2 years from now, or 10, it will be read and re-read with excitement and love! Just as so many of your posts here have. Your writing is something special – and we’ll all wait patiently for the next bit you share!
I just want to tell you that I am a long-time reader of yours and am incredibly grateful of your poetic and honest writing. Thank you for that. Please know that if you write a book, I will buy several advanced copies and send to the people I love most.
I recently wrote only blog about the juxtaposition of all the scary things in the world and all the beauty. Recent events have touched so many of us, including those of us out here in the majestic boonies of Western Australia. 🙂
Here’s to more of the good stuff. Thanks again Nici. xo Rebecca
Thank you for mentioning Paris.
Here in Europe we are shocked and in grief.
It’s comforting to read your words.
Isabelle, a reader from Geneva, Switzerland.
Oh Nici!!! You can do this girl!! You ARE Brave and Superhuman in your own unique way!! You were made to share your heart and soul through your words!! … your words are like a favourite song…comforting, uplifting, real, inspiring and moving!! You will so ROCK this!! So happy you didn’t delete your rambling thoughts on this…:)
I would read your book in a heartbeat! I am so happy you enjoyed your trip. Also, that last picture of Ruby is breathtaking! Hope you enjoy your holiday weekend. I am selfishly happy you’re back from vacation. <3
Love Ladybugs! Can’t wait to read your book. Whenever that may be.
I agree with Yoga girl that we cannot let the actions of others destroy our hope. We need to keep and to grow hope like a bread starter – Learn from others. Keep it alive. Let it grow. Continually share it. Again and again.
I like that you put those words out there about the book. You’re putting the train on the track even if it starts rolling tomorrow or next year. You can. You will. It comes back to that hope thing again, spreading and growing. I am hopeful for you. It sounds like you’re hopeful too.
Great post – I love reading the simple, loving and full words of your blog posts, especially this one. It helps me to slow down during my day and seek the beautiful things and PEOPLE. My sister and her family went away to France for a year and she wrote while they were away and then recreated the pieces into a book after they returned (Home Away by Launa Schweizer). Do it! it will be an additional remarkable journey recording the first remarkable journey for you and your family.
I’ll check out the book! Thanks.