OK, so that movie. The Secret. I liked it alright. It had a good message; one I really believe. Simply that you can’t really have something until you believe you can have it. My man finds the entire concept to be some sort of cult-like infomercial but I know this: you can’t go through life as a impossibilitist because then you can never do things like run a marathon, have a baby, meet the man of your dreams or…….have the School of the Art Institute of Chicago call you this morning and say they are willing to defer your admission for one more year.
Yup.
I had applied to only one graduate school, SAIC. I got in and promptly found out there was some cell division occurring in my uterus. Normally not a reason to not go to school but Andy is in an apprenticeship program here in Montana and my going to Chicago was going to force us apart for two years. And that just doesn’t work with a bug. So, I deferred my admission for one year knowing that I still couldn’t go this fall because Andy still has two years left but I thought, well, I thought, something will work out because it always does.
And I got a call this morning–before I even had my coffee–from a number I didn’t recognize and usually I never answer those numbers but I answered and it was the School asking me if I was planning to come to Chicago this fall. I said I had changed my mind and Michael asked why so I told him my story of bug (not the whole story just that I have one) and that I understood that I was only allowed to defer for one year. To which he said hold on there, I think I can pull some strings or something to that affect.
I wrote this a little over a year ago:
My man and I are pregnant and I am excited, sure, but I didn’t pick this. And sometimes when things pick you, it takes a while to absorb. And I fully absorbed it yesterday when I saw the ultrasound and a tiny flashing light that I am told was the heartbeat. It wasn’t an epic moment for me or it was…but not how it I am told is was going to be. It was really neat but not life changing. I felt simultaneous excitement, anxiety, love and loss.
So I am committed to not feeling how I am supposed to feel and just letting myself feel how I feel. And I feel a little sad that I can’t move to Chicago. That I won’t ever move there like I was planning: alone, wide-eyed, afraid and pulsing. Now I will move to Chicago after my husband is done with school and with a kid, a dog, two cats and a house full of stuff. It will be beautiful and perfect. Everything is different now.
And so here I am in this role of future mama and dealing with all that the universe is dealing me including tons of judgment surrounding my seeming choice to use my uterus instead of my brain.
To all you gardeners, runners, artists, moms, professionals: I declare that I choose both.
I don’t think I could have really understood how profoundly my life would change with the grand entrance of Margot Bea last December, quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Since her birth, I have thought many times I wonder what I’d be doing right now in Chicago? Walking the city streets, espresso in tow, with my new art school friends, talking about the current trends in contemporary art theory. Then I look at bug and that seems so far away, not impossible, just not my reality. I am getting a different kind of higher education.
Realistically, I may or may not go to Chicago but I am electrified at the thought that it still an option for me. It was an exciting jolt this morning. I asked her what she thought of moving to Chicago for two years and she smiled, stuck her tongue out and made a raspberry. Sounds like she’s in.
15 Comments
Wow – Congrats! It would be such an amazing thing and my hat is off to you if you can accomplish it!
Not taking a couple of extra years to get my MFA or spend a year in China teaching ceramics and doing my own on an artist in resident program I was accepted to after getting my BFA will always be questions in my mind. The big, “What if….”
But anything is possible with time and perhaps rather than a masters in ceramics I’ll get one in education when the time is right since leaving the state isn’t an option with Tim’s business.
I wouldn’t trade a second of my time with Charlie or the next little one on the way but it’s always nice to dream of having it all…
Wow I have goose bumps but this is really no surprise to me. I think they are smart enough over there in the windy city to know a gem when one is in their grasp. As far as I am concerned this opportunity was ALWAYS meant to be yours. I am thrilled and very proud of you and very grateful to my son for finding you and bringing you into my life. I trult think this is your future. Only good things for Nicole Rae Holt and her family of animals and humans. Congrats girl, XOXO J
Well hot damn girl, that’s awesome. Decision making while a lot of doors are open is the best!!
Good luck in your decision making. I am so terrible at that. I usually let decisions choose me.
My husband had to watch that movie for school (he’s getting his second masters in counseling). I watched part of it before I fell asleep. I don’t really know what I thought of what I saw. It was different.
That is good good news, and only from one of the best art schools in the nation! I am a proud former Chicagoan — it is a great city and there’s a zoo. 🙂
Why did this post make me cry? (three beers to the wind might help too)..but seriously…I so know what you mean. When we’re young, we just picture this fabulousness to our lives that includes all sorts of dreams of urban chic and career success. I remember thinking there’d be nothing dreamier than living in the city, New Yorker in hand, riding the subway, walking into some fabulous city building every day. NOTHING…let me say it again…NOTHING…could bring me as much happiness as motherhood has. I can so relate here…and love how Bug is always FIRST…and yet you are always pushing yourself to a better you be it Chicago, Montana, fabulous job or just Mommy. Life is grand, eh? Good Luck on whatever it may be life holds for you!
Nici, you have a year to think about it. Even if you don’t go, the fact that you were chosen in the first place and called again is a compliment that you will always relish and never forget. Let go and let God is what I like to say to help me in situations. Love you lots and see you and yours again soon.
That was me Aunt Deb.
To jump on the “wow” band wagon….WOW~WOW~WOW! What a fantastic way to start your Friday sweetie. This may or may not be in the cards but what a great feeing it must be to know the option is there for you….way to go Burb!
(that’s MY girl)
xoxo, Mom
You lucky.
You will always get your heart’s desire. I know it.
I love Margot’s response. No reservations in her world.
i just found your blog (via the root, and blotanical). i will be visiting often. your photos are wonderful, and i love that you included the text from a year ago. it’s great to have doors open to you, whether you choose to walk through them or not.
i’m gonna go check out your other blog too.
“…I decare I choose both…”
and you can.
I believe the best gift we can give our babies is to follow our dreams, whatever they may be. I think in turn, our babies have permission to follow theirs, which is what I want for them…to dream big. love life. I love watching my parents live lives independent of mine…oh, I know I am everything to them, but to see them happy on their own…relying on no one but themselves to provide that kind of fulfillment. when we can be fulfilled on our own, what better people we are…better wives, better moms, friends, etc.
I say go for it!
LOVED this post!
Beautiful post. I love your idea that when things pick you, it sometimes takes a while to absorb. My road through life is a constant fluctuation between my picking things and my figuring out that things are picking me.
I went to two graduate schools in art. One for fine art (Art Center College of Design), and one for film (University of Southern California). I picked both, and neither turned out quite the way I wanted. I wonder if this extra time to think and grow that you have – would have helped me then.
What an amazingly different perspective you will have if and when you go! Two years closer to understanding life and the road you’re on, with a beautiful girl helping lead the way.
it’s always nice to have the options open to you…
and…
you still have time to make your decisions.
and…
you have a wonderful family to take with you now, if you go.
If anything is a good reason to wait for what you want it’s your child. Kudos for not letting go of your dream but giving your child a place of honor in your life. They’re little for such a blink of time, and our desires can wait, not to lose ourselves but to keep it all in perspective. I see too many selfish parents in the world. I like you!