i understand all. too. well.
in other words … i’m really really REALLY tired.
but i know i’m gonna miss this someday.

Im about to head over to read the rest, but first I have to say, I completely understand. My son spend the first months of his life attached to me pretty much all the time. All night. At seven months I finally felt comfortable with a little more separation, and now at ten months he sleeps alone pretty much all night. And sometimes? I just want to go get him and cuddle him in the crook of my arm while he snuggles into me one more time.

You know you talk about balance a lot and you are so right how important it is in EVERYTHING!

Oh I remember when you came home how depleted your were; how worried I was. I also remember telling you, If you go down we all go down….boy did you rally for all of us, especially for Ruby…..Look at her now!

You are a wonderful mama….

xoxo

This post makes my heart hurt. I am in that place where nursing is gradually coming to an end, with my last baby and I don’t want to let go. SO not ready to walk through that door…

Nicki!
I totally remember that struggle with Caleb. I wanted nothing more than to be miserable and sleep deprived due to a newborn nursing all night at home, not to be sleepless and miserable with worry that my baby was in the hospital connected to tubes that supported his life. At ten months, after he did pacify on my breast all night, we started moving him to his own bed. very hard, but worth it for both Caleb and myself.
You are so awesome mama. I can’t tell you how emotional Ruby’s story makes me, and how your words just strike such a personal chord. you are a word artist.
Amy

I wish I had done this when my babe was 9 months. She’s 15 months and I’m still getting up 5 times a night to nurse her back to sleep. We’re about to go hard core this week and try to break the habit, but rocking and singing and holding a screaming toddler is not the same thing. All that running and growing developed muscles and gumption. Oh, how I wish I would have drawn the line at 9 months! You’re a great mama for knowing what is best for your family

I had such a hard time when Sully stopped nursing. My heart was so broken. But the love I got and the way my heart opened because of it will never end. I think that’s the true gift; the real blessing.

Lots of love (and hopefully some peaceful sleep) to you.

Oh, and I wanted to say that I know how hard this transition is, but with Ruby it must feel so much deeper. You did an amzing job, mama. Look at her. Those eyes…beautiful.

“Motherhood is all about the careful balance between nurturing my children with my whole self and maintaining that whole self so I can nurture.”

Oh my goodness, you nailed the whole thing beautifully in this one sentence. Such a hard, hard balance to find. And somehow, the maintaining of one’s whole self is the very hardest part of the dance.

Beautifully written and deeply insightful as always. You are a wonder. And sosososososososo glad Ruby is doing so magnificently. She is just gorgeous, and clearly not starved in any way for anything. Love those pudgy little hands!

oh i feel your pain, i went through the same thing with my 2nd just a month or so ago. but now both of us get better sleep (although he still is a sporadic napper).

thanks for sharing about your mixed emotions. even now i still have them and have to fight the urge to get him out of bed to come sleep with me.

she is too beautiful for words! (you and Bug too)!

Ah it’s so hard. Night weaning and then weaning all together. I cried through both, but when all is said and done and you don’t feel like a truck hit you every morning you begin to see the benefits. But there is something about being the only ones up in the wee hours rocking and being quiet together.

,,,nici you’re a beautiful mother, i love your heart,,,

I was wondering how you were keeping your milk supply up. That answers that question.

You’re not an asshole for wanting to sleep. You’re an amazing mother and she won’t even remember this in a month or so.

Okay. I’m interested in the gruesome details on how you got Ruby to sleep on her own, sans boob. Was there a lot of crying involved? (Not you, her.) I’m reading “the no cry sleep solution” book now. Looking for suggestions : )

I am right there with you, except my baby is 17 months old, and we are still working on not night nursing (I think my daughter is the most stubborn child EVER……)Thank you for the encouragement, and it seems like sleep is all we talk about in our house too….it is nice to know that some day I WILL miss this.

Beautifully said…you are awesome. Lots of love…

You are such a good mama. This was a beautiful post.

We went through the night transition at our house not too long ago, too. It was SO difficult. The first night was brutal. But it got better. And then, one morning I frantically shot out of bed after realizing it was light out and I hadn’t been up at all during the night. (And – ohmygoodness – I really needed her to feed her!)

I know exactly how you feel! BTW: long time reader, first time commenter.

Back to what I was saying…My baby, youngest of 3 (probably our last), is turing one in less than a month. She has started eating more solid food so my milk is decreasing. She was waking about 5-6 times a night, every hour between the hours of midnight and 5am. Now with all that food she’s sleeping better and I know EXACTLY how you feel. My husband thinks I’m nuts. I think he’s nuts. Have fun with Kelle 🙂

I just wanted to tell you that I had similar issues with my boy. He wasn’t sick like Ruby was, but he had a pretty rough first week of life, and then a challenging 9+ months. He also would sleep latched on, ALL NIGHT. He would wake if disconnected. He was pacifying. I also was working. Had to leave the house at 6am, so with him doing that, I was a train wreck.
I just wanted to share and let you know that I’ve been there too. And that you’re not an asshole Mom’s need rest too, and after months and months, you hit a brick wall and need a change. Congrats to you!

Right there with ya. We were up at 5 this morning because of some vicious teething. In some ways, I love that she wants to snuggle with me and that I can calm her when she does not feel good. But on the flip side, mama needs some sleep… cuz the extra coffee isn’t cutting it. So you are not an asshole from wanting uninterrupted, normal sleep. Sleep makes for better moms, healthy babies, and happier days. Here is to a week of happy, sleep-filled nights.

Oh this post hit a chord with me! You are, as a previous commenter noted, a word artist! It is amazing how you find your way through the situation with your words…. and come out on top to boot! This is why you are my inspiration.. where do you get this trait? It is simply amazing.

As you may remember me saying, Annica was 5 weeks early and we had so many problems with sleep and breastfeeding. Because she was my first I didn’t know any better.. .but she pretty much latched on and slept for months and then we couldn’t find a happy balance after that. I remember feeling desperate, so tired, guilty as hell, and so so smoothered. But eventually, we all find our way. We all realize where we have to go and work in the best, least damaging way possible, to get there. It is soo soo hard though. Because we love and care so deeply, and feel the weight of the challenge. And it is personal, it is our flesh and blood. Our hearts.

I think back now that she is 4 and still find some anxiety and wonder how we made it through… I think we just played it day by day and tried to stay consistent, and provide lots of extra love.

Although we all have our own baggage unique to our experiences, we all go through these emotions and question ourselves. You are awesome in that you can see through the fog. Big hug and kisses.

You go, mama. I can write a novel in response to your thoughts, but what it comes down to is that we all do what we have to do, and none of us has all the answers because, as you say, every baby is unique. You are not an asshole for wanting sleep and, just as importantly, Ruby needs the sleep in order to grow and develop properly. So it’s a win-win for both of you. You did the best thing for her, and you know it, and should feel good about it all.

I still get up with Sarah a few times a night to feed her. I feel sad that my “baby” is getting big and sometimes I don’t want to let go.

Goodness. You all, it feels so GOOD to know I am not alone in this struggle of moving on, letting go, holding tight, not know what the fuck to do.

Great big hug to all the mamas with sleepless/sleeping babes out there. xo

wow, what a powerful and amazing story- the contrast between sick and well, your needs and her needs… love it. you are such an insightful woman! but i have always known that about you since the day i met you! i think you are doing an amazing job parenting and being you!

I’m with you…I’m still nursing my 13 mo old a few times a day and now thankfully just occasionally at night. We’re finally getting some sleep. When I’m tired I just remind myself that she’s my last baby and to enjoy …

I’m a new reader… Found you through Kelle and “Enjoying the small things.”

I just decided to back up and read some recent posts to catch up on things and WOW!!! This is my life, though I’m still in the desperate, sleep-deprived, waking every hour or having her sleep latched on all night long phase. I’m losing my sanity and fighting with my husband, short with my toddler who needs every drop of patience I can muster to begin with. And when I read your post, it made me realize a change was needed. I’m not sure how it’s going to happen but thank you for letting me know I’m not alone and for giving me courage to undertake what’s best for me but feels so bad to me as a mommy!

i love your thoughtful reflection, your fierce love for your kids and all the motivation and creativity you generate. so awesome. xo

ps. can’t wait to order a skirt for my girl!

I am a mother of a 3 month old baby girl and I went through some issues with breastfeeding. I am over it now but still think about it everyday while I feed her. Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts. It has helped me arrive at a place of peace and validation.

What beautiful and honest words. Motherhood is just the balance you’ve described. So difficult, so vitally important. We must first live in order to show our children what life looks like. They’re always watching. Then we hold them while they try it for themselves.