Gorgeous!!!! Your MamaDigs this week is some of the *most* beautiful writing. Buoyant… such a funky word that can mean so many different things. I know all too well when birth-days are mixed with joy & fear & the great unkowable. Good for you for getting away & re-discovering your way back. I am way overdue on that front.
Cheers,
Kate

Oh, the day away from the baby…I have yet to do that and my girl is 14 months! Good for you-sounds like it was just what you needed. Glad to be a part of this journey you’re on. Your words are always so positive and uplifting-I always look forward to hearing about your adventures.

Nici,
This reminds me so much of me a year ago. Not sure what to expect around the anniversaries. So quickly was I forced to forget her actual birth-day and be forced to concentrate on Anna’s health. I must say though, that once I was through the day she was admitted and then the day we got to bring her home again, I really felt healed. Although, you are such a good writer that it takes me right back to that scar and almost rips it open again.

http://thereynoldsblog-jennifer.blogspot.com/2009/11/me-and-my-girl.html

http://thereynoldsblog-jennifer.blogspot.com/2009/01/time-will-heal.html

http://thereynoldsblog-jennifer.blogspot.com/2009/12/he-lead-me.html

Glad you were able to enjoy some time away. I do think it’s important for us to trust our hubby’s to get the job done just as well!

Jennifer

Nici,

It’s been five years since Col was sprung from the NICU, and his last birthday was the first one I felt like I was simply CELEBRATING without the awful, scary nagging stories flitting around my brain.

May the remembering and re-telling be healing to your Mama soul.

Yes! from another simultaneously anchored yet floating bouy thanks.

Why not remember? You two have come through a storm and the sunlight on this side is sweet and warm,enjoy!

Wonderful and insightful. I remember that time. I think I still have texts saved with her pictures. I remember rubbing my own chicken, safe inside me, while praying for yours. And here we are. xoxo

My first was born sick and spent the first days of his life Kept alive by machines instead of me. He left the hospital healthy but I wasn’t. Even after 2 1/2 years and a baby brother he still owns me. It is something that I will never get over but it gets so much better. The reminders of that time fade with the addition of new memories. It is good that you write about this.

Broken record? No way.
It takes time to weave through the fear and many emotions you went through on your own and as a family. Eric and I still have moments when we’ll talk about how scared we were when we were going through Theo’s VSD and craniosynostosis (and still are).
Let yourself heal. Some things aren’t meant to be pushed or forced into the *positive*. Ruby’s story did turn out positive, so that element is already there. You might always have pangs of emotion about what you went through and that’s okay.
Keep writing it out. I love that about you.

You know I love your self-reflection, and it’s so true that there’s healing within the telling (and re-telling–except I don’t think it’s repetitive–all these things are cyclical; it’s just that each time they come up, we are hopefully a little different–if that makes sense).

Sometimes I wish that people who experience such trauma reflected more . . . we are a society that wants to get on with it already, and I don’t find that approach helpful to anyone.

Glad you had your girl time, too!! xoxo

Reading your story, in a way helps me understand how I got through the first seven weeks of my babies lives. You have a beautiful gift of making one feel emotion through your words. Mine are already nine months and I still look back and I don’t know how I held it together. Your story brings me back to that place were I stayed so many days, hour after hour in the NICU. They were born at 29 weeks but are prefect, healthy baibes now. Thank you for sharing and please dont stop. 🙂

Nici,
No.. never a broken record. That takes time, and lots of it before it becomes a normal part of you and it settles somewhere in your brain.

Goodness! I am finally here on your blog. I get you in my mailbox and it is early and I have not left one single comment in a long while and I miss that!
So here is my helloo 🙂 Sending love..
Sarah

Really beautiful, Nici.

I’m smiling Nicole. Thanks, xixi

A good one, Nici. Oh, how I wish you were closer. You and Jessie and Susan and Melissa would have a wonderful, buoyant moment together–along with all eight of the kiddos. If we throw Elise into the mix, that makes ten of them. Can you believe it? Love you lots!!

That last December is still so vivid, but Holy Buckets…look at her now! AND look wha’st happening in your little universe…I see happy “sailing” ahead for both of you. Especially with Margot Bea & her papa on board!

xoxo

Luckily, I’ve never had to experience my child being in ICU, but I nearly died in childbirth, and I’ve approached both my daughter’s birthdays feeling the same way you described. It sounds obvious, but her birthday is so tied to the experience of her birth. I wonder if I’ll approach all her birthdays reliving that fear and mishap, all the while celebrating the fact that I am here to celebrate her. Your description of your feelings was so similar to how I feel–thanks for taking the time to put it into words and out there.

Nici, you are all good and you have two little angels.

Kelly
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Beautiful. And I cried. I cannot imagine the terror of her illness when she was soooooo small. Connor got pertussis at 7 weeks, and spent 3 days in the peds unit on oxygen and IV antibiotics, but that was as nothing, having read Ruby’s odyssey more than twice. He was never critical, never at the edge.

It is completely understandable that the fear is hard to leave behind. The waiting for the other shoe to drop. The difficulty of knowing it will be okay if you’re out of each other’s sight, and farther than 5 minutes apart. I can hear the big ‘Oooomph’ it took to take yourself away, and do something so solid and rejuvenating for you. Yay!! You are a strong mama. You have a super-lucky collection of people there.

I am new to your blog and I’m hooked! I love following your Mama Digs too. You are an AMAZING writer and you take great pictures (your girls are beautiful). Your life in Montana sounds wonderful and I’m glad you’re sharing it with us.

Your piece on connection is amazing, inspiring and poetic. Love, love, love.

I so need a night away with great gal pals. How did Andy do with Rubes? I’m sure she was so much better than fine. Did you have milk in the freezer, & did she use a sippy or bottle? I need your words of advice on leaving a night-time breast-feeding obsessed babe for a fun women, wine and giggles evening.

Sounds like Ruby has showed you to live in the moment and be happy for all which surrounds you. You sure have a lot to be happy about.

Nici,

I am so happy that your sweet Ruby is doing so well. I am new to your blog, but have had the opportunity to read about your experience, and it was absolutley heart wrenching…I felt like an idiot, sobbing for a baby and mother that I don’t know, but man, it was a terribly frightful read…I can only imagine that you still have some of this with you…even now. Glad you had a nice time with your friends on first day sans Ruby.

~Julie

Wow. I am a lurking reader but this post hit me right in the heart. Beautiful words. Thank you.