Sometimes I look up and feel certain I’m seeing a cloud for the first time; a fragile quake in the atmosphere pressing my heart to its core.
The place where death and life intersect is brilliantly blurry.
Time, the most reliable, unbending measure.
I found myself tearing up when a friend asked me about Alice last week. She’s aging. She was really tired after our last run, we have to lift her into our car, she avoids stairs, she doesn’t hear very well.
I’ve been spending a lot of time just staring at her paws, studying her eyebrows, kissing her gray cheeks. And then I wonder why I’m engaging with her in this way. Do I subconsciously know something is wrong? So we made an appointment. And learned that we have one insanely healthy dog. She still runs six miles with you?! Off leash? our beloved doctor asked. Our vet told us to just pay attention, that Alice will let us know when she’s ready to stop running and when she needs help.
Pay attention. Trust that we will know when we need to know. Check.
The last week has been heavy with news of several deaths and several hardships involving people we know and love. The opportunity for connecting, listening, hugging and sharing meals is abundant and with extra enjoyment. I wrote more about all of this and my belief in kindness, always in this week’s mamalode column. Click to read mama digs: this is it.
My kids are awesomely awesome right now. Opinionated, smart, funny and full of love. Leaning into boundaries and so hungry to learn, experience and explore.
Me: I am feeling frustrated.
Margot, hand on my shoulder, with sympathy: Yeah, well. You are a mother.
Margot: I want the flower spoon!
Ruby: I WANT THE FLOWER SPOON!
Margot: I WANT THE FLOWER SPOON!
Ruby: I have a great idea. Eenie meenie miney moe. Catch a tiger, let her go. My dad says that I get the flower spoon. Perfect!
Margot, crying.
Me: What’s up sugar?
Margot: It’s just that people have birthdays all the time! And they have parties and invite me! And then I have to sing happy birthday songs! And I don’t always want to!
Ruby: Mama, can we please have a garden again this year?
Me: Yes.
Ruby: And, next Christmas can I make cookies with you and dada for Santa?
Me: Yes.
Margot: I never want you to stop kissing me. I want you to kiss me until you die. And I never want you to die.
Ruby, urgently ran as fast as she could off gymnastics floor during class: Mama? I like you.
Margot: I am like so ready for summer.
Me: Let’s take turns saying what we are excited for.
Margot: No socks and no shoes.
Ruby: Sleeping in the forest with mama and dada and Margot and me!
Me: Tomatoes.
Margot: Swimming in the river.
Ruby: Sleeping in the forest with mama and dada and Margot and me!
Me: Open windows.
Margot: Playing in the field with my friends.
Ruby: Sleeping in the forest with mama and dada and Margot and me!
And now your turn. What are you excited for?
64 Comments
You had me tearing up, too, just thinking about Alice. Sometimes I have super damning dog-mama guilt. Our Raleigh dog came first, but with te busyness of life, seems to always take the backseat when it comes to attention. He is getting older, and my heart splinters when I think of days without him. ::sigh::
I just so love the way you capture the girls’ dialogue. They make my heart grow a little with each post.
Oh, and I’m looking forward to hikes on soil and not ice!
xo
Excited for: No Coats! No Boots! No Hats!
I’ve been doing the same with our oldest dog, Lazlo – seeing his face whitening, watching him struggle to get up off the floor – just makes you all that more aware their time here is fleeting…
Read this post with this song in the background. Perfect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DQ7huThNuk&list=AL94UKMTqg-9Bx6YWuzHCdP_SKeU3coLXC
Excited for camping.
Taking our new baby for walks in the stroller. Sun and its warmth on my face. Bare feet. Farmers markets. Camping.
Great post, as always. Sorry to hear of the loss of your friends.
Flip Flops!!! Also being able to run anytime I want (hate running in the cold).
Sun on bare skin. Campfires, late night giggling in the tent. Saturday morning farmers’ market.
Your girls continue to delight and dazzle me! So sweet and so wise.
I am looking forward to finally being together as a family again. My husband took a job in Atlanta last August, and I stayed behind with the kids in Tennessee until the house sold, so I could keep working to help pay for two households. It has finally sold (we close in two weeks), and after several weeks of staying with my in-laws so our son can finish out 3rd grade (he’ll only have 9 weeks to go), we will be a full-time family of five again. I’m so excited to explore our new digs.
Weekends at our camp on the river and remembering my dad there.
My dog-loving friend helped us when we had to let go of a beloved pet. She reminded us that we gave our pooch a wonderful life by loving her and taking her places and making her a part of our family. Not all pets get to live a life like that and when it was hard to think of days without her, we tried to focus on all the wonderful days with her.
Beautiful post! I’m excited for…… driving with the windows down, starting seeds for the first time ever, summertime trips, skirts and flip-flops, hiking in the State Park! 🙂
man your kids rock socks!….we are just coming out of a scorching summer so im yearning for the weight of a winter jacket and closed in shoes!!…to feel a chill in the air…bliss!
A x
I’m excited for all things warm! Bonfires, late nights, open windows, watching my son play baseball and my daughter cartwheel everywhere!
I too got a little teary reading about Alice. Our pooch Mulligan is 10.5 and although still acting like a puppy, I worry about how we will all handle it when she’s no longer with us. But, I’m trying to focus instead on her here, now and enjoy her!
Meeting new neighbors. We moved into a new town hours away from friends and family right as the world moved indoors for fall/winter. We had spectacular weather this weekend and already met two neighbors. Wondering what friendships will develop – along with what flowers will appear on our new land!
Oh, Alice is so awesome. Love her.
We are ready for all of it. The garden, flowers, bees, lake, being hot and sweaty and funky to catch a good breeze that cools you off and gives a chill through a wet-from-sweat-shirt. Man, I’m excited to live all of it.
I hate death. I don’t deal with it very well. I do believe in something great, but I still don’t deal very well.
I saw something that I did find very cool about death, though. If there is such a thing, I thought this was it. You can be cremated, put into a bio-degradable urn, with a tree seed of your choice, and planted into a tree. I told my kids about it. Jolie said, with a very serious, No., at first because of the whole death thing, but then I told them I could be a huge Oak and house lots of animals and things. She laughed and liked the idea. Then I said, Or, I could be an apple tree and you guys can eat me! 🙂 They laughed and Tyler said that that would be some fruit he would not be eating. I can’t blame him on that one.
But I thought it was cool.
-Angie
So sorry to hear about your friends. Good news is, you have each other.
We lost our dog almost two years ago. I rarely go back to read my blog posts, but when I do, that is the one that soaks my cheeks in salty tears. Every. Single. Time. And it’s true, Alice will totally let you know.
Summer!? Oh, my. Number one: going straight outside without layers (although there is the sunscreen bit…). Number two: playing in the dirt; gardening, hiking, fishing, camping………….
Oh Nici im sorry to hear about losses and hardships for friends *hugs*
Your description about facing unforeseen weather was poetry to my soul. Sometimes it feels like there is much to fear, that to love deeply means to potentially to loose so much . But we should march boldly anyway because the riches of our intentions are so worth it. And you are so right, the more I grow the more I suspect that love and kindness are the only things that matter. That they are the only things that lead to a full contented life with meaningful lasting impact for those around us. Did all that even make sense? lol
Well anyway your article spoke volumes to me so thank you for that. xxx
I’m excited for really learning how to swim and pushing myself to compete in a beginners triathlon! And lounging in the sun porch of my maybe new home
,,,im thrilled (excited) that alice is okay, just getting older but okay. and i’m eff-ing excited that somehow the “post comment” button appreared on my computer so that i can resume comments on my favorite blog DTC! it’s the little shit that excites me. (smile),,,
You are so good at celebrating beauty and life, and helping me do the same! Thank you! Your girls are beautiful and inspiring.
So excited for the farmer’s market and growing tomatoes and herbs!
That cardinal mug is lovely!!
It’s wonderful how much you love Alice. She is one lucky dog!
I am excited for fresh veggies from the garden…fire pit s’mores…half naked babies jumping in the pool 🙂
She’s so easy to love.
This was a lovely post. Simple heartfelt words. Glad to hear your dog is hanging in there. We put ours down a year and a half ago. It still hurts. When the time comes, I recommend having someone come to the house to do it instead of taking her to a vet. That’s what we did and it was one of the most peaceful moments. Truly beautiful even though sad.
Beautiful post, Nici. I hear you about Alice. My four kitties are aging. My oldest, my beautiful Gregory, passed away shortly after we moved, at age 16. The ones left are 14, 10 & 9 now. I cherish every second with them.
I just attended the wake of a 50 year old father of 4 this past week. The threat of cancer looms over the head of my closest friend (still awaiting 2nd opinions, test results etc.). Sometimes it all seems too much.
What am I excited for? Summer, for sure. Heat, blazing sunshine, dips in cool pools, iced lattes, frozen grapes, open windows…so much to look forward to, be excited about. Wishing you all the best.
Sorry for your hardships. It can totally feel like too much sometimes. Deep breaths, slow walks, hugs.
My favorite is certainly sleeping in the forest with papa and baby Lillie.
This post is just perfect. Those photos are divine, and the conversations are priceless. I mean, melt my heart!
And what am I excited for? Green grass!
Ellen: I can’t wait for all the wonderful sunlight into the wee parts of the evening and early parts of the morning.
I have love getting to know you and your family. You have an amazing ability to express yourself so eloquently. Anyhow the reason I am writing, is that I’m a hairdresser and several years ago I had a guest bring in her two adorable daughters. The way she battled who gets what, goes first, sits up front in the car(back when that was ok) was by odds and evens. One daughter was born on an odd day the other even, so if the day was the 19th Megon got to pick if she got her hair cut first or second. If on the 20th, Sarah got to choose. That rule pretty much applied for everything from what book mom read the girls, who got the final pick on movie rental, etc. while I know that there is no perfect parenting plan, the girls loved it and it eliminated almost every fight. It definitely seemed like a win / win. Might be something that work with your parenting plan?
Warm air! That’s it. Missing warm breezes badly.
Loved all the quotes. Makes me kick myself for not writing down more of my girls’. I always think I’ll remember to and I don’t. Yesterday in the car my 3 year old said, “Mommy let’s go to the Bieber fever (pronounced Beebo feevo) concert and dance that would be really fun!”.
We don’t listen to Bieber. It was funny on so many levels.
I am with you, excited about tomatoes. And slower routines, book-reading under the tree, swimming in “our” river, cookouts with friends, s’mores by the fire, baseball, fireworks, bathing suits, and freshly squeezed lemonade with mint. And I love that you record your girls’ awesome quotes. I do the same and cherish them all now, so I know I will even more later on when they are older. Loved this post!
We’re heading the other way, out of a blistering summer into winter. I’m excited for warm fuzzy socks, 12-hour crock-pot stews, snuggling under blankets, glorious sunrises & sunsets that I actually get to see because they happen late/early enough. Fingerless gloves knitted by my husband’s Gran, especially for me. Double thick duvets and fleece pyjamas. Oh yes, I’m looking forward to winter for the first time ever this year.
I am excited for the opposite, cool crisp air, beautiful vibrant blue skies. We don’t get snow or below freezing temperatures here, autumn in Queensland is a sight to behold!
You just gave me such a pang of nostalgia. There is nothing…NOTHING like having a sister. Ours was a Snoopy spoon:
https://www.google.com/search?q=snoopy+spoon&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=xSl&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=ry8_Ud6DMMuq0AHcr4AQ&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1024&bih=629
Looking forward to adventures with my boys. Climbing mountains, wandering trails, being outside without layers and layers of clothing!
Ethan, this morning: Look Gocky! A rocky mountain, a mountain with rocks!
Me: Cool! Would you like to climb mountains?
Ethan: Yes. I want to climb mountains with NO rocks. Can we jump in the river? Are there sharks in there, and turtles?
The snow had melted and today it has returned. It is amazing that the thought of summer is what keeps us going through the transition.
I am so excited to garden, to take my baby (4.5 months) to the beach for the first time, to build sandcastles with my 3 year old, to eat only garden grown produce all summer, for canning, dehydrating, tea brewed by the sunshine, picnics under the big willow tree, discovering new places with the dogs.
*hugs* for Alice. It’s always so hard when the ones we love get older. We have one older dog, we don’t even know how old he is, but you can tell age has begun to set in him. Somehow it was our younger dog we almost lost this past week, if it wasn’t for modern medicine he wouldn’t of made it. We are journeying homesteaders and it makes me wonder what would of happened if we lived in a time period where there was no vet care.
I’m with Margot… no socks and no shoes!! And dresses with bare legs. And watermelon.
I am excited about the boys that my boys are, and the men they will become. I am excited for the same with regards to all of the young people in my life. I am excited to ride bikes and sleep in the forest with you and Andy and the girls. I am excited about the wisdom and self-development the years will bring. And I am especially excited for this moment and point in time, and for the privilege that is life.
My condolences on the loss of your friends’ loved ones. They do have an amazing friend–you–to lean on.
I love reading what everyone’s looking forward to!
Me: Sea Salt, a seafood restaurant open only during warm weather–first day this year is April 5th! I’m an intern with our Master Gardener program, and I’m looking forward to all the volunteering I’ll be doing. If all goes well, same-sex marriage will be legalized here in Minnesota, and I can marry my beloved partner of 14 years. (How did all those years fly by?!) In my own garden, I can’t wait to see all my flowers: snowdrops, poppies, peonies, bloodwort, columbine, lilies, flowering tobacco, heliotrope. And about 100 more….
Are you loving the Master Gardening program? I’ve been wanting to take the class again. I learned SO much. And, YAY, here’s to hoping for the same-sex marriage legalization!
Oh Alice. <3 She's a well loved girl. So glad to hear about her clean bill of health. You are not alone in your feelings. Our Westie is 10 and although she still acts like a pup….her playtime is shorter and we also have to lift her up at times because of her sore hips. ( have you tried food with Glucosamine? it has made a huge difference for us)
I love reading all the exchanges between you and your girls. Kids are just so funny.
I'm excited for long summer walks, gardening, watching our chickens peck at fresh green grass…. Grass….we haven't seen it forever! So much to look forward to.
I’m excited for all the summer smells! Chlorine, suntan lotion, fresh cut grass, campfires (hopefully this year in CO), BBQ…etc.
Sweet Alice. Such a loyal friend. She tugs at my heart strings. Love her.
Nici,
I so enjoyed reading this post. Your words string together like a favourite song. I started with teary eyes over your precious Alice as I am too a dog lover and have been at that stage of picking them up to get into the car, avoiding stairs and watching them walk in circles trying to figure out who is calling them and from where. They so unconditionally love us and their loyalty so strong. Enjoy your many more six mile runs with her. Trust. Check. You will know. (great words)
Teary eyes turned to smiles when you shared the conversations you have with your oh so spunky full of life and down to life spirited skirt wearing girly girls. Such amazing memories you are creating for such beautiful souls. And, Your photography is exceptional. Each photo telling its own story. Thank you for sharing.
I’m excited for Green and other summer colours. Daily wearing of my flip-flops. Coffee on the front steps in PJs and the morning sunrise as my guest. And I’m with Ruby…sleeping in the forest with the family…camping and all the dirt and stickiness that comes with it (s’mores of course).
Cheers!
Monique
What a lovely, thoughtful and kind comment. Thanks so much.
And, oh YES, flip flops. I already busted mine out, if only for a few minutes.
Nici,
You are welcome. 🙂 I came back to read this one again. Was wondering how Alice was doing and thought I’d find it in the comments and noticed you left me a reply. Then I remembered how this post made me cry & smile…love your writing…like a favourite book I can read it over and over again. PS Still waiting to bust out my flip flops :)…soon
I so wish I could tilt this planet and slide one of us over to the other if only for the reason that we would be able to sit at gymnastics together.
I like that visual very much! We’ll meet some day, right?? Yep.
This post reminded me a little bit of Mary Olivers poem, When Death Comes. (these are the last 3 stanzas)
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
Oh I do love Mary Oliver so. I never tire of her words, every single choice perfection. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
” I never want you to stop kissing me. I want you to kiss me until you die. And I never want you to die”….possibly the sweetest statement ever made.
Enjoying beautiful evenings outside, anticipating my first garlic to sprout, our annual trip to Montana to spend with you, a spring wedding…..xoxo
Alice THE Wonder Dog, I love you so!
Oh how I love kid quotes.
“ya, well. You are a mother.”
I laugh and laugh and nod my head!
Nici,
That picture of Ruby airplaining is so beautiful!
I love all the kid quotes & it makes me very excited for the day my little one can start slaying me or making me laugh in turn with his words.
I am excited for early mornings working in my gardens, getting soaked with sweat in the sun, tomatoes, sitting outside after the sun goes down enjoying a beer, canoeing, camping, being outside.
What I am excited for is already here – LONGER days. It beacons warmth, spring, and the budding of trees and bulbs. It’s the start of the annual rebirth. I feel alive coming back out to greet the sun.
Alice always reminds me of my former Buckley. Reading about her tugs at my heart and fills my eyes. What a good girl. I’ll admit that I always loved smelling the pads of Buck’s feet and feeling the rough texture of each toe. Something earthy that’s forever captured within the fur and toes. They encompassed adventure.
Peace.
Oh amen! Longer days! Such an awesome surprise every year.
I love your wp template, wherever would you download it through?
I love love love the things your girls say!! Looking forward to walks after dinner, trips to the beach, and chubby baby toes touching the grass.
” I never want you to stop kissing me. I want you to kiss me until you die. And I never want you to die.”
yeah….I’ve been that way lately…. 😉
I’m insanely excited for little flowery dresses, climbing trips, late sunsets, that peaceful easy feeling, fireflies and iced lates.
And Missoula visits? I’m sure Ruby would love to sleep in the forest with you too!
gorgeous. these conversation snippets are the best. oh, okay, maybe the photos. okay, all of it. gorgeous.
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