I keep coming here trying to decide what to publish. I’ve been writing. About the confusion and truth of life and death — the dance of a life ending the day before a fifth birthday. About grieving with my husband and kids and without our dog. A friend pointed this out to me: the most unfair and painful part is that I want my dog’s love, cuddles and walks to get over her own death.
I will share more here about Alice’s passing. Today I share seasonal bits that make me happy. It’s complicated because the joy of cutting a tree is sad without our girl running up the hillside and the fun in the advent scavenger hunt is unbelievably quieter without our girl wagging and hopping beside the kids as they hunt. I’ve noticed that with every painful moment there is something beautiful to witness, that even the pain can be beautiful in its authenticity. And I’ve noticed laughter. Man I love to laugh.
It snowed a few days ago. The big, meandering quiet kind. Margot said:
Wow. I like, FEEL Alice. It’s like she is in the snow or something. Is that what you mean by her spirit? I really think her spirit is in that falling snow.
Yes, that.
:: I do so enjoy decorating and arranging our home this time of year. It’s a solid shot of brightness and levity. Plus we will have a huge houseful this year, making the jolliness extra amplified.
:: My favorite new addition is the tiny, sparkly peacock that I attached to our bird feeder. I wondered if it would detract the droves of finches, nuthatches et al that feed here but on the contrary, they are unaffected. I like to think they enjoy their new always-gazing-over-shoulder pal.
:: We always cut our tree on our friend’s property the weekend after Ruby’s birthday. This year we went on Thanksgiving day because we had our big feast with friends on Wednesday. Honestly, it was a hard day: the big exhale after birthday party, company, Thanksgiving. We settled into the distraction-free realization that Alice wasn’t there. We all kept seeing her, looking for her, hearing her. On the drive home the strap that held the tree to the car whipped in the wind against the window. Margot pointed out that it sounded exactly like Alice’s wagging tail against the inside of the car when she heard us approaching. It did. We drove under a giant full rainbow set against graphite sky. We saw mountain lion tracks and bushes that looked like dogs.
:: Remember the advent calendar I made and posted about and then one reader gently pointed out that 6 rows x 3 pockets = 18, not 24? Ahem. It was a challenge to keep the goodies hidden anyway so we switched to notes with clues that lead the kids to a treasure (special bonus: I can squeeze two notes into the middle pocket because 6×4=24 you know). A daily scavenger hunt! I like to make it an activity: carousel tokens and then we go; a game (that we already own) that we immediately play; our sled and we layer up and head out. This Friday they will open Nutcracker tickets, a particularly special treat this year as our dear friend and neighbor is Clara! Do you have advent activity ideas for me? I’ll take them. I am usually figuring it out about five minutes before the kids pull the clue, nonchalantly fast-walking ahead of them to hide the {mugs of hot cocoa on their desks}.
:: And the holiday stick! It’s a legitimate pain in the ass to hang this thing but totally worth it.
:: The stick’s BFF: the cocksucker. Who has earned year round placement by the front door.
:: Ruby again plans to ask Santa for a glittery watermelon with the addition of a pot of gold. Margot plans to ask for a stuffed kitten the size of her palm. I sincerely adore our Santa photos:
:: Margot jumps rope. Before breakfast, after dinner. She is on a jump roping team and has her first performance this week. Homegirls has been PRACTICING and it’s always awesome except when one of us takes a rope to the face. Before bed:
:: The first advent gift of the season is always a new holiday book. The books are out for the month of December only and are my kids favorite thing to unpack every year. This year I bought The Tomtes’ Christmas Porridge. And a second that I couldn’t resist will be a Christmas gift: Peter and Lotta’s Christmas: A Story.
Other books in our collection:
The Tomten
The Little Christmas Tree
Little Fairy’s Christmas
The Story of the Snow Children
The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas
:: Haaaaaaang a shining star atop the highest booooooooow…
Ruby: Mama? Why does that man saw moooooooooow instead of just saying ‘the highest mountain’? It’s frustrating.
:: Sledding hill bling.
:: Two gifts already under the tree. And Alice, where she liked to lay.
:: Our ski hill opened. It was raining at the base but once we got past the miserable lower lift ride, the top was a wintery wonder. Like so many things in life: there is great reward if you push through shitty weather.
Also: we are lucky to almost always receive handed-down gear for our kids. And we happen to have several skis and ski boots that are now too little for Margot and Ruby. Are you interested? If you pay for shipping, you can have it. Email me at hello @ digthischick . net <– everything has been claimed! xoxo
:: Wrapping paper making.
:: My kids play the HOW BOUT game every day. This is one example:
How bout I’m a mom and you my kid but you’re a teenager and you have red hair like Ariel.
OK and how bout I’m like really cranky because I want to eat cottage cheese.
Yeah and how bout I don’t like cottage cheese and I want noodles instead.
And how bout we both love to read books.
And so how bout we read books while eating noodles.
Awesome.
This photo’s real life caption: Hey Ruby. How bout we have a dance contest and I’m the judge and I decide who wins are I always pick you.
A few details:
* Holiday stick: ponderosa pinecones, pom poms attached with glue gun. Strung to a found stick with fishing line. Attached to ceiling with fishing line and thumbtacks (this stick is super light, like dry driftwood; a heavier stick would require hooks)
* Tree bling: colored popsicle sticks glued together with regular ol’ white glue. Drilled tiny holes in each and attached to tree branches with embroidery thread.
39 Comments
You are breaking my heart. I’m sorry for your huge loss. I totally get how you are feeling. I remember when my nan died how despite the sadness there was still beauty all around. It surprised me. And I comforted myself every time I felt that pain of loss so intensely that that was evidence of how much I loved her. And that is a good thing.
We hurt because we love.
And that is a good thing.
Hugs to you lovely lady xxxxx
I am sorry about Alice. I love the way you put her picture under the tree.
First time to comment, new reader here. I’m so sorry about Alice. Birthdays, holidays, life, loss….just wanted to tell you that my heart with you. My husband and I lost our first dog as a married couple last year, Christmas morning. The kids opening gifts and messy bed hair and pajamas. We had to take her to the emergency vet. The four of us were devastated. We had our family around us, we cried and we laughed and hugged all day. Reading your posts about Alice is really pulling at my heart strings and I just wanted to send you all a hug. Big hugs, Alice stories, rejoicing and remembering. Peace be with you.
Beautiful tribute you Alice right under the tree. I also sorry for your loss, and I know how easily the joy and sorrow intermingle this time of year.
As far as Adent goes, I think you are actually on to something with your five minute lead time. I used to have a pre-planned advent calendar when the kids were really young and I was always peeking at the next day’s activity and quickly rearranging them because apparently I’m not great at planning. Here’s a few ideas though: drive through your neighborhood or town at night with printed awards for holiday lights and leave them in mailboxes, make squirt bottles with food coloring for snow painting, hide a bag with all the supplies to make ornaments, leave a Lego or puzzle piece at each part of scavenger hunt to put together at end, sparkly nail polish for pedicures… That’s all I’ve got for now!
Your house is beautiful, your girls are beautiful, your life is beautiful, and your heart is beautiful.
So…
I have thought a lot about you guys since you posted on Instagram that Alice had passed. Very seriously – I would be doing work at work, or scratching one of my dogs ears, or playing hide and seek with my kids, and BOOM! There you guys would be in my thoughts and there would be Alice’s soulful face in my brain.
I can’t speak for the entire blogosphere but I can say that I will certainly miss Alice as well. Hell, I *DO* miss her. I miss her on your behalf and I miss knowing that her soul is somewhere in this Earthly realm. But I know that she is out frolicking with the others who have to leave us all too soon, including some of my own. I sent a special request up to Tammy, Trolli, Duchess, Brittanie, Sophie, Charlie, Apples, Tanner, Giselle, Jack and Tyson to give Alice a big rainbow bridge welcome. They never let me down when they were here – I’m sure they got your girl covered. <3
That is so kind. And your lists of pets and words about them never having let you down brought immediate tears.
Beautiful, just beautiful Burb….
How bout I love you to the moon and back?
xoxo, Mom
I recently ran across this article. It’s so sweet and so true.
They teach us how to love – and also how to grieve. Such important life skills. <3
I’m so sorry for the passing of Alice. I remembered what a cutie he was at your wedding. May you all have wonderful memories . You have a beautiful family . Merry Christmas !
Xo, Patti Joyce Trombly
I’m sorry , I meant she …
I’m so sorry to hear about Alice. Sending hugs to all of you. Love you!l
Reading this post= Crying, crying. For Alice, for loss, for my Frannie dog I lost last summer, for longing and missing, for goodbyes.
Reflecting on this post= Smiling, smiling. For Alice, for my Frannie dog, for memories, for traditions, for family, for never really having to say goodbye.
Oh that’s beautiful, the way you said that! So true that a thing can feel so shitty and painful and then, upon remembering, so beautiful and loving. I am already having thoughts of deep gratitude for the way she died. It was sad…and exactly how I wish my loved ones to die.
Sometimes I think grief reveals to us the starkest and most beautiful truths about life. That may be the only truly good thing about it. Thinking of you and your family, Nici. <3
I have followed your blog for some time. I appreciate your perspective, your tone, your approach to life. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss of Alice,that is such a hard time,losing a loved one. I work in hospice so I feel for you in this hard and sacred time. There is a poem by Henry Van Dyke that helps me a bit.
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love,
Time is eternity.
I am interested in your hand me down skis. I have a 3 year old in need of a pair. I live in Kalispell
I adore the pictures of your home. I too have our Santa pictures displayed in red frames..17 years worth! 🙂 I cried when I saw the picture of your sweet Alice under the tree. Margot’s wrapping paper for her Dada is awesome and I just loved “there is a great reward if you push through the shitty weather”…true story. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your life.
Advent ideas: felt elf shoes and/or hats to be sewn; knitting spools & yarn or thread for coiled coasters (gifts too); woven Moravian star or similar heart ornaments /parts to make; pre-stapled booklets with blank pages for them to write their own Christmas or other story; design a calendar for themselves (draw or pick out photos of favorite things/places/people/pets); listen to new music (holiday or otherwise) – check out from the library; make some felt food or craft dough food (or ornaments — stars are one of my favorites); simple origami with Christmas or other fun paper; recycle broken jewelry into new necklaces & bracelets or earrings into pins with a glue gun (one of my favorite holiday pins used to be earrings); make your own paper with flowers added into the pulp; make gingerbread houses or gingerbread men/women, etc; slips with quotes from movies & if they recognize which movie you watch it together – hints allowed (we kept the Holiday movies & books packed up until after Thanksgiving — they made the count-down easier); and even though you have a bird feeder, perhaps some pine cone, peanut butter & bird seed trees; volunteer (somewhere to benefit others who are less fortunate); make dog cookies for the shelter you got Alice from; surprise someone with a plate of cookies or sourdough muffins & freezer jam or chocolate decorated pretzel sticks or hot cocoa in a ziplock in a goodwill mug with a bow; glitter & glue collages using dark paper; do good elf deeds for others — the # to do matching the date’s number (they should have fun thinking of ideas… like shoveling the neighbors walk, dropping a card in a mailbox, tying a bow on a car antenna); and our favorite when in Alaska… make Calvin & Hobbes snowmen, which meant you had to read the comic books first for inspiration. Some of these can be anonymous. It was always fun to give our girl something she could spend time doing during the holiday break from school, one December, she & her godfather spent time painting, gluing & putting together “the invisible woman”. (He has the patience of a saint…) We also used to trim the evergreens in our yard and put together a pie plate candle centerpiece with the greenery, some holiday bows & whatever else we wanted… small ornaments, etc.
After we had two dogs die this summer, a friend showed me this saying:
“Every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.” –Unknown I hope your happy memories of Alice to help you through this time and I love the way your girls find her in the wind/woods and remember her happy tail noises. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh your ideas are marvelous! Thank you. Between you and the texts from my mom I am set for years! 🙂
I am so sorry for your loss of Alice, may time help soothe the pain for you and your family.
I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing your beautiful pictures, thank you for sharing!
Usually I read here and think things like, “She is my internet, never-met, BFF.” This is one of those days.
Love the way you honor Alice and those big girls.
Your writing is always so authentic. I can feel you in your words. It’s been 8 years since my family’s dog died, and there are still times when the loss feels so immediate, so recent and raw. Like now, reading about missing Alice. Thank you for creating the space to feel the pain and to remember the love. Namaste.
Those times when it feels immediate and raw, THAT. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I have moments when I feel just fine. And then something hits me and knocks the wind out of me, that sharp stab in my chest returns. I appreciate that you end with Namaste. I took my first yoga class in years yesterday. I took a hatha class that was slow and full of attention to breath. It was *exactly* what I needed. When we closed with Namaste I felt a well of emotion expand inside.
The picture of Alice under the tree – so sweet. Tears over here for you. So sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. Christmas can be so heavy when we lose loved ones this time of year.
Lovely post (so so sorry about Alice). Love your pom-pom pine cones!
I am so sorry for the loss of your family member, Alice. She was a beautiful soul.
Your home looks so welcoming. I also love how even when the weather gets extreme, you just get on it with it and get out there. We could learn a lot from you here in the UK – here, if there is even a hint of snow, the country seems to come to a standstill!
Keep on keeping on, Nici.
Wonderful post .
I miss your Alice too . The picture under the tree is perfect.
It’s been nine months since I lost my dog — my boy. I always thought that I craved solitude, but I realized after Jake died that I was never actually alone. We were a package deal, that dog and me. I miss the one who was constantly underfoot in the kitchen, literally on my feet while I worked at my desk, the one who bounded ahead of me through the fields and trails and brought indescribable joy. I am so sorry for your grief. How I love that your girls feel Alice in the snow. Oh, our dogs. We are better humans for having loved them.
One of the many things I love about you is how FESTIVE you are. You take everything in life and make something of it. Your Holiday traditions are beautiful as are your tributes to sweet Alice. The advent calendar, that’s a real gem. Lots of love to you this Holiday season!
I love your scavenger hunt advent idea! I think I’m going to have to see if I can squeeze a “12 days of Christmas” countdown version into our days – so fun! Maybe a fun idea would be ice cream after school at Sweet Peaks…I noticed they have some yummy-sounding festive flavors right now! Lovely photos and stories…hope you guys are doing well – we miss you!!
So sorry to hear about Alice. I think I’m going to try and make my very own cocksucker this year. Love that “wreath”!
I’m not sure how I ended up on this blog. Pinterest, I think. Felted ball ornament? The cocksucker? Anyway, I’ve been reading for like 2 hours. Lovely writing. I identify so closely with everything because I also live on the woods and I also have two daughters who are two years apart. This blog…your words…it’s all so damn lovely. Sorry about your Alice. Losing a pet is so terrible. I lost my own beloved dog years ago, as my relationship broke apart. Under somewhat suspicious circumstances. And I was in Oman and couldn’t be there to see him. I cried and cried and ached and ached. The worst.
Now I have the right love and a new life. A happier one. With a new dog. A smaller one. And our girls. My oldest (6) will be devastated when time takes Tobi. My heart breaks at the thought of it all.
Good stuff here. Simple, good life. Take greatest care.
M
It is an ache isn’t it?
Thanks for coming and staying for so long! And happy to hear of your turnaround. Life always offers turnarounds which is such a great fact to be able to count on.
Loosing the presence of someone you love is hard. Sorry for your family’s loss. I still miss our dog terribly after 7 years. She was my girl, my sidekick!
There is no unfairness in any of this, it’s all the part of the healthy cycle. Grief can borderline selfishness if one is not careful. Keep the strength and remember, though sad, it’s all good and regular too. Keep it in perspective 🙂 . Thoughts with you all especially as your girls learn to grow through this. Be peace.
Shelby
Hi Shelby,
Your condescending tone is a bummer and I am inspired to have this conversation. I don’t want to be careful with my feelings. I want to feel them. I don’t believe that is selfish. Healthy cycles are real and they can suck. A real question: Do we all need “perspective” when we are sad? I learn from my kids here. They FEEL IT and move on – legitimately, happily. Adults act appropriately, not wanting others to think they are weird/insecure/sad/selfish and then deal with it again and again. I can consider that might work for some people. It does not work for me.
It sounds like your thoughts and grieving process were different than mine. I trust you honored your process. Thanks for rolling with me as I honor mine.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
With love,
Nici
Not meaning to sound the way I must have come off:)
I think I was sparked by you saying that your dog’s death is “unfair”.
That would imply that there is some kind of rhyme or reason or rules about death and you were wronged in a way and that is not how it is. Death is neither fair or unfair, it just is what it is. On a basic level it has nothing to do with any of us. It wasn’t done to you. Or anyone. It is just the next part of a life. Grief can still be raw and you can still grieve heave real and strong without having the attitude you’ve somehow been wronged. It’s your sadness and missing ness , and it’s not personal. I for one prefer not to be delusions about our place in all this. It seems a trend that the longer bloggers blog the more they seem self important and learn to walk that line with trying to keep things real and it’s never claimed about a big head but alwYs claimed to be about life choices. Hmm.With respect
Thank you for sharing your story. Our family’s dog is now showing signs of old age. It’s my first dog ever, so I think he’s just being a senior dog, but my husband (who has had dogs before) thinks that this may be our pug’s last Christmas. I tear up thinking about it, and wondering how my 6 year old will feel….
The stories of your family sensing Alice around you warm my heart.
I came back remembering a rather unkind, snarky comment I’d seen the other day. I was curious how you responded. I’m glad you deleted it. It was a super lame thing for someone to write. What gets in to people sometimes??
THIS. I came back to see the same thing:) You are so awesome and classy Nici. So infinitely inspired by your cool.