Two years ago my daughters wrote a letter to a potential fairy and left it out on the deck. She wrote back. Her name is Lavender Fawn. The girls stitched up beds from fabric scraps and fashioned sofas from soft leaves, they set out itty portions of banana and pea sized bowls of jewels.
Those who’ve been reading here a while might remember my discomfort with Santa etc because I couldn’t shake lying to my kids. So how did we get here? Where I wake at 6am to craft tiny notes from a tiny fairy who cares for fawns in western Montana in the spring and lives in Nicaragua during our winter and took a sabbatical to help the moon fairy with the tides last summer?
Because I can play make believe too. I learned from the best make believers of all time. And I can tell the truth in my make believing.
This year, at 8 1/2, Margot wrote a letter to Lavender. Lavender wrote back in her best fairy script. The following morning Margot raced to the deck, eagerly read the letter and then looked to me.
“Mama, this looks like your handwriting.”
“It does.”
“Is it your handwriting?”
“Hmm.”
She shrugged and smiled. She sat down to write Lavender back. Drew her a heart on a little fairy-sized rock. Arranged it all beautifully with tiny fairy writing utensils, gave me a hug and said she could’t wait to see what the letter said tomorrow.
Ruby is naturally curious about the things her big sister takes interest in. Sometimes it sticks, like obsession with blank books. Sometimes it doesn’t stick, like tight pants. But this interest in the realness of fairies? That stuck.
She came to me two nights later, tearful because she knows not to look up things online without a parent but she did and saw something scary. Honestly, my first thoughts were dark. I imagined she saw…I don’t even want to type it. I followed her to the ipad and this is what she found while searching for “pichers of real tooth fairies.”
Now, that is a mildly scary thing. And really funny all around. But it did freak her out. The tooth fairy situation is already a little dicey but who wants a groggy, green-faced Bruce Willis in a bad Pollyanna wig visiting toothless, doe-eyed children in the dark of night? I’ll take Tink.
We had a good chat about it all — the crumminess of feeling afraid, the inability to unsee things you see, the weirdness of the internet and reasons we have rules for its use. Also, about pretend images and fake ideas. What to believe.
That night she left her tooth under her pillow. When the tooth fairy came in to take the tooth and give the loot, she found a note in the most careful, endearing kindergarten spelling. “Dear Tooth Fairy, I am not sure I want you to take my tooth. I like my tooth. But I do want money.” Love, Ruby
The good fairy left the tooth and the money. The following morning, Ruby grabbed a stool and climbed up to the little ceramic jar where I keep my girls’ teeth. I didn’t know she knew that jar. She put her tooth in there without asking a question.
I remain careful about how I talk about the fantastical ideas that leave quarters under pillows and fill stockings with bubblegum. My decidedly frank yet encouraging approach might confuse things. But I do think it clarifies. As with all parenting everything, time and therapy will tell.
“Mama do you like know the Easter Bunny? How did you get the aprons you made in with the other things? Or, wait, is it all you?”
“Huh.”
“Anyway, it’s fun.”
“Yes.”
Margot and Ruby know. They trust and tell the whole truth with their whole hearts. They know about the endurance of beauty and magic. They know about joy and faith, about the immortality of make believe. And I’m remembering, learning from them.
9 Comments
This is something I often think about and wonder how I would approach when I do have children. I’m not a big Santa or Easter Bunny person but I love the simplicity and beauty of make believe. I appreciate how you’re finding your way with the girls leading the way, and how you allow them to experience the magic of make believe while they know that you are their truth keeper. Definitely adds more thoughts to mine regarding this topic, thanks for sharing.
Our rule is this: if you believe in it, then it’s real for you.
Apply to: Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas, God, the Bogeyman, Allah, Loch Ness monster.
This is so dear. Important lessons for us all. I respect so much your thoughts on both telling the truth and nurturing magic. I have to admit. . . .I can’t stop giggling over that picture.
I’ve had discussions about make believe with my 2 year old grandson. I think he “gets it”, but we have some great make believe meals that he cooks on his play kitchen set and drink some great make believe tea (once we cool it down by blowing on it). Even at his age, I think he is skeptical of Santa and the Easter Bunny, but understands that the whole make believe world is a fun part of life.
Another wonderful, thoughtful post with great writing and photos!
Thanks for always brightening my day Niki!
I had a friend post this letter she read to her son when these questions arose; I thought you’d like it (I think it’s a great response)…You asked a very good question: “are you Santa?” and “is Santa real?” I know you’ve wanted the answer to these questions for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say. The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa. I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.) I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs or emerging from their rooms on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights. This won’t make you Santa, though. Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch. It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments. Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve; he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy. With full hearts, people like Daddy and I take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible. So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. Santa is real. I’m on his team, and now you are, too. I love you, and I always will. Mom
I’m saving this post and it’s the one I’m going to come back to when we start this chapter of life with our some-day kids. <3 I love your "Hmm." and "Huh." responses. Perfect.
xoxoxoxo
Even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle believed in fairies! They were called the Cottingley Fairies and they made a movie about it (FairyTale: A True Story). I think it’s awesome that they “know” but they continue with the game.
I am a firm believer in childhood dreams and excitement…sometime it involves “magic”, you area wonderful mother and daughter!
xoxo!
I cried, I laughed. Thank you for this.